NFL Power Rankings: Comparing Teams to Celebrities

The NFL season is in full swing now following the end of Week 5. By now you have a pretty good idea of which teams are good, which are bad and which ones are competing for the Andrew Luck sweepstakes.

How many times have you caught yourself saying "They're the ___ of the NFL." That's what this list is supposed to be about.

Not only ranking the NFL teams, but finding a celebrity that emulates the team so far this NFL season.

32. St. Louis Rams

There was a lot of promise for this young team. Sam Bradford and Stephen Jackson were supposed to spearhead a return to the "Greatest Show on Turf" years and that dream has all but fizzled out. Each game makes the Rams look worse and worse.

I think the Rams have made it humanly possible to lose a game during a bye week.

Lindsay Lohan had potential in her earlier movies like The Parent Trap and Mean Girls. And then she pretty much fell out of the realm of relativity. Nothing goes right for Lohan much like the Rams' season continues to spiral out of control.

31. Miami Dolphins

The Dolphins have a storied past. Too bad their future looks to be full of bad stories. Chad Henne just went down for the season and an offense that should be explosive looks more like a dud. Reggie Bush was brought over to solve their RB issues and he's done nothing but complicate the issue.

Tom Cruise began his acting career with some big hits. Then as time went on his career began to stumble.

Both Cruise and the Dolphins share the experience of going way outside the box enough to scare people. Cruise did it on a television set while the Dolphins did it by placing their eggs in Chad Henne's basket.

30. Indianapolis Colts

The Colts had a good thing going with Peyton Manning behind center. After Manning went down for the majority, if not all of this year, the Colts struggled. They've yet to win a game and the only reason they aren't the worst team in the league is because they've shown improvement the past few weeks.

Robert Pattinson had a good thing going with the Twilight movies. Then he tried to do movies that didn't involve vampire teeth and sparkles and he flopped. The uneventful "Remember Me" was followed by the much anticipated "Water for Elephants."

Neither films can be considered a true success for Pattinson but at least it looks like he may be improving as an actor.

29. Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars are going young to look for success. Inserting Blaine Gabbert into the starting role so early was something coach Jack Del Rio was probably looking to avoid. The team has been absolutely dreadful despite having one of the leagues best RBs in Maurice Jones-Drew.

Chuck Lorre is also going young, with the choice of Ashton Kutcher to replace Charlie Sheen. Sheen's character was a hit for the show but his meltdown caused Lorre and company to move on with TV's No. 1 show.

28. Denver Broncos

The Denver Broncos were once the cream of the NFL crop. John Elway brought the team to the top of the world and the Broncos followed those years of mediocrity.

This year the team has struggled to find a true leader under center. Kyle Orton hasn't produced much of anything and now they have entered the Tim Tebow zone. The Broncos can only hope this choice stops the run of misfortune.

Hugh Jackman was riding high following his appearances in the X-Men movies. But look at his films following his success. The majority of them are mediocre at best. But then he makes one good film and makes you think he's back on his way to the top.

Tim Tebow just may be the "X-Man" to fix their "Van Helsing" issues.

27. Arizona Cardinals

The Cardinals had some rays of hope when they acquired Kevin Kolb from the Eagles. They had to give up one of the better young corners in the league but they finally got a QB they believed the team could build around.

So far this season has been built around one thing, losing. Kolb has struggled not only to put up good numbers, but struggled to get Larry Fitzgerald the ball enough.

Fitzgerald must be looking for a Friend.

The same can be said for Jennifer Aniston. Ever since the end of "Friends" on TV, Aniston has been searching for success. Her movie career has been marred with failures with a few bright spots.

Kolb and the Cardinals have had their moments this year, unfortunately there just hasn't been enough.

26. Philadelphia Eagles

Oh how the mighty have fallen. The Eagles began the season as one of the most hyped teams in recent years. This season can be described in one word- tragedy. The Eagles' defense couldn't stop a youth football team's rushing attack.

The offensive line is a microcosm of the Eagles' season; no continuity and full of disappointment.

Mel Gibson's career has fell to a tragic end it seems. After a run at the top that mirrors the Eagles' NFC title runs, Gibson can't even make a cameo in a successful major motion picture.

It will be interesting to see who gets their career on track faster, because my money's on Mel at this point.

