Week 15 NFL Picks: Everything You Need to Know About the NFL

Please only use the following information for wagering purposes:

Tampa Bay at Atlanta (-3)

Wow, what a performance by the Bucs defense on MNF.  The worst tackling display since Mary’s students tried to tackle Matt Dillon, “Special my ass.”  Rhonde Barber may actually be the most hated Barber now.  Tiki Barber now has to explain to people “No, I’m not the idiot brother who can’t tackle, I’m the idiot brother who’s the team cancer, you know, the one who thinks he’s got a TV career.  It’s my brother who can’t tackle.”

Atlanta continues to amaze people.  People just love this team and why not.  They were down with the Vick thing and Matt Ryan brings them back.  Well, I don’t like happy endings...wait, let me rephrase that, this is not ending well for Atlanta.  Gruden teaches the Bucs how to tackle and they pull off the upset in the dome.  Bucs.

Washington at Cincinnati (+7)

Clinton Portis’ child-like rant at Jim Zorn last week is not good for team chemistry.  Neither is fumbling the game away then blaming others for the loss, its called projection.  Look it up, Clinton.  Portis, not Bill or Hillary.  Maybe they should too.

So, can Cincy keep this close.  Not really close like the Philly game, just sort of hanging around close.  I don’t think so, because Zorn has to play the baby in the fourth quarter and you know he’s going to score a “meaningless” touchdown to cover, then come off the field and hug Zorn.  And if you have Cincy at that point, you’re going to scream “hypocrite” but no one is going to care, especially me, laying the points.  Redskins.

Seattle at St. Louis (+3)

Seattle’s Deion Branch had an amazing game last week against his old team with two TDs.  It’s sad that the two greatest motivational factors in the NFL are spite and Mike Singletary’s penis.

St. Louis, wow, remember the Greatest Show on Turf?  Remember Mike Martz wasting timeouts, remember Bellicheck taping their pregame Super Bowl practice, what a jerk.  These are all things Rams fans try to remember while forgetting this season.  But if they have any pride whatsoever, they have to be upset about getting points from Seattle while at home.  Rams.

San Francisco at Miami (-6.5)

Not to dwell on Mike Singletary with his pants down, but how does this work?  Are they inspired or just doing everything they can fearing what he will do after the next loss.  I see high school coaches doing this and I see lawsuits, restraining orders and blurry cell phone pics on the Internet.  OK, I’m stopping, sorry.

Miami beat Buffalo in Canada and now they’re the class of this division?  Me no think so.  I take them about as seriously as Tom Cruise when he says he’s going to kill Hitler.  But they’re good enough to get past a tired San Fran team traveling a very long way.  Dolphins.

Buffalo at NY Jets (-7.5)

Poor Buffalo, the NFL makes them play in Canada once for each of the next four years.  They hate us up there, especially their football fans.  They think we’re imposing our brand of football on them.  Goodell and Cheney thought we’d be greeted as liberators, wrong again dudes.

Only the Jets go from “best team in the AFC” to “they’ll finish third in their division” in two weeks.  Well, they’re who Dennie Green thought they were, barely the best team in this division.  It all evens out at the end, so relax Jet fans.  Jets.

Detroit at Indianapolis (-17)

Detroit cannot draft Michael Crabtree.  If Jerry Rice came out this year, they could not pick him.  You cannot do that to your fans, the town is depressed enough about the auto groveling industry.

Indianapolis is rolling, they’re peaking at the right time, they’re headed to the playoffs, but they’re going to have to win three road playoff games to get to the Super Bowl.  They’re mad about that, and they think that maybe if they win this game by 100 points we’ll give them a home game.  We won’t, but they will.  Colts.

San Diego at Kansas City (+5.5)

I hope San Diego wins out just so Norv Turner keeps his job.  I feel bad for him, he’s the Charlie Brown of coaching.  He’s just not a winner, he can’t help it, his name is Norv.  His parents tried to warn us, but we didn’t get the hint.

Herm is another coach that I pray keeps his job.  He’s so predictable with his close losses and good work ethic.  Here’s an idea for NFL coaches, instead of getting to the office at 5am everyday and working 18 hours watching film and practicing, get a few more hours sleep so you don’t make so many incredibly moronic calls on Sunday afternoon.

Every drunk guy in a bar knows how to use timeouts better than most of the coaches in the NFL, it’s absolutely amazing.  And forget about replay challenges.  I’m too mad to pick this game now.  Friggin Chiefs, I guess.

Green Bay at Jacksonville (+1.5)

What happened to the Packers?  Its weird because they looked great last year, 13-3, and came within an overtime game of going to the Super Bowl.  Don’t they basically have the same team as last year?  Really strange, just don’t know what happened.  (Now read that again with a sarcastic voice in your head.)

