The Orange Bowl: A Stinker?

Imagine, if you will, you're the director of the Orange Bowl. Your job is to pick the opponent for the ACC champs, Virginia Tech. Guess what? Your job stinks.

Let's be perfectly blunt here- nobody cares about the ACC champs except for some die-hard Va. Tech fans who think their team is really good. They're not.

Their offense stinks, and head coach Beamer got decked on the sidelines by his own player. Yep, it's a subliminal message, but what the heck, it made ESPN's highlight reel of their game against Boston College. Good stuff, eh?

Unfortunately for the Orange Bowl, they pick last in the BCS Bowl Selection process. So what do you do? Get stuck with the Big East champs. You have no choice. You're getting the second best team in Ohio. Oh goody.

Make no mistake, Cincy is OK. But that's it. Hawai'i, the team that lost all four of its star wideouts and stud QB Colt Brennan, made Cincy look like week-old Kahlua Pig for three quarters. Roasted, dried-up and dead in some sand.

Undefeated Boise State beat Hawai'i 27-7. The Broncos aren't going bowling, but the Bearcats are, and they ended their season with a miracle fourth quarter rally, beating Hawai'i 29-24. The score is misleading, because Hawai'i was leading by 14 in the fourth.

Hawai'i, for those virgin football fans, is not known for its D, because, well, it has none. In fact, no one can remember the last time the words "Hawai'i" and "D" were used in the same sentence.

But lo and behold, those big Samoan boys were tossing Cincy's RB's around like flaming spears and doing the hula right over the Bearcats' O-line for the first three quarters. Only in the fourth quarter did Hawai'i look like the team we have come to know and expect- hapless, and no D.

What the hell. Are we really expected to tune in and watch a pathetic Orange Bowl because of some ludicrous automatic-bowl berths? How can we even watch this game without regurgitating all of our chicken wings and guacamole?

Georgia smoked Hawai'i last year when the 'Bows were actually pretty good. The Bows stink this year, and embarrassed the Bearcats, even though the Bows lost. Cincy looked dazed in the game- think they had too much Aloha (read- Mai Tais) yesterday?

The 'Bows ran all over the Bearcats' D and Hawai'i is not a running team- hell, they don't even have their stalwart coach, June Jones, anymore. He's off spreading his Mele Kalikimaka at SMU.

Big East, you stink. Royally. And you get a BCS Bowl out of all of this. Barely beating Hawai'i, no wait - beating Hawai'i in the last five minutes of the game because of a turnover and a safety - is a giant dud on your resume.

Let the Lord of Rings light a tiki torch and say a prayer for the most dreadful bowl since Utah-Pitt: Virginia Tech vs. Cincy in the Orange Bowl.

Teams like Texas Tech and Boise State don't get a BCS Bowl, but the Big East champs get their bowl. Mai Tai's anyone?

The Orange Bowl will be the worst bowl ever. Nobody will watch it unless it's the only thing on (which means I'll watch it) and frankly, it will probably get its highest ratings at halftime- after all, the Orange Bowl is known for its rockin' halftime shows.

You remember Ashlee Simpson singing "You make me want to scream," dontcha? Or Kelly Clarkson singing with out any mike sound? Biggest disaster since Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction.

Wait a minute- if you're known for halftime shows, do you really need to hear anything else?

The Orange Bowl.

Proof that some bowls just don't deserve any hype.

Proof that no one wants to play in their bowl because honestly, the Capital One Bowl will have better teams.

Proof that the BCS' automatic bowl berth system really... what's the word I am looking for?

Stinks.