The Beer, Wine or Spirit Equivalent of Every NFL Team's Regular Season

More than a few teams caused their faithful patrons to resort to adult beverages to survive the season. For those poor souls, the choices often reflected the malt liquor aisle at your local party store.

The blessed sipped on fine wine or smooth scotches as they reveled in another victory.

Whether you're drinking to forget or to savor, peruse the particular potion inspired by your favorite team.

The New York Jets: Four Loko

Like the controversial beverage combining alcohol and caffeine, the New York Jets are known for causing loud, ridiculous statements.

The energy provided by their Tony Romo-led comeback victory quickly gave way to wobbly play.

In the end, they were left with only regret and an overwhelming sense of shame. 

The New England Patriots: Maker's Mark

Much like Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski, Maker's Mark always connects with its target. 

The New England Patriots have been smooth and strong on offense all season.

Although, if a drink was designated based solely upon the defense, one of the fine malt liquor 40s would have been suggested.

The Miami Dolphins: Mad Dog 20/20

Mad Dog 20/20 and the Miami Dolphins both come in colorful packages.

Neither delivers on its visual promise. 

The Dolphins did put together a nice midseason winning streak, but that only served to secure a worse draft pick.

The Buffalo Bills: Jagermeister

The Buffalo Bills took their first shot of Ryan Fitzpatrick, felt decent and had another.

After a few more got by, they awarded Fitzpatrick a large contract thinking they had found their man. Then everything took a horrible turn.

To anyone who has ever had a night filled with Jagermeister, the feeling is the exact same.

The Detroit Lions: Smirnoff Ice

The Detroit Lions closely resemble Smirnoff Ice, or more specifically, the act of being "Iced."

The Lions were supposed to be improved, but they had many surprising victories that came when you least expected them.

The season wasn't overly strong. However, it did the trick.

The Green Bay Packers: Johnny Walker Blue

The Green Bay Packers have been as smooth as humanly possible.

Even their backup quarterback was able to break records.

Johnny Walker Blue fits this season perfectly.

The Minnesota Vikings: Brut Champagne

All apologies to Jared Allen, but this Minnesota Vikings season was a fraud. 

Much like Brut Champagne, the beer of champagnes.

Donovan McNabb might get a new endorsement out of this relationship.

The Chicago Bears: Jamison

The Chicago Bears season turned into a mess quickly after a few injuries.

The Bears were smooth to start though. None exemplified that more than Matt Forte.

Therefore, the drink for Chicago is Jamison. Like any night spent with Jamison, everything will appear to be going great and then you hurt yourself.

The Indianapolis Colts: Vinegar

Vinegar is essentially old wine that has gone bad. That seems to be the perfect description for the Indianapolis Colts.

Peyton Manning would have made them a better team this season. Yet, the Colts would not have been contenders regardless of his presence.

The Houston Texans: Captain Morgan

The Houston Texans need to take a minute to enjoy a celebratory drink; their fans deserve it.

The suggestion is Captain Morgan. It isn't the best around, but it always delivers under any circumstances.

The Jacksonville Jaguars: Jim Beam

This slide will be the most controversial selection. The choice doesn't really reflect the season that the Jacksonville Jaguars had, but rather an acknowledgement of a consummate professional—Maurice Jones-Drew.

Jones-Drew ran hard all season despite little support from his teammates. So he is honored with a hard-working whiskey—Jim Beam.

The Tennessee Titans: Red Bull and Vodka

Red Bull and vodka has a way of making people think they're better off than they are in reality. The same can be said of Chris Johnson and the Tennessee Titans.

This season might have gone quite a bit better had CJ2K not held out, or if management had paid him a correct amount to begin with.

So they're rewarded with this drink. To thinking you're sober just because you're caffeinated. 

The New York Giants: Southern Comfort

Anybody who has tasted the candied whiskey taste of Southern Comfort will tell you that it doesn't always go down smooth.

But it gets the job done nine times out of 16.

Here's to the 2011-12 New York Giants.

The Dallas Cowboys: Parrot Bay

The Dallas Cowboys looked to be a solid buy before, and even during, the season.

However, there will little mistakes that kept adding up to eventually derail the team. 

Parrot Bay is of a similar vein. The coconut seems like a fun variation, but quickly gets old.

The Washington Redskins: Old English

The Washington Redskins are definitely the equivalent of an Old English 40.

Neither is that good, and you're going to make some mistakes because of it.

Plus, those quarterbacks were disgusting. Is there anything missing from this equation?

