English Premier League: Picking the EPL's Best Hair XI

Footballers and hairstyling products go together like Snooki and a houseplant: Put them together and you never know what you'll get.

Ahem. All that's to say footballers are notorious for their insane hairstyles. And with that in mind, today we're ranking the best of the best in the English Premier League.

Before we start, though, we'll have to settle on a definition for "best." Honestly, it kinda depends on what your definition of "is" is, so we'll just go with this:

Best=whatever.

Oh, and this "team" absolutely doesn't follow any traditional or non-traditional formations, in any way, as you'll probably notice by the lack of a goalkeeper. Direct all indignant comments below.

Ready? Let's get started.

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Bacary Sagna

No one's really sure what Bacary Sagna's hair is. It kinda looks like that trippy Bracelet of Anubis from the Mummy Returns, only, you know, on his head.

And what's with the beads? Are they beads?

Anyway, Arsenal will be represented disproportionately in this team.

Emmanuel Frimpong

Emmanuel Frimpong joined Wolves on loan from Arsenal earlier this season. When he got injured, Wolverhampton Wanderers shipped him unceremoniously back to London.

It was a shame, too. Frimpong's sweet mohawk fit right in with being a member of a team called Wolves—as well as with his bad-boy image.

In fact, our dog just looked at this picture and had a minor accident inside the house.

Anderson

Manchester United's Anderson doesn't care that cornrows went out 12 years ago.

He's auditioning for Kevin Federline's pimpin' crew.

Hugo Rodallega

The same must be true for Colombian striker Hugo Rodallega.

That's the only reasonable explanation for why he would want to leave a paradise like Wigan behind.

Steven Pienaar

Last but definitely greatest in our cornrowed trio comes Everton's Steven Pienaar, who apparently takes his afternoon tea during the match.

Benoit Assou-Ekotto

Tottenham Hotspur's Benoit Assou-Ekotto isn't afraid to make a bold statement with his hair.

Or to look like the long-lost brother of Lily Munster.

David Luiz

Chelsea defender David Luiz can't seem to stop making errors lately. Or ever.

But that's OK. He's Brazilian and he looks like Sideshow Bob.

That's cool by us.

Gervinho

What is that on Gervinho's head?

Somebody get Arsene Wenger on the phone. We've figured out what's wrong with Arsenal.

Marouane Fellaini

As great as David Luiz's hair is, he doesn't even have the best afro in the Premiership.

That honor goes to "Smooth" Marouane Fellaini of Everton.

Serious question: Is Fellaini's closet filled with leisure suits? We really, really hope so.

Fabricio Coloccini

While we're on the subject of afros and perms, we can't leave out Fabricio Coloccini, whose hair really should replace the blue star as Newcastle Brown Ale's logo.

Alex Song

Alex Song's dyed faux-hawk/hightop fade is so cool it spawned an (admittedly much, much inferior) imitation from one of his Arsenal teammates.

That's the closest Johan Djourou will ever get to any Best XI list.