Jon Gruden Shown the Door in Tampa, Called "Hillary" on the Way Out

When Peter King of Sports Illustrated compares you to two of the most polarizing politicians of the last sixty years, all in the space of two paragraphs, you know you are having a bad day.

"It didn't help Gruden that, in the words of one NFL source Friday night, "He was Hillary Clinton there." In other words, he'd always have a solid core of support, but there would always be a large, polarized part of the public (and ownership, perhaps) who wouldn't be in his corner. And he'd never work to win over the media or the fans who didn't buy his workaholic, everyman schtick.

Gruden's impenetrable veneer surely didn't help him with the Glazer family, either. He and Allen, one league rival said Friday night, ran the team like the Nixon White House, communicating poorly with the public and running the teams with an our-way-or-the-highway approach, even when the results of the team didn't merit regal treatment from the public or the media."

Has a football coach ever been called a Hillary? But to say one's coaching style is a combination of the worst aspects of the political style of two of America's most vicious recent political animals is amazing.

The most vicious aspects of the Old Tricky Dick Nixon White House and Hilary Clinton polarization parade rolled into one old Buccaneer ball coach's brain? What type of Buccaneer beast was parading about the Pirate ship of Raymond James stadium?

A snarling monster that would have made real pirates like Edward "Blackbeard" Teach, Captain Henry Morgan and Captain Kidd tremble in fear of being cut perhaps? 

Is Gruden Grendel?

In the NFL its a quick trip from being Gandalf Gruden to becoming Gruden the Gollum.

No wonder Phil Simms wanted his frightened kid on the first plane out.

Did Al Davis rub off on him also? Or did Davis just place a pirates curse on his coach?

Did mad Gruden sit grinning grimly on the swinging pirate ship at night alone screaming oaths about the owner and taunting his team with sordid song?

Fifteen men on the dead man's chest- Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest- Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!

In an NFL which has suddenly gone Doogie Howser with its coaching hires, at forty five Gruden is suddenly an old man.

An old man trained by Al Davis and, according to Peter King, with Hilary Clinton's and Dick Nixon's demons fighting for control of his brain.

Just imagine the horrors a man faces when trying to manage a crucial football game in the fourth quarter with Dick Nixon and Hilary Clinton bowie knife fight in your brain? No wonder QB Jeff Garcia always looked frustrated and confused.

The Sioux say each man has a good wolf and a bad wolf battling in their brains and whichever wolf one feeds most wins control. But even grim Crazy Horse and old Sitting Bull, with their plethora of problems, never faced the grim prospect of Nixon and Hilary bar room brawling in their brains.

Who do you root for? Which brain wolf do you feed? The Hilz or Tricky Dick?

Well at least Nixon knew football.

In fact Nixon loved football. Remember when he gave George Allen's Washington Redskins's that Super Bowl play? It was based on deception and misdirection and it failed miserably of course but the old boy tried anyway.

Maybe it was that Tom Brady Tuck Rule play that has made him go Nixonian mad?

Or is the Hilary polarization caused by some strange Shakespearean shade that appears at night taunting him with the words Tuck, Tuck, Tuck, and does that grinning ghost wear a hooded sweatshirt over his face and shuffle in an oddly Belichickian way?

Where does this rough Gruden beast slouch off to be reborn?

Where is the Gruden Clinton Nixon White House next coaching stop?

Back to the future. Back to Oakland perhaps, where Mad Al Davis will hug him, do a little jig, and break into a Paul Simon tune.

If you'll be my bodyguard
I can be your long lost pal

Or to Gotham? Grendel Gruden's Gotham Gang Green the New York Post will blare!

Or a year in the studio then off with Charlie Weis head and the Football version of Nixon's White rolls into South Bend?

Or maybe nearby Chicago where Lovie Smith seat is suddenly hot and his offense cold and defense old.

Either way if he needs a General Manager G. Gordon Liddy still looks pretty healthy. 

If you have Nixon's White House on your brain its best to get someone to control it.

Why not give G Gordon one last shot?

As for Hilary? Good luck. Maybe call Bill and ask him what do to do about Hilary screaming in your head. 

It can't be worse than losing your last four games and missing the playoffs.

Can it?

Don't worry about Gruden though, Chuckie always has one more sequel.