Christmas Gifts for Our Favorite Athletes

While the rest of us suffer through the depths of despair in this stinker of a recession, our beloved sports heroes have felt no ill effects from Santa's empty pockets. In fact, they are probably doing their best to spur on the economy with outlandish spending and gift-giving sprees. Get out that black American Express card guys, and shop!

Of course, we all assume they have everything they need, but not so fast, my friend. There are a few gadgets, widgets and toys that our boys need to really complete their "look."

These items may not be on their Christmas wish lists, but should be.

Sean Avery

A $2,000 gift card for sensitivity training with Gloria Steinem and two tons of mashed potatoes (so he never runs out of leftovers), donated by the NHL.

Allen Iverson

A contract with Death Row Records—after all, he might as well make money off his potty-mouth.

Tom Brady

A new publicist so no one forgets about him—his current one isn't doing a very good job.

Mack Brown

A crying towel, and a new law ordering a fence to be installed around Texas, with electrical currents to keep their quarterbacks in-state.

Pete Carroll

An offensive coordinator who has no delusions of grandeur.

Terrell Owens

Lancome's new $34 mascara that, at a touch of a button, vibrates during application. What better gift to give the biggest diva in the NFL?

Matt Leinart

Another supermarket strike that might possibly lure Kurt Warner back to bagging groceries.

Plaxico Burress

A Nerf gun.

Norv Turner

A session with SNL's Stuart Smalley so gosh darn it, people will like him.

The Detroit Lions

A federal law that legalizes euthanasia.

Bob Stoops

Aluminum-foiled windows and rabbit-ears antennas to keep the BCS Bowl demons away.

Rick Neuheisel

A quarterback with titanium legs.

Urban Meyer

A lobotomy to erase all thoughts of another "dream" job.

Tim Tebow

Peace, goodwill on earth, and a night with Paris Hilton so he will make us all feel not so wretched about ourselves.

The BCS

A trip to Oz, so they can get a brain, a heart and some courage.

Joe Paterno

Some skinny jeans and contact lenses so he at least looks cool while coaching for the next few years.

The New York Yankees

A laugh-track to accompany all their trade acquisition announcements.

Kobe Bryant

A defender who can bench press more than 100 pounds and not look like Steve Urkel in the paint.

Paul Pierce

R-E-P-E-A-T.

LeBron James

The Celtics' "Big Three."

Phil Jackson

A big, fat blunt for all of the Lakers fans so they can chill.

Gene Chizik

A faulty lie detector test. (Google it if you don't understand.)

The Heisman Trust

Some freaking duct tape, a sock, and Prozac for Billy Sims after he yelled "Boomer" 11 times during the Heisman presentation. (Are you kidding me?)

Auburn

Some calm, non-judgmental fans.

Jimmy Clausen

A new hair stylist.

Ball State

A crappy coach that no one wants.

Ohio State

A football fan base with long-term memory loss.

Charlie Weis

A miracle-performing priest.

The SEC

A TiVo that can erase this past season.

The Mountain West

Another year of play against the Pac-10.

The ACC

A basketball season that starts in September.

The Big Ten

A mulligan when playing against ranked teams.

The Big East

A taser wake-up call for Louisville, South Florida and Rutgers.

The Big 12

A new commish and some sympathy and tea.

The Pac-10

A pandemic that invades South-Central Los Angeles for five years, and some tranquilizers for Pete Carroll.