Comparing Every NBA Team to a Beer

On the surface, beer is something that is associated more with football and baseball than it is with basketball.  However, there's nothing I like more on a cold winter night than to sit down in front of the television with a nice cold beer and watch a basketball game.

Whether it's a cheap old Budwiser, a nice and tasty Rolling Rock or something more expensive, nothing is quite as soothing as beer and basketball.

Watching such a fast paced game while slowly drinking down one of my favorite beverages is nice and refreshing, but it also makes for a nice comparison between each team and a beer that they resemble.

Some teams in the league are a more expensive, delicious and complex beer, while others are just something that you pick up in a quick sixer on your way home from work.

Each team has defining characteristics, just like each beer that's out there, that makes them relate to each other enough to draw a comparison.

So who looks more like a lager and who looks like an ale.  Better yet, who is the most tasty team in the league?  Go ahead and click that arrow to find out my take.

Atlanta Hawks-Heineken

Atlanta is a nice smooth, easy to drink team that still has a decent taste to it.  There's not too many complex flavors in this team to turn many drinkers off from them.

However, just like there are better Dutch beers out there than a simple old Heineken, there are better teams in their division than just the Hawks.

Boston Celtics-Stella Artois

This is a very unique lager, and one of the oldest brewed in the world (records exist all the way back to 1366).  

Both the Celtics and a bottle of Stella Artois make me think of the past.  Seeing the criss-crossed hardwood pattern in the TD Garden (even if it is a new version of an old place) makes me think of the early years of basketball that only exists on grainy film, just like drinking a smooth, yet bitter Stella just gives me feelings of a different time.

Both are unique and old, but they are also polarizing, as most people have no middle ground when it comes to either.

Charlotte Bobcats-Olde English

At this point in time in their franchise's short history, the Charlotte Bobcats are in a rebuilding phase after making the playoffs once since their creation.

Still, they are doing it the right way by throwing everything at the NBA draft and seeing what will stick.  They're getting the most value possible for their money, even if it means the'll be bad for a few years.

That makes them a bit like a bottle of Olde English, it's cheap, but by golly it'll get you drunk.

Chicago Bulls-Goose Island 312

This is a tasty Chicago-based brew that is easy to drink when compared to most of the other widely-distributed micro-brews out there (if that makes sense).

Its got a lot of different flavors going for it with a strong wheat taste that resembles the Bulls defense, but it's also slightly citrusy and extremely fizzy, almost like a Sprite which resembles their athletic and exciting offense.

Cleveland Cavaliers-Pabst Blue Ribbon

PBR has been like the Cleveland Cavaliers, a bad team for so long that it's almost surprising when either look or taste good.

The interesting thing now is that it's almost started to become cool to like the Cavs, whether it's just out of sympathy for the people of Cleveland (not bloody likely) or just out of a hatred of LeBron James, just like PBR has kind of become a trendy yet terrible beer.

Dallas Mavericks-Sam Adams Black Lager

Sam Adams took a very German beer (as are most of their beers) and put an American twist on it, just like the Dallas Mavericks.

Dirk Nowitzki plays in the NBA with all the traits of a European big man, but there's a twist on him that makes him so much more than the Zydrunas Ilgauskases, the Pau Gasols or the Arvydas Sabonises.

It's as easy to drink dark beer as they come, but that doesn't mean it's not flavorful, it just tastes more sweet than it does thick and malty.

Denver Nuggets-Coors Light

One of the better light beers out there (that's not saying too much), Coors Light kind of reminds me of the Denver Nuggets.

They'll be a decent team, just like a Coors is a decent cheap beer to pick up, but they won't be as satisfying as many of the other teams out there, just like a Coors.

Plus there's mountains on the bottle, so that's quite Denver-y.

Detroit Pistons-Bud Light

This is a tough, thoroughly American (I suppose I should say 'Murrican) team that's fallen on hard times, but they are at least easy to drink in.

They may not be the go-to team here like Bud Light seems to be in terms of 'Murrican beers, but they do reflect the spirit of this country with their tough-nosed play, just like Bud Light reflects the style of 'Murrican light beers (which is disappointing).

Golden State Warriors-Keystone Light

Keystone Light has always been a beer that I have to drink fast or I'm not going to be drinking it at all.

Perfect for a game of beer pong or flip cup, but not for just chilling at home and having a beer, which is just like the Warriors in a way.

