The Barry Bonds Solution

Countless articles, numerous books, syringes thrown onto the field, banners that stretch halfway around the ballpark.

 

In the immortal words of Susan Powter: "Stop the insanity!"

 

Let's face it—come midseason, Barry Bonds will have more home runs than any player in the history of baseball. It's going to happen whether you like it or not.

 

There's not going to be an asterisk. There's not going to be a special record book for the "Steroid Era." You can unload a dump truck full of needles in left field or curse Barry's name in skywriting over the stadium...but it won't stop Barry Bonds from breaking the most hallowed record in all of sports.

 

That said, there may be something we can do as fans to cope with Barry.

 

Here's a thought: What if we stop whining and just enjoy it? What if we celebrate the feat but not the man? In fact, what if we leave the man completely out of the equation?

Celebrate the Feat, not the Man—that should be the mantra for fans and pundits alike. It's the perfect way to deal with the situation. Can you imagine thousands of articles written about the new record...without a single one mentioning of the name Barry Bonds?

I can picture the lead: "History was made today when a left fielder for the San Francisco Giants broke Hank Aaron's all-time home run record."

The same rule would apply at Cooperstown—you'd have the bat and the ball, but there'd be no name recognition: "This bat was used by a Giants left fielder to break the all time home run record in 2007."

What better way to "get back" at Barry Bonds? He doesn't care that everyone hates him. All he knows is that he's going to break the record and be immortalized for it. He'll be the winner. The rest of us will bicker about it like a bunch of old women haggling over the price of a tomato at Stop & Shop.

By taking Barry Bonds' name out of the story, we take him out of history—we take his immortality away.  And if we can keep it up long enough—until the next slugger breaks the record—maybe his name will be forgotten all together.

In the meantime, there are plenty of things that we as fans can do to show our disgust. In Philadelphia, fans turned their backs when Barry came to bat. To me, that's just the tip of the iceberg. If fans really want to make an impact, they should stop buying tickets. If Barry is coming to your city, stay home. I know it'll seem like you're not supporting your team, but think of the message it would send to Major League Baseball. Baseball execs may not have a clue as to what to do about Barry—but once ticket sales start to drop, you can be sure the ideas will start coming.

And remember: Celebrate the Feat, not the Man. Write about the record all you want. Write about Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron and how great they were. Write about the crowd when the record is broken. Write about the pitcher that gives it up. Write about the fan that catches the ball.

But whatever you do, don't write about Barry.

Even if this little scheme of mine doesn't work, there's one thing we as fans can take some solace in: When Barry does break the record, his name will always be associated with cheating, and his records will forever be in question. Barry Bonds will be the new home run leader, but he'll never ever be in the same league with greats like Aaron, Ruth, or Willie Mays.

"Celebrate the Feat, not the Man." Say that when Bonds breaks the record and you're sitting there stewing about it and maybe, just maybe, you can scrape some tiny shred of enjoyment out of the thing.