Shaquille O'Neal: 32 Worst Post-NBA Career Life Decisions Shaq Should Avoid

Now that Shaquille O'Neal has officially retired from the NBA, he's going to have to get creative about how he fills his time.

There have already been some suggestions that he should join the television ranks sooner rather than later, but that seems a little too bland for the big man.

We're not sure what his next step is from here, but here are 32 suggestions for him to avoid as he enters the next phase of his life.

32. MMA

Although O'Neal has had some MMA training, we wouldn't want to see him go down in a heap like what happened to his pal Kimbo Slice.

The big tree falls hard, and Shaq probably wouldn't be able to rely on just his strength to succeed.

31. Make Another Kazaam

Kazaam was one of my favorite childhood movies, but it certainly wasn't because of the acting.

I'm not sure which offense is more egregious: a seven-footer playing a genie or the dangling hoop earring that he was wearing in the first one.

30. Launch Another Rap Song

Shaq's rap skills really aren't all that poor, but he'd do himself a favor by distancing himself from the hip-hop scene.

Remember when he asked Kobe Bryant how his backside tasted? That kind of came back to burn him.

29. Join ESPN

Shaq has way too much personality to join the ESPN show, as his unique comedic arsenal would be much better served in a different role.

Couldn't you just imagine him sitting alongside Charles Barkley on TNT? Now that's a pregame show I definitely wouldn't miss.

28. Get into Law Enforcement

Shaq has dabbled in law enforcement previously, but he'd be wise to stay out of this realm as well.

He's certainly an imposing figure, but he's going to need an awful lot of training if he wants to get serious about this avenue of pursuit.

27. Become a Coach

At his retirement presser, O'Neal was fairly adamant that he wouldn't go into coaching.

Shaq said that if he had to deal with a player like himself, he'd really have a tough time managing the team, and it's tough to blame him if he chooses to stay away from an NBA bench.

26. Become a General Manager

Shaq certainly has the personality to deal with the media frenzy that he would face if he were running a team, but it's hard to imagine that the big man has a legitimate interest in doing that.

It's hard to imagine how he'd build a team if he were placed at the helm of controls, but I'd certainly be interested in taking a gander at the roster.

25. Invest in a Vegas Nightclub

With all of the negative associations between NBA players and Vegas nightclubs, it's probably a better idea if Shaq just stayed away from the scene.

But what would he do with all of those fresh suits he's got in the closet? He's going to have to get awfully creative.

24. Reality Show Host

Make no mistake about it: If Shaq wants to have his own reality show, that's one thing, but to serve as the host for one? That's entirely another entity.

Could you picture what he'd look like as the new host of Survivor?

23. Play Semi-Pro Basketball

It's looking pretty doubtful that he'd ever pursue a Dennis Rodman type of comeback in a semi-pro league, but wouldn't that be something special for the audience in attendance?

Hopefully we don't see O'Neal playing professional basketball on any stage unless he decides to make an NBA comeback.

22. Underwear Model

There are just some things that guys over seven feet shouldn't ever consider doing.

Could you imagine the Shaqtus on the next pair of boxers that you buy? Maybe he would do better selling briefs. It's tough to fathom the thought.

21. Blogger

Shaq always had juicy quotes for the media members in every season he played, so what would writers do if he decided to enter the blogosphere?

There's no doubt that he'd certainly attract quite an audience, but his journalistic style may be critiqued by some picky rhetoric experts.

20. Hang Out with Brett Favre

Hanging out with Brett Favre would only spark the rumors that Shaq was planning a comeback.

I think it's fairly safe to say that The Diesel is done in the NBA, but as for No. 4 in the NFL? I can't confidently say the same about him.

19. Competitive Eater

The only reason that Shaq shouldn't enter competitive eating is because he's already larger than life.

What would he have to gain—besides extra weight—by doing something like this? Nothing.

18. Spelling Bee Host

Couldn't you just picture Shaq using the word "infinitesimal " in a sentence to one of the pint-sized applicants?

I could see it now..."I had an infinitesimal chance of getting back on the court with my Achilles injury for the Celtics this season."

17. Backup Justin Bieber Dancer

He's already graced the stage with Bieber, but that doesn't mean he should make it a regular habit.

Granted, it would be nice to see someone in the pop music spotlight who isn't wearing "skinny" jeans, but O'Neal certainly doesn't want to dive into those uncharted waters.