Jacksonville mailing in the season C.O.D.  Another team that we all thought was better than this.  This is the Disappointment Bowl.  And if anyone is going to win the Disappointment Bowl, it’s Aaron Rodgers with a four hundred yard game.  Packers.

Tennessee at Houston (+3)

Here’s a potential rivalry.  Tennessee left Houston, changed their name but kept their intimidating powder blue unis.  Good move.  They should be in black and white uniforms with bow ties and call themselves the Tennessee Tuxedos.  How can they not?

Houston fans are happy to be the Texans.  People from Texas are ridiculously proud of their state, it borders on insanity.  They’re cool though, just make sure to drive around the state, even if you have to go through Mexico.  Trust me.  Titans.

Pittsburgh at Baltimore (-2.5)

What’s the over/under on this one, 12?  The two best defenses with two of the worst offenses in the league.  The defenses will definitely score more points than the offenses.  This is a huge game with all sorts of playoff implications, but I can’t watch it.  This is going to be boring and ugly.  Someone please text me the score when it’s over.  Pittsburgh’s luck runs out.  Ravens.

Denver at Carolina (-7.5)

Denver is on a bit of roll after their embarrassing loss to the Raiders.  Don’t be fooled, they beat the Chiefs in a close one, everybody beats Herm in a close one.  Now the Broncos’ fifth running back is out.  That’s got to catch up to them, I don’t see them chop-blocking their way out of this one. 

Carolina now has a shot at the number one seed, amazing.  And they showed off an impressive running attack on MNF to compliment their Steve Smith game.  Denver can’t stop the run.  Did everyone else in the NFL hear that?  Mangini?!  Carolina should be able to run all over them then go play action Steve Smith for a few big plays as well.  Panthers.

New England at Oakland (+7)

Bellicheck kept them in northern California for the week between the Seattle game and this one.  I think this might depress them.  If you had two spend two weeks on the road with Hoodiejerk, it might adversely affect you. 

Oakland had 10 days to get ready for this game, is that a good thing?  They don’t believe in their coach or the Crypt Keeper running things, but they get up for good opponents (see, Jets, Broncos).  Raiders.

Minnesota at Arizona (-3)

It must be weird being a Vikings fan, they say stuff like, “Oh man, I hope Frerotte can start this week.”  He’s doubtful and so are the Vikes chances this week.  Just a tough road for them to win the division with Atlanta and the Giants awaiting them, that’s why the Bears win was huge on Thursday.

Arizona actually wants this win to finish as a third seed, but don’t tell them there is no difference between a three and a four seed.  Either way, they’re one and done.  All the pressure is off Arizona and I think they’ll play well in front of a happy crowd who will get to see a playoff game “for the first time since 1947.”  They keep saying that, but it’s not the same team, not to the fans it isn’t. 

Is there a single person or even a relative of a person who was a fan of the ST. LOUIS Cardinals in 1947 who now wants to see a playoff game of the ARIZONA Cardinals.  No, there isn’t.  They just like showing stupid graphics like the price of a bottle of Coke in 1947, then the announcers laugh.  It’s not funny, we know prices have gone up in the last 60 years.  What’s funny about that?  Nothing.  Cardinals.

Giants at Dallas (-2.5)

Giants need this one to stay ahead of Carolina for the one seed and show everyone that it doesn’t bother them when one of their teammates accidentally shoots himself.  That shows the league how cool you are. 

I think they do it, as Eli takes advantage of a weak Dallas secondary.  He usually never plays two bad games in a row because then his Dad will wear a No. 18 Colts jersey at the Christmas dinner.  It’s called motivation.  Have you raised two Super Bowl winning quarterbacks?  No?  Then don’t judge him.

Cowboys are really showing us what they’re made of.  Romo chokes away another big game, Jerry Jones criticizes his star running back for not playing and TO says he’s jealous of the love Romo gives Witten.  What is this the Desperate Cowboys of Crybaby Lane?  No way they make the playoffs with these distractions, their schedule and their quarterback.  Everyone please use all exits getting off the Romo bandwagon.  Giants.

Cleveland at Philadelphia (-13.5)

Cleveland had a quarterback controversy earlier this year, but offensive linemen hate quarterback controversies.  So they settled it by not blocking for either of them.  Now they’re both hurt and Ken Dorsey is starting.  See coaches, be decisive, because nothing good comes out of quarterback controversies.  And by nothing good, of course, I mean Ken Dorsey.

Philadelphia is riding high after the tie debacle, the Reid not running the ball debacle and the Kolb replacing McNabb debacle.  Good job overcoming debacles.  This game will be a debacle for Cleveland.  So, umm, debacle.  Sorry I can’t stop.  Eagles.