Super Bowl Kickoff Time 2012: Fan's Survival Guide for Super Bowl Parties

For fans who plan on going to a Super Bowl party to take in the game, it's important that you know a few things. Super Bowl viewers are made up of a few categories: those with a vested interest (i.e., Patriots and Giants fans), hardcore fans that just watch football—and it's against their religion to miss the game, even though their teams aren't playing—and finally, the casual or non-fan whose at the get-together because, well, it's a party.

I've got three best practices for each group. Starting from the bottom of the football IQ chain:

Casual/Non-Fan

1. If you know you're going have a ton of questions along the lines of "Why are they playing in Indianapolis and not New York or New England?" it is best to interview folks with the patience for that type of inquiry.

Best Targets:

Fans who don't have a favorite team in action. If you ask a Patriots or Giants fan that question mid-game, you're likely to get that look. You know, the one that discourages you from asking any more questions for the rest of the night and resigns you to watching the rest of the game in ignorance.

Fans without a vested interest will likely have the patience to answer your questions.

2. Bring something to the party. If you know you can't offer any expertise, insight or any football value to the get-together, please bring some damn beer, a taco salad or something. Don't just sit there empty-handed, trying to find somebody to answer your questions.

Best Things to Bring:

Hot Wings and/or beer are the safest peace offering and easiest way to have your ignorance overlooked.

3. Learn when to be quiet. Questions are alright, but when something spectacular happens that gets the party in an uproar, wait until after the TV announcers reaction and analysis to ask "What just happened?"

Who knows, you might even have your question answered by Cris Collinsworth. On second thought, he probably doesn't know any more than you, so just ask somebody at the party.

Tip:

Ask somebody whose happy about the play. If Tom Brady gets folded up like a lawn chair, you're not going to want to ask a Patriots fan, "Was that a big deal?"

Hardcore Football Fan

1. Avoid the logic-less homer. He or she will only irritate you with comments like, "Brady could have just kept that ball and ran for the TD"...from his own 20-yard line. They will make it difficult for you to enjoy the game for the game.

Best Spot:

As far away from the big-screen as possible; homers always crowd the TV.

2. Keep your football savant status low key. If you get there spewing all types of knowledge and gridiron comprehension, the group above will swarm you like flies on Billy Cundiff.

Best Gestures:

Just shake your head when you're amazed and say "Wow" a lot. It'll make you appear to be as clueless as the casual or non-fan.

3. At the conclusion of a close game, offer no sensible analysis. The fans of the losing team will not want to hear it, no matter how much sense it makes.

Best Comments:

"Unbelievable," "wow," "amazing."

Diehard Patriots or Giants Fan

1. Avoid people from the first group altogether. You don't know how this will turn out; if your team loses, you can't be held responsible for your reactions to senseless questions.

Tell-Tale Signs:

Steer clear of the person that comes in with wings and beer.

2. Don't wear jerseys to the party. If the outcome is not what you want, you run the risk of looking as stupid as you feel. You'll want to rip that sucker off on the way home, and that just isn't a good look.

Best Wardrobe Choice:

Something semi-casual is a good pick. You'll want to be comfortable, but dressed enough to evoke some mature behavior if the night gets rough.

3. Don't let your highs get too high or your lows get too low. If your team wins this game, you just may be on the other side next season, or like the guy sitting way away from the television, just watching because he loves football.

If your team loses, remember, you've got to go to work tomorrow; you can't afford to get arrested. There is always next year.