The Philadelphia Eagles: Hypnotic

The Philadelphia Eagles are all style and no substance. They're more expensive than they should be considering the quality and impact they have.

Thus, their alcohol for the year is Hypnotic. It looks pretty, but it isn't that great. 

In fact, where's that OE?

The Cincinnati Bengals: Hot Damn

The Cincinnati Bengals aren't quite ready to step up to the adult table yet, but they're certainly precocious enough to do so anyways.

Enter Hot Damn. It's definitely liquor.

However, it isn't in the class of Maker's Mark or Jack Daniels. Yet.

The Pittsburgh Steelers: Jack Daniels

The Pittsburgh Steelers are an American tradition. Just like Old No. 7.

There's a distinctive bite to the way they play football. And if you're not careful, you'll end up feeling the effects.

The Baltimore Ravens: Everclear

Everclear is the most potent mass-produced alcohol in most markets. That seems to be an incredibly apt description for the Baltimore Ravens.

No matter how the game or night starts, both of these two will invariably win and you'll probably get injured.

The Cleveland Browns: Popov Vodka

Cleveland knew what it was getting with the Cleveland Browns. 

Popov is something you get when you're scrounging through your couch cushions for change to buy a desperation fifth. 

It always ends with the worst hangover imaginable, and declarations of eternal sobriety from here on out.

"I'll see you next Sunday."

The San Francisco 49ers: Budweiser

The San Francisco 49ers project an image of hard work and keeping your head down. That perfectly exemplifies Budweiser.

In addition, they're both kings in their own right.

The St. Louis Rams: Bud Light Lime

The St. Louis Rams have potential, but there was something lacking in the execution. 

Bud Light Lime fits this bill perfectly.

The seed for a good idea is present. Yet, it needs something a little more.

Perhaps a wide receiver would help?

The Seattle Seahawks: Any Flavored Burnett's Vodka

The Seattle Seahawks have some pieces that are built for success. Marshawn Lynch has continued to impress, but the team did not take a step forward this year.

Thus, they are Burnett's flavored vodka.

Decent enough to have around. Just not worthy of being put on display.

The Arizona Cardinals: Corona

Corona is a decent beer that really hits the spot in the right situations. However, it's often overpriced.

Enter the Arizona Cardinals. 

Patrick Peterson is among the most exciting young players in the league. Yet, Kevin Kolb looks to be an expensive bust.

The San Diego Chargers: Kessler

The San Diego Chargers have been taking steps back instead of progressing for the past couple seasons.

Their season equivalent is Kessler whiskey. 

It'll get the job done every once in a while, but you're not going to enjoy the finished product.

The Oakland Raiders: Jungle Juice

Everybody who has spent any time on a college campus knows what jungle juice is. Also, every single one of those people will give you a different recipe for its composition.

That's exactly how one should describe the Oakland Raiders this season.

The parts were puzzling. 

Additionally, you could never be sure where Carson Palmer was going to throw the ball.

Just like you'll never know where a jungle-juice night will lead you.

The Denver Broncos: Screwdriver

This one will feel counterintuitive, but the Denver Broncos, as a team, are a screwdriver.

Nobody ever complains about a screwdriver. However, nobody ever sings the praises of the screwdriver.

That feels like the perfect description of an 8-8 team.

The Kansas City Chiefs: Jose Cuervo

Jose Cuervo never looks good sitting on the shelf. Yet, you buy it anyways and sometimes have some fun.

Until you wake up the next morning.

Good morning, 2011-12 Kansas City Chiefs. Here's an aspirin.

The New Orleans Saints: Courvoisier

The New Orleans Saints, and more specifically Drew Brees, had a great year. One word to describe it would be smooth.

That also doubles as a great summary for Courvoisier.

Drink up, New Orleans. You always get a free pass in this department anyway.

The Atlanta Falcons: Castillo Rum

Castillo Rum is not one the prettiest girls in town. Yet, she always gets her man.

The Atlanta Falcons were no different. They're effective, even if you can't always figure out why.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Captain Morgan's Tattoo

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers appeared to be building a brand name. Yet, when it came time for measurement, they were found wanting.

Captain Morgan has a strong tradition as well. Until they produced the product Tattoo.

Both are horrible.

The Carolina Panthers: Bird Dog Whiskey

The Carolina Panthers are just like Bird Dog Whiskey.

You probably haven't heard too much about either of them, but they're deceptively good.

In addition, you can't wait until the next time you get to see them.