NFL Superlatives: The 2010-2011 NFL Season That Was
'Tis the season for graduation! Unfortunately in the NFL right now, all news is bad news with no end in sight. Instead of dwelling, let's ignore the lockout and honor the grad in your life in a way that brings back the painful memories of high school! Cue the defamation lawsuits!
Honoring the Standout Players in the Most Important Categories Including Most Popular, Best Dressed and Biggest Bad Boy...
Best Eyes: Wes Welker, New England Patriots
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Wes Welker was vying for class clown when he gave his famous foot-themed press conference during the playoffs.
Unfortunately, Bill Belichick isn't known for his sense of humor so the Wes Welker comedy tour ended the day it began and, in true Patriots fashion, he has since called Rex Ryan and apologized, ruining the joke.
Thankfully, there's no reason to believe that Belichick will crack down on the Patriots' obvious key to success' dreamy baby-blue eyes.
Runner Up: Johnny Knox, Chicago Bears
Class Clown: Jared Allen, Minnesota Vikings
2 of 21Jared Allen is as funny as he is fierce (in a football way, not a Project Runway...way). From his Twitter page (jaredallen69) to his various mullet-themed endeavors, such as the "Golden Mullet Awards," to his sometimes talk show "Mullet Over" with Jared Allen this guy is a comedic force to be reckoned with. That is, unless you're some kind of un-American commie who doesn't like mullet humor.
Runner Up: Rex Ryan, New York Jets
Most Photogenic: Jason Taylor, Free Agent
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Taylor, who was released by the Jets in March 2011, has been bringing the heat to NFL promotional shoots and magazine spreads since 1997. His age and an inevitable downturn in his play means we might not see him in an NFL uniform next year but here's hoping we still see him.
Runner Up: Brady Quinn, Denver Broncos
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Biggest Instigator: Cortland Finnegan, Tennessee Titans
4 of 21It's hard to believe that this Pauly D look-a-like and all-around adorable little scamp can wreak such havoc on the field. He's made a name for himself by taking on some of the top receivers in the league, like fellow agitator Hines Ward and usual all around good-guy Andre Johnson. In the game against Tennessee, Finnegan ended up getting himself and Johnson ejected, which isn't a bad strategy since he did get the better player off the field. Yes, Finnegan can rile even the coolest of cucumbers.
Runner Up: Randy Moss, Free Agent
Best Smile: Cam Newton, Carolina Panthers
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NFL freshman Cam Newton has got to be feeling a little crushed under the heavy load of high expectations and constant doubts voiced by the media, but you'd never know it when he flashes his (likely) $60 million smile.
Let's hope with his off-the-field issues and the fact that he was drafted by Panthers, he still has something to smile about at the end of the 2011 season. Sure, he might have to give up the Heisman, but the NCAA can't take away his teeth...right?
Runner Up: Miles Austin, Dallas Cowboys
Most Talented: DeSean Jackson, Philadelphia Eagles
6 of 21It's true that the career highlight play he made against the Giants late in the 2010 season says just as much about the Giants habit of phoning it in as it does about Jackson himself.
That being said, when DeSean Jackson is healthy, there's probably not a more exciting player to watch week-to-week in the NFL. He and Vick are a lethal combination that could finally bring a Super Bowl championship to the city that once booed Santa Claus.
Runner Up: Aaron Rogers, Green Bay Packers
Worst Driver: Albert Haynesworth, Washington Redskins?
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You might be asking yourself—didn't Donte' Stallworth's bad driving literally kill someone last year? Well in Stallworth's defense, at least it was his first offense. Haynesworth is a repeat offender with no fewer than four alleged vehicle-related crimes/offenses in recent years.
In 2006 he was involved in a traffic incident, but charges were dropped on a technicality. In 2008 he was caught going 103 mph in a 70-mph zone and then, four days after pleading guilty to that, involved in an a serious accident that left the other driver paralyzed. And then in 2011, he was charged with simple assault after throwing a punch at another driver during a bout of road rage. On a positive note, he didn't sexually assault anyone during any of these incidents.
In October 2010, Haynesworth's half-brother was killed when his speeding motorcycle collided with a car pulling out of a parking lot. Apparently even the tragic death of his own brother can't change his ways.
Runner Up: Mike Williams, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Most Popular: Tim Tebow, Denver Broncos
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Just like the most popular guy in your high school, he's the guy you always wanted to date but then he showed up 40 pounds overweight to your 10-year reunion. While discussing his promotion at the gas station over paper cups of cheap rum punch, he suddenly finds you irresistible but, alas, the myth is dead. But for now, he's cute and he's got the whole team leader/quarterback act down-pat-- too bad he's unlikely to back it up with any real NFL success.
Runner Up: Mark Sanchez, New York Jets
Favorite Teacher: Mike Tomlin, Pittsburgh Steelers
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Mike Tomlin is like Rex Ryan but with a Super Bowl ring and without the patented Ryan sass-mouth and gratuitous courting of the media. It's not surprising that the understated Tomlin ranks among the top coaches that NFL players want to play for. He's unflappable, disciplined, funny, and most importantly, he has the respect of his players. He can play the role disciplinarian and friend without blurring the line.
Runner Up: Mike Smith, Atlanta Falcons
Biggest Nice Guy: Ndamukong Suh, Detroit Lions
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A finalist for Rookie of the Year, Ndamukong Suh, a self-professed "fun loving teddy bear", is already a force to be reckoned with on the field; striking fear in the hearts of the most seasoned NFL quarterbacks.