16. NASCAR Driver

Just imagining Shaq entering and exiting a race car through the window is enough to make anyone chuckle relentlessly.

Even if he managed to pull that feat off flawlessly, how could there possibly enough room in there for his long legs?

15. Pro Handball Player

We saw Jake Plummer retire from his post as NFL quarterback to pursue a professional handball career, so could The Big 401K pull a similar move?

It's unlikely considering his recent history of injuries, but if anyone can overpower Plummer on the handball court, it's undoubtedly Mr. O'Neal.

14. Globetrotters

The Globetrotters do some of the most amazing things with a basketball that I've ever seen, so I have a hard time picturing how Shaq would fit in with the club.

This is one return to the game of basketball that O'Neal would be wise to cross off his list early.

13. Politics

There's no doubt in my mind that O'Neal would be a serious candidate to gain traction if he pursued a career in politics, but I highly doubt he wants to do that.

For a man that's lived the majority of his life in the public spotlight, he may very well be happier taking the more clandestine approach for the foreseeable future.

12. Launch a Clothing Line

When I was eight years old and dominating my little league hoops squad, I was all about the Shaq shoe and made sure that they were cleaned perfectly before every contest.

But if Shaq thinks he's going to pull off something like Rocawear or Sean John, he might want to re-evaluate the plan of attack.

11. Professional Pimpin'

This one might sound a little weird at first, but if the Richard Seigler case taught us anything, it's to not look past any of the possibilities.

Granted, this one is the most unlikely of anything on the list, but it warrants mentioning considering that we've already seen it happen once in the NFL.

10. Dancing with the Stars

Shaq blew the crowd away at the All-Star game with the Phoenix Suns when he dawned the JabbaWockeeZ mask and let loose on stage.

However, Dancing with the Stars is a far departure from the style that he showcased, and he may be better off sticking with the attack behind the mask.

9. Spokesman for Smart Car

It's extraordinary that the big man was able to fit in a Smart Car for this picture, but he'd be wise to not make it a regular habit.

Even if I saw his mug on television pitching the greatness of the whip, I'd have a tough time believing that he was passionate about what he was plugging.

8. Join PGA Tour

His golf swing doesn't look as funny as Charles Barkley's, but it most definitely doesn't belong on any instructional videos in the near future.

The PGA Tour could definitely use some more comedic characters, but they have to have the golf game to back it up.

7. Professional Wrestler

Although O'Neal has already dabbled in some wrestling antics previously, now that he's retired it would be wise to avoid any confrontation in the ring.

After enjoying so many prolific NBA seasons, Shaq might just want to relax for the first time in a long while.

6. Biggest Loser Trainer

The Biggest Loser is a phenomenal television program that documents extraordinary weight loss of highly motivated people and should serve as an inspiration to all.

But if the contestants had Shaq as the trainer, it's hard to imagine that they'd have as much motivation as they currently do under the program's current format.

5. Boston Pops Conductor

Conductors are typically quiet, meticulous and have a keen understanding of classical composition.

If that doesn't describe Shaq, I'm not sure what adjectives adequately could.

And if you can't tell I'm kidding by now, then my sardonic humor is clearly being wasted here.

4. Practice Free Throws

The majority of NBA fans are certainly glad that they'll never have to watch Shaq struggle at the free-throw line ever again, but they might not be the most jubilant bunch.

For all of the practice time and the lack of results that O'Neal received throughout his NBA tenure, he should be thrilled that he never has to concentrate on that facet of his game again.

3. Eat Vaseline

Does anyone remember when Stephon Marbury broadcast himself and decided to munch on some Vaseline?

If it's something that you somehow missed, I suggest checking it out on YouTube immediately, but it certainly isn't for the faint of heart.

2. Cross-Dress

I never thought I'd see an NBA player cross-dress in a scarier manner than the infamous Dennis Rodman, but Shaq certainly looks interesting in this picture, doesn't he?

I don't think that he's likely to pursue this avenue too often, but if he ever did make it a regular habit, it would certainly be must-see TV.

1. Jockey

This is not only the best picture in the slideshow—this is the one that I really want to see happen.

From his perspective, it would be a terrible mistake to think that he could enjoy the same success as the professionals that are much, much smaller than he is.

But from an entertainment standpoint, there might not be a more watched horse race in the recent history of the sport if Shaq was coming out of the gate riding a winner.