NFL Predictions Week 1: 3 Things Guaranteed to Make Your Jaw Drop This Weekend

The obvious answer to "Are you ready for some football?" is invariably "Yes." Who in their right mind wouldn't be?

I am here to ask, are you ready to be dumbfounded?

Well, Week 1 is about to supply some moments primed to produce guffaws.

This will be the sweetest opening weekend in recent memory. The threat the season was under from the lockout put undue stress on my NFL fanaticism.

I was then forced to enjoy meaningless preseason games as I savored ever last drop of professional football. I even came close to wearing out my 360 from overly exuberant sessions of Madden 12. 

At last, the season is upon us. If you are anything like me, you revel in the less-lauded moments during the season. The "popcorn-eating incident" far outweighs anything I remember from the past Super Bowl.

It is with that thought that I give you my top three moments that will make you pause this weekend.

1. Monday Night Football falls in love with Tim Tebow

At some point, Tim Tebow will be asked his opinions on the state of the Denver Broncos as he stands with nothing to do on the sidelines.

This is where I will again ask why America is so in love with a backup quarterback. Is anyone asking Brian Scalabrine what he thinks during TV timeouts of Bulls games? Come to think of it, I wonder what ol' Scalabrine is doing these days. 

2. The Ravens and Steelers' combined score will top 20 points

I know what you are thinking, but these teams play pristine football. Anytime someone promises me a pure game of football, I make sure to bring a pillow, my teddy bear and my Superman onesie, because I am taking a nap.

However, the Ravens have a new deep threat and will toss the ball around the field a lot more in Week 1. The usual boring ground game will be sped up, giving us a game that is sure to be far more exciting than a 9-6 final.

Hell, we may even see a game that is closer to 13-10. Now, won't that just blow your head off? 

3. Peyton Manning's neck will prove more interesting than his little brother

God, it must be brutal to be Peyton's little brother. You grow up, make it to the NFL, and it's still not good enough. You win a Super Bowl for the Giants, and you are still not as elite as big bro Peyton. 

The weekend will culminate in the worse diss to ever hit Peyton Manning's little brother. He could go off for five touchdowns, put on a clown suit in the end zone and give his best 40-minute set of famous impressions, and we will still want to know what is up with Peyton's neck.

Poor Peyton Manning's brother...