This former first-round draft pick could have come into Detroit with a chip on his shoulder after being passed over for Sam Bradford, instead he says he couldn't be happier with his coaches, his team and his new city. Before a single game was played, Suh donated $2.6 million to the University of Nebraska, his alma mater, funding everything from athletics to academic scholarships.
Suh recorded his first career interception from the man who was picked ahead of him, and for the first time in years, the Lions of a team with legit franchise players on each side of the ball. I think the kid will be alright.
Runner Up: Madieu Williams, Minnesota Vikings
Best Nickname: Matt Ryan Is Matty Ice! Atlanta Falcons
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Matt Ryan. A man defined by his All American image—frat boy, good looks and an "aw shucks" demeanor that makes it impossible to hate the guy. Think, Tom Brady, without the smug demeanor and backhanded compliments. Also, the dude can play.
He's emerging as a legitimate star QB and was ordained with a nickname that not only embodies his reputation for staying cool under pressure, but the beer that defines the All-American Collegiate Culture: Matty Ice.
Runner Up: BenJarvus Green-Ellis is The Law Firm! New England Patriots
Most Dependable: Antonio Gates, San Diego Chargers
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On a team that has been declining in talent over the last few years, Antonio Gates remains a top-tier receiving threat for Philip Rivers—in fact, Gates is so good that in 2010, the Chargers management and coaching staff decided that he was the only receiver they needed. Maybe that wasn't the best idea but the Charges aren't known for smart personnel decisions.
At 31, Gates is going to head downhill in his overall production, but as the Chargers' "one-man band," he'll likely remain one of the top tight ends in the game for a few more years.
Runner Up: Tom Brady, New England Patriots
Best Hair: Clay Matthews, Green Bay Packers & Troy Polamalu, Pittsburgh Steelers
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These guys are locked in a (perhaps one-sided and created by Matthews) rivalry for the title of best hair in the NFL. Their manes met in Super Bowl XLV and while Matthews' emerged victorious, Polamalu's glorious locks refuse to concede.
So whether you like blonds or brunettes, you're covered.
Most Talkative: Rex Ryan, New York Jets
14 of 21Love him or hate him (because I know you don't have lukewarm feelings about him), Rex Ryan has the biggest mouth in professional sports today. From his inspired performance on last summer's Hard Knox, where he treated the audience to new and inventive uses for the f-word, to his continued guarantee of Super Bowl victories, Ryan knows how to put on a show.
Now let's go eat a snack!
Runner Up: Chad (formerly known as Ochocinco) Johnson, (formerly of) Cincinnati Bengals
Best Dressed: Dhani Jones, Cincinnati Bengals
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This one was tough, Neon Deion is retired, plus the NFL is stacked with men who know how to dress to impress and, frankly, something like this comes down to personal taste. I like a man in a suit as much as the next girl, but Dhani Jones' "bow-tie revolution" is a nice change from the three-piece Gucci suits favored by more ostentatious players (looking at you, player formerly known as Ochocinco).
Runner Up: Larry Fitzgerald, Arizona Cardinals
Best Undressed: Adrian Peterson, Minnesota Vikings
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The only place Adrian Peterson looks better than running through d-linemen on the field is shirtless on the cover of absolutely any publication. I've never been mistaken for Isaac Newton before, but that's about to change, because I just made a monumental mathematical discovery that's going to blow your mind:
Walter Payton + Taye Diggs = A.P.
Boom.
Runner Up: Reggie Bush, New Orleans Saints
Biggest Bad Boy: Ray Lewis, Baltimore Ravens
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Don't let this guy fool you; he wasn't always the contemplative elder statesman that you see today in interviews.
A decade ago, before he became the kooky spokesman for Old Spice, Ray Lewis was implicated in two murders following a Super Bowl party in Atlanta. Ray Lewis was indicted on charges of murder, aggravated assault and lying to the police. The rest, as they say, is history.
Lewis cut a deal to testify against his friends, but witnesses bowed out and his friends were ultimately acquitted. Eventually he was fined by the NFL and settled civil suits out of court with murder victim's families. Ray Lewis will hold this title until his retirement unless someone steps up.
Runner-Up: James Harrison, Pittsburgh Steelers
Brainiest: Ryan Fitzpatrick, Buffalo Bills
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It's probably a cop-out to pick Fitzpatrick as "brainiest" just because he went to Harvard, but he did...well...go to Harvard. Where did YOU go to school, complainers?
Runner Up: Peyton Manning, Indianapolis Colts
Biggest Flirt: Brett Favre, Retired
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Sure, we can debate about what constitutes "flirting" versus "assault" all day, but in Favre's mind you'll find a low-res photo of his junk next to the definition in Webster's Dictionary.
Whether leaving late-night voicemails on Jenn Sterger's phone or leaving her messages on—MySpace (really, middle-aged Brett Favre?), you can argue about how effective Favre's "flirting" has been, but not his balls-out dedication. Literally (sort of).
His weirdo, sexual antics have fit nicely into the downward trajectory at the end of his career.
Running Up: Ben Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh Steelers
Most Changed for the Better: Michael Vick, Philadelphia Eagles
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This is pretty obvious. I guess after personally squeezing the life out of countless dogs that failed to impress him in his dog-fighting operation, Vick didn't have anywhere to go but up.
The Vick family actually boasts another bad seed in brother Marcus—so Michael has a lot of work to do and perhaps it's too early to know if he's seriously trying to be a "better person," but right now, he's saying and doing all the right things. Like winning and not killing dogs.
Runner-Up: This one was unanimous
And That Folks, Was the NFL Season (in Superlatives) That Was!
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Think I got it all wrong? School me by leaving YOUR superlatives in the comments section.
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