2012 March Madness: Ranking the Teams by People Who Don't Watch Basketball

Last year, I talked my girlfriend into entering an NCAA tournament pool. Her theories were strange in picking teams, but as fate would have it, she came in second out of 50 people and was probably the only one in the pool who knew nothing about college basketball.

And I mean nothing.

Her success piqued her curiosity, however, and she would watch games with me this season to brush up on her pool knowledge. She once again is in the top five and still doesn’t really know anything about basketball.

I bring all this up because her method of picking teams has to do with the team name, and not a whole lot else. This gave me an idea. I wanted to rank each team by its name by people who knew nothing about basketball, so I gathered a few people and put a ranking together. It wasn’t hard to find people who don’t watch basketball as I live in Tampa and they barely know what a basketball is down here.

After this scientific poll, I showed it to my girlfriend, Keri, and got her input on each of the teams ranked.

I knew a lot of things about my girlfriend, but I never knew her genius, as you’ll read in the upcoming slides.

I present, the rankings of every college basketball team in the NCAA tournament by people who don’t know anything about basketball and critiqued by my girlfriend.

Enjoy.

68. Memphis Tigers

Keri’s thoughts:

“Memphis should have been named something cooler, like the Memphis Bar-B-Q’ers. I bet they’d have great tailgating.”

67. Virginia Cavaliers

Keri’s thoughts:

“Don’t they fence? Cavalier can be good or bad, but if you drive a Cavalier, you’re probably from New Jersey.”

66. Creighton Bluejays

Keri’s thoughts:

“Why do they spell Bluejay funny?”

65. San Diego State Aztecs

Keri’s thoughts:

“There were Aztecs in California?”

64. Detroit Titans

Keri’s thoughts:

“Shouldn’t they be the Steelers? Isn’t that what they make cars out of?”

63. Xavier Musketeers

Keri’s thoughts:

“Do they only let three men on the team at a time?”

62. Temple Owls

Keri’s thoughts:

“They sound smart. But I know people who went to Temple that aren’t smart at all. Maybe it’s just the athletes who are smart, or the mascot.”

61. South Florida Bulls

Keri’s thoughts:

“They sound like liars.”

60. Iona Gaels

Keri’s thoughts:

“Gael? Isn’t that a bird?”

59. Saint Mary's Gails

Keri’s thoughts:

“No, wait! Isn’t that a gust of wind?  It sounds like an all-girls school.”

58. Lamar Cardinals

Keri’s thoughts:

“Lamar is a school. The only Lamar I know is from Revenge of the Nerds.”

57. Louisville Cardinals

Keri’s thoughts:

“They must be good in winter because that’s when cardinals are out.”

56. Syracuse Orange

Keri’s thoughts:

“It’s odd that they chose a color. Especially a color that doesn’t rhyme with anything.”

55. Harvard Crimson

Keri’s thoughts:

“Another color team? Harvard should be brown because I imagine a lot of old wood there.”

54. Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles

Keri’s thoughts:

“Sounds fancy.”

53. Duke Blue Devils

Keri’s thoughts:

“I knew they’d be something stupid.”

52. Notre Dame Fighting Irish

Keri’s thoughts:

“I’m Irish, but I don’t like the name. How about the Friendly Irish?”

51. UNC-Asheville Bulldogs

Keri’s thoughts:

“I got nuthin’.”

50. Murray State Racers

Keri’s thoughts:

“Racers or Erasers? Racers? Really? What, like cars? Erasers would be better.”

49. Colorado State Rams

Keri’s thoughts:

“Sounds like a dangerous place for a ram with all those mountains. Don’t they graze?”

48. Connecticut Huskies

Keri’s thoughts:

“It’s just a dog that barks a lot.”

47. Marquette Golden Eagles

Keri’s thoughts:

“You already said that. There can’t be more than one golden eagle in the entire world. They’re like the Highlander.”

46. Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils

Keri’s thoughts:

“Where did The Devil and Daniel Webster take place? Wasn’t that somewhere in the south?”

45. Baylor Bears

Keri’s thoughts:

“Nice alliteration.”

44. South Dakota State Jackrabbits

Keri’s thoughts:

“I think jackrabbits have really long ears…like Bugs Bunny.”

43. West Virginia Mountaineers

Keri’s thoughts:

“What does a mountaineer do? Doesn’t seem that exciting.”

42. Wichita State Shockers

Keri’s thoughts:

“They should be in Florida, not Kansas. I don’t think you can get shocked in Kansas.”

41. Virginia Commonwealth Rams

Keri’s thoughts:

“I do remember who Shaka Smart is.”