If they play a sped up style of basketball then they have every chance of winning the game, but if they get slowed down and have to play defense, you'd better believe that things are about to get nasty.

Go ahead and chug them, you know you want to.

Houston Rockets-Guinness Extra Stout

A powerfully thick and malty mass-produced beer, a nice thick Guinness is a scratch on the surface of how unique beers can be, just like the Houston Rockets.

They aren't built like a normal team, as they have players who could constantly switch positions and things would still be fine.  They have a 6'6" center, an albino forward and a flurry of nearly interchangeable guards, but they still seem normal.

Guinness is different than drinking a Bud Light, but when you look at some other beers out there, it's actually pretty tame.

Indiana Pacers-Budweiser

Bud Light's more tasty, enjoyable older brother, Budweiser is even more of an American staple, although it's getting pushed out of the way these days.

Usually associated more with a NASCAR race, I actually find Budweiser to be a tasty enough beer with plenty of (to use a word made up by breweries) "drinkability."

It's a good American lager, just like the Pacers are a good American basketball team, playing tough defense and doing what it takes to get by.

Los Angeles Clippers-Blue Moon

A tasty, trendy and relatively new beer, a nice Blue Moon (without the orange slice of course, I don't need a fruit salad with my beer) is very refreshing on a hot day.

It is becoming more and more popular as people start to realize that it's a tasty and still cheap alternative to the cheaper, tasteless beers out there and to the more expensive beers, just like the Clippers are starting to look like a tasty alternative to the Lakers.

Los Angeles Lakers-Sierra Nevada Pale Ale

A quite bitter, very complex beer for the price, a Sierra Nevada Pale Ale reminds me quite a bit about the Lakers.

They are hard to like as a fan of the NBA unless you have liked them for years, but you can just pick them up and drink them in easier than most other teams.  It's cool to be seen at a Lakers game as a Lakers fan, just like Sierra Nevada is kind of a cool looking beer to be drinking.

Memphis Grizzlies-Miller High Life

I would say that a good Miller High Life is a tasty beer that embodies American beers, just like the Grizzlies are a tough, hard-nosed basketball team that seems to play with an American spirit.

A bad Miller High Life, however, is tasteless and just unenjoyable, just as the Grizzlies had their moments last year when they were just flat and unable to win easily.

There's a huge variation of how a High Life can taste on any given day, just as there is a huge variation on how well the Grizzlies play on any given day.

Miami Heat-Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA

I've only ever had the 90 Minute IPA from Dogfish Head, but I can only imagine what this beauty tastes like.

The 90 minute was incredibly bitter from the high alcohol content (It's nine percent ABV, the 120 Minute is a ridiculous 18 percent) which it tries to mask with sweetness (hey, just like LeBron James!).

This is definitely an acquired taste.

Milwaukee Bucks-Fosters

Okay, this seems like a cop-out right?  Fosters is an "Australian" beer and the Bucks have one of the only Australian basketball player in the NBA.  Well it kind of is, so shut up.

Still, the Bucks are a decent team to watch, just as Fosters is a decent beer.  Neither are too complex and neither are appreciated very much in their home country.

Minnesota Timberwolves-Natty Light

Go ahead, drink this swill if you want, I won't be partaking with you.  The Timberwolves are a bargain basement team at this point (well, as of the end of last season, I can't really tell you what they'll be when the season starts), just like a Natty Light is an insanely cheap beer.

Natty Light is a college kid's beer, the Timberwolves are just a college team pretending to be an NBA team.

New Jersey Nets-Sam Adams Light Lager

Just as the Nets are probably the most complex decent team out there, Sam Adams Light is probably the best you can do in a light beer.

It's darker than any other light beer that I've ever seen, and it even has something that most light beers don't have much of...taste.

New Orleans Hornets-Dos Equis Ambar

I tried Dos Equis Ambar once after enjoying the basic Dos Equis Lager quite a bit, and I wasn't disappointed.

Like the Hornets, the Ambar is pretty straight forward as a sweet tasting (as far as darker beers go) earthy beer that doesn't do too much to turn you off.  The Hornets are just like this, as they play an entertaining enough style of basketball and don't have any players that you just look at and dislike.

All-around, both are enjoyable experiences. 

New York Knicks-Sam Adams Boston Lager

It made more sense originally to compare the Boston Lager to the Celtics, but I really think it fits more with the Knicks.