25. Carolina Panthers

The Panthers knew this season was going to be a rebuilding year. The team fired it's coach and drafted a QB with their first pick in the draft. Cam Newton has blossomed into a fantasy stud but still can't manage to win the game AND throw for 400 yards in a game.

Larry The Cable guy has built his career around one line, "Git-R-Done." Sure he has other jokes but that's his bread and butter.

Just like Larry, the Panthers understand the passing game is where their success lies. Sure they could run the ball with DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart, but why?

24. Minnesota Vikings

The Vikings seem to have lost their identity as a football team. The team seemed to forget the NFL's best RB still played for them for the first few weeks of the season.

After hearing criticisms for the play calling, the team finally realized they needed to get back to their old ways to succeed. Give the ball to Adrian Peterson and everything will be fine for the Vikings.

Tiger Woods also looked to new methods for his comeback trail. Woods struggled mightily just to even make the cut at major tournaments, just as the Vikings have struggled to get wins.

Woods seems to be getting things on track and so do the Vikings following their first victory.

Oh, and the Vikings win occurred after Adrian Peterson received 25-plus carries. Coincidence?

23. New York Jets

The Jets have had a rough go of it this year. But don't think they're going away quietly. For as few points as the Jets have been putting up recently, their mouths more than make up for it.

Sanchez can't seem to progress as much as players and fans would like, which adds even more pressure to their defense.

Charlie Sheen looked to have a solid year lined up in 2011, until his massive meltdown that was a media circus. The Jets are having a meltdown as well by dropping their past three games.

Maybe Sheen should shoot them a Torpedo of Truth to get the team fired up next week?

22. Atlanta Falcons

The Atlanta Falcons have had their ups and downs this season. They've alternated wins and losses which can best be summed up in one way. The Falcons opened the season in an ugly manner by losing 30-12 to the Chicago Bears but fought back and won the next week against Philadelphia.

One problem with the Falcons is the lack of production of Michael Turner. The Falcons are a run first team yet the team has twice as many pass attempts as runs.

Vin Diesel can share in the identity crisis of the Falcons. Diesel has made millions being an action star, but then he tries to be something he's not. Vin needs to understand he's an action movie star and that's OK. He doesn't need to be a dramatic movie actor.

It's nice to know he can play those roles but just stick to action movies please. And for the Falcons, it's nice to know you can spread the field with Roddy White and Julio Jones, but give the ball to Turner and they'll be surprised at how open their passing game becomes.

21. Seattle Seahawks

The Seahawks have been blown out in a number of games but they seem to have figured things out the past couple of games. The team followed a win over the Cardinals by losing a tight one to the Falcons and then upset the Giants in New York.

Losing Tavaris Jackson is a big blow to the Seahawks offense and it will be interesting to see how the team responds.

Donald Trump is like the Seahawks in a few ways. They've both suffered some blowout losses this year (birth certificate anyone) and every now and then they sprout up in our daily conversations, but for the most part the general public moves on without any care for them.

20. Chicago Bears

The Bears season started off on a promising note, a 30-12 rout of perennial NFC powerhouse Atlanta. But things have gone downhill since then. Jay Cutler can't take a step backwards without having a defender tugging on his jersey and the defense has come unglued.

Chicago fans are growing restless with not only the players, but also with coach Lovie Smith and Jerry Angelo. You guys should've heard some of the fans on local sports radio shows after the Bears Monday night loss to the Lions.

George Bush (the bad one) can sympathize with Angelo and Smith. Throughout his years as president, Bush saw his popularity with the general public plummet.

Just like Bush reassured Americans everything was OK, Angelo has reassured fans he's done everything possible to get the best players on the team.

If Angelo won't even pay the teams best offensive player, what makes you think he paid big money for free agents?

19. Kansas City Chiefs

The Chiefs started off the year in the worst possible way. Not only were they blown out and embarrassed in the first two weeks of the season, but they also lost their playmaker Jamaal Charles for the season. But they've seemed to turn things around after two straight victories.

Demi Lovato had a public meltdown but has her career moving in the right direction after some time off.

18. Cleveland Browns

The Browns have seen the good and the bad this year. The good is Colt McCoy is finally coming into his own as a franchise QB. The bad being the Peyton Hillis situation.

Hillis had a superb 2010 season and is looking to cash in. The Browns are unwilling to pay and the situation is no doubt affecting the teams performance.

I picked James Franco for two reasons. One, he had major success with Planet of the Apes but only after his box office failure of Your Highness. The Browns finally found something to build on with McCoy and Hillis after years of being average.