40. Kansas State Wildcats

Keri’s thoughts:

“Do they have wildcats in Kansas? I’d imagine they’d all be domestic, like barn cats.”

39. New Mexico State Lobos

Keri’s thoughts:

“What’s a lobos?”

38. California Golden Bears

Keri’s thoughts:

“How is a bear golden? I guess because everyone else in California is blonde, the bears have to be blonde, too.”

37. North Carolina Tar Heels

Keri’s thoughts:

“That sounds stupid.”

36. Vermont Catamounts

Keri’s thoughts:

“I don’t know what that is.”

35. Georgetown Hoyas

Keri’s thoughts:

“Hoyas!! That sounds like a tree.”

34. Florida Gators

Keri’s thoughts:

“When I think of gators, I think of Louisiana.”

33. New Mexico State Aggies

Keri’s thoughts:

“Sounds like a nun. Sister Aggie.”

32. Ohio State Buckeyes

Keri’s thoughts:

“That’s a candy with peanut butter dipped in chocolate, but not all the way.”

31. Loyola Greyhounds

Keri’s thoughts:

“They’re fast. That’s a good name.”

30. UNLV Rebels

Keri’s thoughts:

“That makes sense. Vegas is evil.”

29. North Carolina State Wolfpack

Keri’s thoughts:

“Ooooh, a pack of wolves, not a lone wolf. Sounds like they get things done.”

28. Ohio Bobcats

Keri’s thoughts:

“At least it’s not a wildcat. But, it is less intimidating. It’s got a first name, like it’s short for Robert Cat.”

27. Missouri Tigers

Keri’s thoughts:

“There are definitely no tigers in Missouri.”

26. Alabama Crimson Tide

Keri’s thoughts:

“Is that a red river?”

25. St. Bonaventure Bonnies

Keri’s thoughts:

“Is that short for bonnet? It sounds like they’re tippin’ their hats to the ladies.”

24. Florida State Seminoles

Keri’s thoughts:

“Sounds respectful.”

23. Belmont Bruins

Keri’s thoughts:

“A Bruin? What’s that? Like, something’s a-brewin’ in Denmark?”

22. Saint Louis Billikens

Keri’s thoughts:

“That seems like it would be a cross between a pelican and…what else has a bill?”

21. LIU Brooklyn Blackbirds

Keri’s thoughts:

“Isn’t a blackbird a raven? What’s a magpie?”

20. Norfolk State Spartans

Keri’s thoughts:

“This is Sparta!”

19. Lehigh Mountain Hawks

Keri’s thoughts:

“Better than chicken hawks.”

18. Texas Longhorns

Keri’s thoughts:

“Makes me think of a steak house.”

17. Kentucky Wildcats

Keri’s thoughts:

“Boring.”

16. Davidson Wildcats

Keri’s thoughts:

“More wildcats? Booo.”

15. Michigan Wolverines

Keri’s thoughts:

“There should be more teams named after X-Men.”

14. Michigan State Spartans

Keri’s thoughts:

“But do they train like Spartans?”

13. Kansas Jayhawks

Keri’s thoughts:

“Another bird?”

12. Vanderbilt Commodores

Keri’s thoughts:

“Didn’t you have a Commodore 64? That school must have old computers.”

11. Indiana Hoosiers

Keri’s thoughts:

“I have no idea what a Hoosiers is. No one does. People just know it’s a good Gene Hackman movie.”

10. Gonzaga Bulldogs

Keri’s thoughts:

“Gonzaga sounds like the name of a bulldog.”

9. Western Kentucky Hilltoppers

Keri’s thoughts:

“Doesn’t sound like something that moves very much. Bad mascot.”

8. Iowa State Cyclones

Keri’s thoughts:

“I don’t know. How many more are there?”

7. Colorado Buffaloes

Keri’s thoughts:

“Is that the same as a bison. They probably make a good cheeseburger. They’re also leaner than cows.”

6. Cincinnati Bearcats

Keri’s thoughts:

“How do they get that hybrid made?”

5. Wisconsin Badgers

Keri’s thoughts:

“What’s the difference between a badger and a beaver? Sounds like the beginning of a dirty joke?”

4. Montana Grizzlies

Keri’s thoughts:

“Of all the teams, that name makes the most sense.”

3. Long Beach State 49ers

Keri’s thoughts:

“Sounds like they pigeon-holed themselves. If I was going to pick a number, I’d pick the ones or maybe the sevens, because it’s lucky.”

2. Purdue Boilermakers

Keri’s thoughts:

“That could be a chicken that’s boiled, not fried.”

1. Brigham Young Cougars

Keri’s thoughts:

“Now that makes sense since cougars like them young.”