Like the Knicks, the people that brew the Boston Lager (Bahsten Lahgeh if you're from the region) see this as the quintessential American beer.  Nothing else can top it.  The Knicks had a sense of self-entitlement over the past few years, like they deserved either LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony, Dwight Howard or one of the high-profile free agents.

They are stuck up, but both are still quite good.

Oklahoma City Thunder-Yuengling Lager

The king of cheap beers.  I could drink Yuengling all day, everyday, and for the price it probably wouldn't be that hard.

The Thunder are a perfectly crafted team to win as much as they can on the cheap (a $53 million title contender is extremely impressive), just like a Yuengling is perfectly crafted to give you a delicious beer at an affordable price.

The only difference is Yuengling has finally come to Ohio, while the Thunder are still locked out of playing basketball.  Hopefully that changes soon.

Orlando Magic-Hoegaarden White Ale

I tried this on a whim at one point, mostly because I liked the name, and I have to say that I wasn't disappointed.

It's a bit pricey, but it is tasty and easy to drink, something that not every beer can say.  Like the Magic it wasn't too complicated and it centered around one main taste, as they center around one main player.

Philadelphia 76ers-Rolling Rock Pale Ale

This is my go-to beer.  It's easy to drink, tasty, and for a college kid it's on the right end of the price spectrum.

It's a good beer, but there are plenty out there that are much better, as a Rolling Rock seems to be more suitable for a "young" beer drinker.  The Sixers are an entertaining, athletic team that are able to win games with a relatively low salary, even though they boast quite a few young players.

Phoenix Suns-Miller Chill

This beer is definitely different, that's for sure.  Actually, I'm not even sure if Miller Chill even exists anymore, but I do remember having it a few years back.

It tastes like a strange mix of a Corona and a Miller Light, just not as watered down.  I can't really say it was good, but it wasn't terrible.

The Suns are as equally not terrible, and they play an interesting style of basketball that makes for interesting games, which is good enough to draw people in to watch.

Portland Trail Blazers-Newcastle Brown Ale

The Newcastle Brown Ale has kind of a cult following around the world, and because of it's slightly strange taste, it's not surprising.

There are so many different things happening in this beer (just like the different styles of basketball players that Portland has), but it somehow al works together and makes you want another if you didn't dislike it.

Once you start watching the Blazers, you can't stop.  They just play an enticing style of basketball.  Once you decide you like Newcastle Brown, you really like it, there's no in between here.

Sacramento Kings-Corona Light

An enjoyable beer on a hot, summer day, but there is so much more to offer when it comes to Mexican beers.

This is easy to drink, just like the Kings, as you can sit down and watch them play a high-scoring game with all their offensive weapons, but they aren't going to be winning any championships any time soon.

San Antonio Spurs-Your Favorite Locally Brewed Beer

They're expensive, tasty, hard to really pound down and it makes you feel good to have one.  Just like the San Antonio Spurs, who have made a reputation on being good year in and year out, nothing is more consistently good than something brewed in house at your favorite bar.

A nice Ohio Pale Ale, Razz Wheat or a Mistic Mama IPA from Jackie O's right here in Athens (surprisingly enough they pay me nothing for my glowing endorsement) has to top my list.  And like the Spurs, I know they'll be good no matter what, although they might not be winning a championship every year, they'll be going to the playoffs.

Toronto Raptors-Red Stripe

Red Stripe is a unique beer with an international flare, just as the Raptors are a unique basketball team loaded with international players.

It's not great beer (or basketball) but it's something to drink (or watch).  Hooray basketball!

Utah Jazz-Harp Lager

A nice Harp Lager seems to me what every American Lager is trying to be.

It is refreshing, actually flavorful and is easily drinkable.  You could sit down and actually enjoy six or eight or 17 of these and not feel like there is an anvil in your stomach.

The Jazz is an example of the best being made out of a bad situation and it actually turning out better than anyone could have expected.  That's a bit like how I fell when I drink a Harp.

Washington Wizards-Miller Light

I just have one question for those home brewers out there.  What the hell does triple hops brewed mean?  Because it seems to mean, "This is going to taste like a light beer, enjoy."

Still, they have triple the hops, just like the Wizards, who are probably the most athletic team (from their top guy to their seventh or eighth guy) out there.

They'll be fun to watch (easy to drink), but they probably won't be making the playoffs.

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