The Absolutely Worst of the NFL, Week 9 Edition

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." That's what Billy Crystal told Meg Ryan in  When Harry Met Sally.

Watching this week's slate of early NFL action inspired a corollary: When you realize there isn't going to be any good football played in any of the seven early games, you want the late games to start as soon as possible.

I mashed my DVR's fast-forward button in the futile hope it could cue up the future.

Though there was enough terrible pigskin being played in the early games for me to bang this thing out by halftime, I had to be sure I wouldn't miss any of this week's Absolutely Worst of the NFL. I'm glad I waited—I think.

The Absolutely Worst "Big Game": Buffalo Bills at New York Jets

Though Bills-Jets might be the least intense rivalry of all the AFC East matchups, these two teams rarely meet with more at stake.

Fifty thousand Bills fans show up in white to see their hometown Bills fight for AFC East supremacy. The Jets kick off, and then...

The Bills go three-and-out. The Jets go on a 12-play, 84-yard, 10-minute drive that ends when Mark Sanchez throws a pick in the end zone. The Bills punt. The Jets punt. The Bills punt. Sanchez throws a pick they review and rule incomplete; the Jets kick a field goal instead. Ryan Fitzpatrick throws a pick. Two plays later, the Jets miss a field goal. Two plays later, Fitzpatrick throws another pick. One play later, Sanchez gets sack-fumbled. The Bills go four-and-out.

Finally Sanchez runs out the clock, and a nation weeps tears of joyous relief.

That's how the first half of the absolute worst game between a 5-2 team and a 4-3 team ever in the history of the NFL went. If anyone out there can show me a less eventful, more nihilist midseason contest between playoff contenders, I'd love to see it.

Wait. No, I wouldn't.

The Absolutely Worst Running Back: Chris Ogbonnaya, Cleveland Browns

To be fair, the Browns were without starter Peyton Hillis and change-of-pace backup Montario Hardesty. To be real, Ogbonnaya could only muster 28 yards on 13 carries. That's a horrifying 2.2 yards-per-average carry. Even worse, he lost a fumble on his first carry.

Maybe he just looked extra bad next to Arian Foster and Ben Tate, who gashed the Browns for 239 yards and two TDs with their collective 31 carries. Maybe Houston's quick-scoring pace took away the power running Cleveland likes to do. Maybe Colt McCoy didn't pass effectively enough to make the run a credible threat.

Maybe Ogbonnaya shouldn't yet be within 28 yards of an NFL starting lineup.

The Absolutely Worst First-Quarter Performance: Philip Rivers, San Diego Chargers

The good news was Rivers threw touchdown passes on each of the Chargers' first three drives. The bad news was, two of them were to Packers.

Remarkably, Rivers threw three more touchdown passes to guys wearing the correct jerseys, and the Chargers managed to keep pace with the explosive Green Bay Packers. With 33 seconds left in the game, Rivers and the Chargers were just 41 yards from being the first team to knock off the defending World Champions.

The good news was, Rivers' pass was caught at the Packers' 18-yard line. The bad news? It was by Packers DB Charlie Peprah—again.

The Absolutely Worst Onside Kick Coverage: Jordy Nelson, Green Bay Packers

Look, they call the guys that go out to cover an onside kick the "Hands Team." Why? Because they're all guys who can reliably catch and handle the ball. Why? Because in order to keep the ball on an onside kick, the receiving team has to catch and secure the ball.

Jordy Nelson doesn't grasp this crucial concept.

Late in the fourth quarter, San Diego was about to onside kick for their lives. Nelson went out there, saw the kick wobbling his way, and he volleyballed it back to the Chargers with gusto. Nelson might as well have have personally handed the ball to Rivers and invited him to make it a one-score game. Rivers, of course, accepted the invitation.

Nelson may have been trying to bat it out of bounds, but if so he did a horrible job. Look where he's looking! Look where he batted it! That wouldn't make it out of bounds if nobody else was on the field. Rivers bailed Nelson out, but he's got to learn what to do there or this will come up again later.

The Absolutely Worst Kansas City Chiefs: Kansas City Chiefs

Seriously, you guys. Seriously.

How on Earth does a team that made the playoffs last year get blown out 31-3 by a team that came into the game 0-7?