The other reason is for Franco's role in 127 hours. His character went to drastic measures to survive. If the Browns want their team to survive, give the arm or the leg to Hillis or find someone worth your time.

17. Dallas Cowboys

The Cowboys are America's team. The Kardashians might as well be America's family.

Both have big names for seemingly no reason. None of the Kardashian sisters have provided the world with anything and the Cowboys have yet to offer the NFL anything of note.

An open letter to all Cowboys fans, either stick with Tony Romo or get rid of him. The time for playing both sides of the fence is over.

16. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The Bucs are the youngest team in the NFL and it shows. They've made a lot of mistakes which are highlighted by their 48-3 loss to the 49ers on Sunday.

Paris Hilton is young and makes plenty of mistakes highlighted by a certain film.

15. New York Giants

The New York Giants, specifically Eli Manning are always going to have a lot of attention on them. It goes with the territory of playing in New York. Unfortunately Manning has yet to return to his Super Bowl winning ways.

I mean how do you lose to a Seattle team that's coming from the west coast?

Lil Wayne's new CD has been a big seller but anyone who's listened to it will tell you it's not Wayne's best work. He can do better and so can the Giants.

14. Tennessee Titans

The Titans began the season off mired in a contract dispute with the league's second best RB. They fixed their instability at the QB situation with Matt Hasselbeck and the team seemed to be moving in the right direction before the Steelers shredded the defense.

If you don't recognize the man pictured his name is Reed Hastings. He's the guy who decided to raise the price of Netflix much to the dismay of customers.

He then preceded to do nothing which was followed by the choice to make the DVD by mail service, the thing Netflix was built upon, its' own separate entity. He then apologized for the price increases and subsequently dropped the separation of DVD by mail.

Sounds an awful lot like knowing your customers (the fans) want you to pay your teams only offensive threat but still managing to make the contract dispute into a media failure.

13. Houston Texans

Everyone knows the Houston Texans possess one of the most potent passing attacks in the league. The Matt Schaub-Andre Johnson connection is one of the better one-two combos in the league.

Arian Foster may provide the Texans with another offensive option if he can remain in the line up, but we know Houston will always be a pass first team.

The same is true of Kevin James. When he's in a movie you know he's going to be the lovable big guy who can't keep up with others but we love him because he makes us laugh.

The Texans can try to become a balanced offense but everyone, including their opposition knows that stopping Matt Schaub is always the number one priority.

12. Pittsburgh Steelers

The Steelers age problems are starting to show on defense. The team is composed of guys who are in their prime and guys who are getting a little long in the tooth.

The team needs some of its younger stars to step up and produce not only on defense, but on the offensive side of the ball as well. Rashard Mendenhall has the potential to be great but has had both on and off field issues that have held him back.

Like the Steelers, Jack Nicholson is old. But that doesn't mean their not good at what they do.

Any given day you know the Steelers have the ability to raise the Steel Curtain just as you know Jack-O has the ability to give one of his trademark performances in a film.

11. The Oakland Raiders

The Oakland RRRRRRRRaiders are back. Oakland is almost cracking the top 10 in this weeks power rankings with a smash mouth, in your face style of offense.

Darren McFadden is running wild like Hulkamania in the '80s while Jason Campbell seems to have finally got his groove back in Oakland. Opposing teams know McFadden is going to rush straight at them but that doesn't stop the Raiders from doing it all game long.

Just as Oakland is up front and outspoken about what they're going to do and how they're going to do it, so is Hank Williams Jr.

Recently he made disparaging comments about President Obama along with Fox and ESPN. Hank has his opinions and he doesn't care if you agree or disagree.

Either way he's going to let you know, just as Oakland doesn't care if you've built your whole game-plan about stopping McFadden. Run DMC is still going to get his yards.

10. Cincinnati Bengals

The Cincinnati Bengals are the Bungals no more. Andy Dalton, along with A.J. Green have lead an offensive resurgence to the black and orange faithful.

More importantly the Bengals own one of the games best defenses.

Do you recognize this man? Probably not, but if you heard him talk you would. Harry Shearer is the voice behind America's favorite cartoon family "The Simpsons."

Just as he has had a successful career while remaining fairly anonymous, the Bengals have built a top 10 defense without much recognition.

9. Washington Redskins

The Washington Redskins are in first place in the NFC East. Wait, what?

