The Postgame Tailgate: Week 3 College Football Awards

With the Emmys on Sunday and college football’s most award-eligible wrap-up column being thrust onto the world around the same time, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to roll out the red carpet for this week’s most deserving college football award winners.

I’d even go as far as arguing that my effort, aside from the show finally welcoming Friday Night Lights, is superior—there will be absolutely no pretending a cover song jubilee is a worthy comedy and no pretending that Kristen Wiig is funny on SNL. Also, Community and Archer exist and yet…cover songs? We just don’t have time for that sort of nonsense.

Ladies and gentleman, your Week 3 Postys.

Best Choreography

LSU’s defense consistently hit all of its marks and then just about every offensive player on Mississippi State’s roster. Defensive coordinator John Chavis was unable to make it to the ceremony, but accepting on his behalf is the shattered psyche of Mississippi State QB Chris Relf.

Supporting Actor—Drama Series

Oklahoma WR Kenny Stills isn’t even the best outside option on his own team, but with the Sooners needing separation after a scoreless third quarter, it was Stills who came down with a big jump ball in the end zone over Florida State’s Greg Reid. Also, he brought that very specific Demolition Man look to Doak Campbell Stadium, which has also netted him the Hairstyling for a Multi-Camera Series Posty. An embarrassment of riches.

Best Reality-Competition Program

Illinois-Arizona State. The game came down to a final drive, featured unpredictable characters (Ron Zook, Vontaze Burfict), and will ultimately be forgotten as it gets lost in the shuffle of other, more important awards.

Best Commercial

Pitbull for Dr. Pepper, as seen throughout Saturday’s action. Read this soda pop invite from Jon Bois and try to not think of it every time the ad comes on. Even Ralph Wiggum thinks it’s unpossible.

Writer—Comedy Series

UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel decided to start Kevin Prince at QB, who can neither run nor pass, two of the more important skills to possess when purportedly a college quarterback. The embattled coach obviously knew something we didn’t about the comic possibilities of the Prince move, as his choice netted three early interceptions and just as many short fields. Comedy is all about timing, and Neuheisel nailed it.

Best Miniseries

Michigan QB Denard Robinson, pro-style trainee. Fun while it lasted, but I’m not exactly sure what 26 rushes for 198 yards against Eastern Michigan says about the major offensive overhaul planned for Michigan and the Nard-Dog. Oh wait, I know exactly it says.

Guest Actor—Drama Series

Florida coach Will Muschamp, who gave a performance for the ages as he tore into two separate referees while upset about four pass interference flags thrown by the refs in the first half of an 11-point Florida win over Tennessee. Muschamp, no stranger to selling emotion on the sideline, filled the screen with a palpable rage only summoned by the most trained actors and slightly unhinged beach house owners.  

Best Music Direction

Stanford coach David Shaw calmly wandered the Arizona sideline and conducted one of the more violent offensive symphonies to play the Tucson area in quite some time. Good enough for some hardware.

Short-Format Nonfiction Programming

USC coach Lane Kiffin deserves credit for keeping the rushing yards to a minimum. Anything more than the two-plus yards per carry from Marc Tyler on Saturday and you start to take attention away from another great Matt Barkley performance through the air. Very shrewd.

Lead Actor—Drama Series

South Carolina RB Marcus Lattimore took the Gamecock Show on his back (37 rushes for 246 yards) and single-handedly pulled his co-stars through a tense game against a Navy team that’s consistently happy to ruin somebody’s day/week/year. If Lattimore isn’t looking dapper on a stage somewhere in December, know now that it’s probably because his back gave out after carrying his team for so long.

Lead Actor—Comedy Series

Wisconsin QB Russell Wilson gets the nod here after engineering another dominant Badger win, this time over Northern Illinois in Chicago. His numbers through three games are laughable—12 yards per attempt and 213.4 QB rating. Baylor’s Robert Griffin III was worthy, but putting up big numbers against Stone Cold Stephen F. Austin on Saturday is a little like taking home one of those Creative Arts Emmys. If nobody sees the ceremony, it doesn’t really count.

There you go—took about two minutes, one commercial and only one Demolition Man reference. Just wait until I’m put in charge of every awards show…

Dan Rubenstein co-hosts The Solid Verbal college football podcast and can be followed on Twitter here.