10 Reasons the January Transfer Window Will Be Insane

The world football transfer window is nearly here. Yeah, it's gonna be crazy.

It could almost be like one of those wacky, breathless monster-truck ads on TV—except, you know, with footballers.

January! January! January!

One month only…

Jim-Bob's Bait and Tackle presents… the world football transfer window!

Every player must go!

We're offering deep discounts (OK, maybe not), so come on in.

January! January! January!

That's right: Only two weeks left. Let's get right to it.

Here are 10 reasons January! January! January! is gonna be wacky.

Carlos Tevez

Either you're bored of the Carlos Tevez saga or you can't get enough of it.

Count us in the second group. Ever since he refused to trot out onto the Bavarian pitch back in September, Carlos Tevez has been the hottest name in the world transfer market.

He's been linked with almost every club on the continent, and a few on other landmasses as well.

There are 31 days in January. That means we're about to get 31 glorious days of speculation, innuendo, rumours, denials, accusations, video montages, shirtless pictures, over-the-top reporting and false alarms concerning Carlos Tevez.

We sincerely cannot wait.

David Beckham

Speaking of shirtless photography, David Beckham's contract with the Los Angeles Galaxy is up, and he's getting that one last run-out in the spotlight.

Like Tevez, Beckham has been linked with anybody and everybody in world football, from Brazil to the Middle East.

Beckham could, of course, stay in America, or he could head back to England. Shockingly (we kid!), Harry Redknapp threw his hat into the ring, then quickly withdrew it.

Where will Becks go? We might not know for some time.

Big Spenders, Exotic Locations

It's the newest fad in world football: signing with a sketchy team that plays in a sketchy league but offers tons of upside by paying lots and lots and lots of money.

See Samuel Eto'o and Roberto Carlos. See Nicolas Anelka. See...erm...Diego Maradona.

In Russia, there's Anzhi Makhachkala. In China, it's Shanghai Shenhua. In the Middle East, it's Al-Wasl.

Who will they lure to their exotic locations in January?

Neymar

So, that Neymar-to-Real Madrid story apparently wasn't true. Or was it?

What's the deal, anyway? Is Neymar heading to Europe? Or is he content to sunbathe with scantily-clad women and tasty soda on sexy Brazilian beaches?

Sure, he signed an extension with Santos. Sure, he hilariously used stereotypes to make fun of the entire European continent. Sure, Santos is paying him enough to feed an entire third-world country.

But isn't it still possible he could move to Europe? You know, if they make him an offer he can't refuse?

Maybe so, and maybe not, but neither will stop the media from reporting on it breathlessly for the entire month of January.

Manchester United Need Players

Manchester United keep on keeping on in the Premier League, but don't be fooled.

Sir Alex Ferguson needs players.

Nemanja Vidic is crocked, probably for the season. It's something like that for Darren Fletcher, too, except that his health problem is quite different. Other injured players include Anderson, Tom Cleverley, both da Silva brothers and Michael Owen.

United will have to buy some players, if only to provide cover.

Arsenal Might Spend, Again

Remember the last transfer deadline day? Arsenal went nuts (at least by Arsenal's standards), signing Andre Santos, Per Mertesacker, Yossi Benayoun, Mikel Arteta and Park Chu-Young on a single day.

Now, manager Arsene Wenger is saying the Gunners have more money to spend. The smart bets are on Lukas Podolski of Cologne, who is reportedly available for about £15 million (Wenger denied any interest).

Wait a minute. Arsenal is spending money? Again?

Who are you, and what have you done with Arsene Wenger?

Chelsea, Too

Chelsea didn't exactly go nuts in the previous transfer window—at least not by the standards of owner/oligarch Roman Abramovich (pictured, center, looking as maniacal as ever).

But thanks to Abramovich's Russian oil money, Chelsea always have money to spend. This January, it's a good bet they'll spend it.

We already mentioned Nicolas Anelka and his proposed move to China. Didier Drogba also figures to leave sooner than later, and even Frank Lampard is being linked with a transfer.

The speculation makes at least some sense. First-year manager Andre Villas-Boas is in the process of molding the team in his own image.

That takes money, which Chelsea and Abramovich have. Look for them to spend it in January.

Wesley Sneijder

You remember the Wesley Sneijder-to-Manchester United saga last summer, right?

Who says it can't start up again in January?

Yippee!

What About Real Madrid?

Real Madrid are still ahead of Barcelona in Spain's La Liga table.

But as the most recent edition of El Clasico demonstrated, Real still trail their Catalan rivals by some distance on the pitch.

Crazy stories are now coming out of Madrid, like how Jose Mourinho might sell Mesut Özil (Liverpool would gladly take his "inconsistency").

So is it panic time? Or will Real Madrid buy some big names in January?

Adel Taarabt

Good ol' Adel. No, not her. QPR's Adel Taarabt.

This dude is hilarious. He plays mediocre football on the pitch for QPR. First, he moans about not wanting to be there. Then he moans about playing time.

Wah. He really wants to play for PSG. Wah. Or is it Napoli? Malaga? Waaaaaah.

And, no, it's not about money at all. It's definitely all about football.

This has all the makings of an epic transfer saga in January.