Ibrahimovic, Mourinho, and the Strangest Soccer Stories of the Week

Welcome to the first addition of the Water Cooler Chronicles! This will be a weekly column that describes and analyzes not the best, but weirdest stories in all of football.

If you are looking for serious Champions League Predictions or an Arsenal sympathy story, you have come to the wrong place, because this column is all about the quirks and kinks that give the game a little spice.

Not all soccer articles have to keep a straight face, so grab some popcorn and get ready to admire the strangest stories that this unpredictable sport has to offer. 

Zlatan "Bored of Football"

Zlatan Ibrahimovic stated that he is becoming "bored of football" after only 12 professional seasons. 

How bored you might ask?

"It even takes a great deal of effort for me to play football with my kids in the garden—I now leave it to the babysitter."

That bored.

Not exactly what AC Milan wants to be hearing while they rest at 15th in the Italian table. Also not exactly what Zlatan's kids want to be hearing while they aimlessly juggle with the nanny. 

Your Monthly Qatar Update

Are you sick of these updates yet? Too bad because the secretary general of the Qatar 2022 committee simply could not wait to tell you his reaction to the criticism of his controversial campaign. 

He started off his interview by saying, "We did not expect this avalanche of allegations and accusations." Might I ask why not?

He then went on to say "We did put considerable resources into our bidding process. It is not a fact we denied. We put in considerable resources to get our messages heard as loud as the other bidding nations.'' Can you please define considerable resources, Mr. Secretary General?

Finally, he confirmed, "Any fan who wants to enjoy the World Cup with a drink will be able to find a drink.'' What a relief! You can all sleep easy tonight knowing that your multi-thousand mile/dollar journey will be greeted by an overpriced Qatari beverage. Cheers!

4 Seconds of Fame

You may ask why or how there is footage of a 2nd Division Russian League game to the left. 

Well, the fastest goal in FIFA history was scored this week and one lucky Russian was filming it for some reason. Enjoy!

Mourinho Handed a Two Match Ban

The long-awaited decision on Mourinho's infamous gouging has arrived.

The "Special One" will face a special two match ban due to his actions on Barcelona assistant coach Tito Villanova at the end of Real Madrid's defeat in the Supercopa.

If you only get banned for two games for using a medieval war tactic, I am seriously pondering what it takes to get a five match ban. 10 match ban? Full-season? Let your imagination wander my friends. 

Petrov "Agbonlahor in Ronaldo's Bracket"

Yeah, you can keep your jaw open. 

Often you find fans unnecessarily attempting to compare superstar players and determine which one is more effective out on the pitch.

Common comparisons are between Messi-Ronaldo, Rooney-Torres, and Wilshere-Goetze. But for some reason I don't seem to hear the Ronaldo-Agbonlahor debate too often.

Maybe it is because they play different positions, or play in different leagues. Or maybe it is because they simply aren't as equal as Stiliyan Petrov believes they are!

Petrov willingly (Or at least we think willingly) stated yesterday, "People talk about Ronaldo, but when you look at the assets of Gabby, you can put him in the same bracket."

End quote. 

End of this article.

End of the world!