If not for the Buffalo Bills, the Redskins would be winners for the surprise team of the year. I don't really trust the 'Skins to keep up their pace and they always seem to be one "Rex Grossman Play" away from losing badly.

And Mike Shanahan is always one bad week away from causing a team to implode. Just ask Donovan McNabb.

Eminem has had a very successful music career. I'm not comparing Washington's success with that of Eminem's, but am merely comparing both of their successes could be ruined by their unstable habits.

8. San Diego Chargers

The San Diego Chargers certainly look impressive on offense. Philip Rivers has already thrown for over 1,500 yards and we aren't even halfway through the season.

The problem with the Chargers is they can never carry their success from the regular season to the postseason. They're still searching for a signature win to call their own.

Orlando Bloom is in the same boat as the Chargers. He has the looks but take a glance at the majority of his successful movies. Notice one thing? The more successful movies didn't have Bloom in a feature roll.

7. Baltimore Ravens

The Ravens, like their AFC North counterparts Pittsburgh Steelers, are getting a little old on defense. But that hasn't stopped Ray Lewis and company from having a successful 2011 season.

As long as Joe Flacco and Ray Rice can be half as good as their defense, the Ravens will look to capture another AFC North title.

George Clooney may be a little older but man it seems every year the guy has two-to-three movies that make you say wow. Clooney seems to get better with age, just like Ray Lewis and Ed Reed.

6. San Francisco 49ers

The 49ers are looking to put the NFC West on everyone's map this year. The 49ers not only went on the road and won at Cinci and at Philadelphia, but then highlighted their season with a 48-3 thrashing of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Still you have to wonder if they can keep this up? Can Frank Gore stay healthy? Is Alex Smith still a starting caliber QB?

Ryan Gosling has had a fairly successful 2011 campaign. He's had three movies come out that have produced fairly well at the box office. But can he ride the momentum into bigger and better things in 2012?

5. New Orleans Saints

The New Orleans Saints are still putting up the gaudy numbers every week. The problem is so are their opponents. Teams with prolific offenses like Green Bay and Houston have put up 30 points or better along with the Cam Newton show nearly reaching that mark as well.

Much like Sean Combs, or P Diddy, or Diddy, or whatever his name is at this hour, the New Orleans Saints have a lot of flash and style.

The Saints' aerial attack lead by Drew Brees is as good as they come but the Saints will need to stop other teams offenses as well to succeed. Just like Diddy needs to stop changing his name every year.

4. New England Patriots

The Patriots and Saints are in the same boat. Both are putting up crazy offensive numbers, but so are their opponents.

Patriots fans have to be happy Tom Brady has been putting up the numbers he has because without them New England would be in major trouble. Teams are averaging over 300 YPG through the air.

A lot of people don't care for "The Hoodie" and "The Model." They're the team you love to hate.

LeBron James knows the feeling. The majority of Americans dislike him and the Patriots but they keep putting up monster stats every game.

3. Buffalo Bills

The Buffalo Bills were bad for a very long time. Long considered to be the laughing stock of the AFC East, the Bills have made a thunderous comeback to being relative.

They have their signature win of the season in their comeback victory against the Patriots and will look for Ryan Fitzpatrick's QB skills to grow along with his beard.

Kelly Osbourne started her career in a not so glamorous way. Being on the Osbourne show brought a lot of negative attention to her at such a young age. Her legal troubles are well documented as well.

But now Osbourne has a very successful career and has seemingly turned her life around.

2. Green Bay Packers

The Green Bay Packers have avoided the Super Bowl slump that's plagued many past winners. Instead of slumping, they're destroying their opposition.

Aaron Rodgers has cemented his place as a top three QB with his performance this season. His ability to make fans forget about No. 4 is remarkable.

Daniel Craig knows about filling some big shoes too. Being cast as James Bond means keeping up with some acting greats. Craig not only filled the shoes, he upgraded the style.

Rodgers and his team took only three years to do what Brett Favre did in 15 years.

1. Detroit Lions

The Lions have risen from the ashes of defeat to become the best team in the NFL. Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson are leading the offense while Ndamukong Suh and Kyle Vanden Bosch anchor one of the best defensive lines in the league.

Detroit has literally came back from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs much like Robert Downey Jr.

Downey suffered through numerous drug issues in his career but has recently had a career renaissance with the Iron Man flicks.