Barcelona Issues? Read Real Madrid Manager Jose Mourinho's 5 Steps to Success
A month ago, the world looked forward to a flood of Clasicos with the eager anticipation of a high-school nerd opening his first X-rated DVD. When they finally came, they were more trick than treat, more Greece vs. Italy than Argentina vs. Brazil, more Ron Jeremy than Jenna Jameson.
What I mean to say is that they were still attractive to some people, the people in question being victims of an accident that caused their brains and kidneys to exchange positions.
With all the conspiracy theories making the rounds, it is quite surprising that no one has suggested that Tylenol may be Real Madrid's sponsor in absentia. Because it is fairly certain that Tylenol shattered all sales records well before halftime on Tuesday.
But while Jose Mourinho's antics proved ultimately unsuccessful, everyone learned a few valuable lessons about how to prepare for a game against Barcelona. If Mourinho were to consider quitting and publishing an autobiography like some second-rate managers would do, we like to think this is how it would read...
Edit: In light of the giant firestorm of angry comments on all articles that dare to mention the Clasicos, I found it necessary to clarify that I am a Manchester United fan just looking to provide a few laughs in a world where hatred seems like a pre-requisite to be a football fan. No offense is intended to either club (although if I could turn time back, I'd definitely want those six hours of my life back), I was just so tired of all the anger being thrown about that I'm just trying to bring a few smiles back. Read on then, and enter a world of Jose's mind...
Chapter 1: Preparation, Preparation, Allegation
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Hello everyone, welcome to my guide on everything Barcelona. I am a two-time European champion and excuse me, but I think I am a Special One. I also think Marco Materazzi, who won the Champions League with me last season, is a special one: but that has more to do with him finally learning the alphabet at the age of 37.
When we faced Barcelona four times within a month, I had a great chance to put these steps to good use. Unfortunately, as soon as I trusted other people to do anything, things started to go wrong.
However, everything was going according to plan at the first step. So instead of explaining it, I decided to just print the relevant page from my diary (which I call the "Special Diary"):
"Dear Diary
Just played Barcelona at home today. My prostate is so engorged that I will not even fit into the Camp Nou next week. Never mind, I will watch the match from the hotel and use my absence as another reason to take pot shots at UEFA and the referees.
Cristiano Ronaldo came into my office yesterday. He looked like he had been crying; there were mascara streaks down his cheeks. Poor boy, the club pays him only €300,000 a week, so he cannot even buy waterproof makeup.
He said Pepe had used a racial slur against him. When I confronted Pepe he seemed genuinely shocked, as though I had accused him of repeatedly kicking an opponent who was lying face-down on the ground...wait a second, bad example.
Pepe said he only called Cristiano a pretty Portuguese...err...woman of the night. After I explained to Cristiano that since he was Portuguese, the insult was not racial, he seemed much happier.
But that racial slur thing gave me an idea. I told my errand boy (I think his name is Aitor Crankshaft or something) to tell the press that Sergio Busquets called Marcelo Vieira a monkey. They will definitely believe it—we are talking about Sergio Busquets, after all.
"
Chapter 2: The International Olympic Committee Invites You...
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At this stage, the mind games have begun. Now we need to disrupt the Barcelona team more directly. How to do this, you may ask? Well, let the Special One show you.
What is the easiest way to get Dani Alves, Sergio Busquets and Pedro Rodriguez out of the match next week? No, not by setting their houses on fire when they are asleep—although the thought is quite tempting. No, the best way is to organize a synchronized diving competition elsewhere during the match, of course!
If you so wish, you could go the extra step of mailing them individual invitations as representatives of their respective nations. The only drawback here is that Pedro seems to be five or six years short of puberty, while Alves looks and behaves about as literate as a flock of geese.
Chapter 3: It's Called a Soul Patch for a Reason
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You all know the tale of Samson and Delilah, right? You know, where Samson loved Delilah and for all his trouble, he had his flowing locks of hair (and source of his superhuman strength) brutally cut by Delilah while he slept. Yes, that one.
Well, I have a theory (which I call, as you may guess, the "Special Theory") that every Spanish footballer can similarly be relieved of his skills. Fernando Torres was the easiest because his power was in his blond cascading hair.
As for David Villa, my guess (which you may call the "Special Guess") is that he did a deal with the devil, trading in his soul for deadly finishing ability. But as part of the deal, Villa was forever cursed to sport a patch of Satan's happy trail under his lower lip.
If Villa is freed of this soul patch, he can be a free man again.
Note: My errand boy went in with a razor and failed. He suggested using a chainsaw, lawnmower or flamethrower next time. Any damage to Villa's face will be regrettable, but collateral damage is always possible.
Chapter 4: No Messi, No Mess-Up
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This part of the plan is quite simple. Who is Barcelona's best player? Leo Messi, of course. Without their best player, Barcelona become as ordinary as any other team.
So on game day, I will simply tell my errand boy to go to Lionel Messi's house. He will break into each of Messi's cars and steal the child-safety seats from all of them. As he has outgrown his stroller, Messi cannot get anyone to push him to the stadium either.
See the brilliance, my friends?
Chapter 5: Blatter Receives a Call
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This last step depends on how well you know the Big Boss in London. The one who brought Shevchenko to London in a helicopter. The same Big Boss who brought Fernando to London, also in a helicopter I believe; this time I was not there. Same Big Boss who made one phone call to Sepp Blatter's bank and the next day, World Cup 2018 went to Russia.
If you know him, you can ask him to make another call to Blatter. All of a sudden, racism will become a big deal in football again, and Barcelona will be expelled from all FIFA (and member) competitions.
Note: Dealing with Big Boss must only be a last resort. Also, you should know that if you dial "6" instead of "9" by mistake, the recipient is a former KGB assassin.
In Conclusion...
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Well, that's it my friends. It is always a pleasure to help managers who are not as special as I am.
The only remaining thing is for me to warn you about Carles Puyol. Please ensure that no one approaches him without the supervision of his trainer, lest he mistake you for a female of his species and attempt to mount and mate with you.
Good luck!
Disclaimer: Bleacher Report knows nothing of binding contracts that require David Villa to sport Satan's pubic hair on his chin. We also believe that the rumour about London-based billionaires contacting FIFA regarding the Russian World Cup bid is quite ludicrous. Bleacher Report possesses ABSOLUTELY NO KNOWLEDGE about any assassins working on behalf of President Putin and refuses to believe that the glorious Russian Federation would stoop to such violent and underhand tactics...can I please have my family back now?
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