A Preview Of Wednesday Night's Debate: Part I

It's mid-October. The trees have turned color, the air is crisper (unless you live in Hawai'i or San Diego). The nation intently follows any coverage they can get in anticipation of what has been called the most important result in generations: the debut of the 2008 BCS standings.

Ok, maybe not. But on Wednesday night, tens of millions of viewers will be watching the last Presidential Debate of this election cycle during commercials in the Phillies-Dodgers game.

Here is a preview of what could take place that evening:

Moderator: Welcome to the third and final debate. Since the last debate failed miserably at providing any responses that could be possibly construed as enlightening, or even genuine, this evening's format has been changed. It will have more of a town hall format, meaning that not only will questions be taken from the audience, but from panels of experts as well.

The topics for this debate will be issues that are truly pressing, as well as on others that are equally important, but have received little attention on the campaign trail.

Please refrain from talking, applauding, or otherwise distracting from the gravity of the debate...expect now, as we welcome the candidates for President of the United States: Senators Barack Obama and John McCain...Hey! No cowbells are permitted in the debate hall!

(Cowbells are confiscated by large men in black suits who look like PacMan Jones' bodyguard)

Moderator: Before I introduce our first panel, let's take the first question. There, in section D, please state your name and your question.

Man: Thank you. My name is Latrell, and I have the following question for both candidates. I'm really feeling the economic effects of this downturn. I can barely feed my family. When I think of the injustice, I get so mad, I just feel like choking...

Obama: Thank you for the question. Many Americans also feel the pain that this man feels. I will restore hope in this country. Latrell, you will be one of the 95% of Americans that will be receiving a tax cut. And through increased education

McCain: My friends, this man is one of many in America who are taking the brunt of this economic crisis. But we must have faith in the economy. The true strength of America is the everyday worker like Latrell. I will be extending the current tax cuts, which help even the lowliest live the American Dream to its fullest. My opponent wants to raise taxes on everyone making over $200,000 per year, undercutting the creators of this country, the small business...

Man: Wait, you mean my taxes will actually be increased? Sen. Obama, please explain this blatent discrepancy.

Obama: Now, John, you know that's not true...Latrell, have you made $200,000 total in your entire working life up to now?

Man: Well, I kinda messed up turning down that $21,000,000 contract...

(Confused shouting on all sides)

Moderator (flustered): Well, it's time to welcome our first panel, which will discuss environmental...Please respect the dignity of this forum! No thunder-sticks, please.

Proceeding to the first question, from a resident of Reno, Nevada, Alphie. The question is: "Sen. McCain's vice-president has been rumored to support the killing of wolves to help grow the moose population. How would you protect America's natural habitats, and its flora and fauna?"

Sen. Obama: Well, let me assure you, Alphie, that an Obama administration will never allow this, especially in the lower 48 states. Young wolves, such as Wolfie, Jr., are critical to the ecosystem, and must be protected."

The Mountaineer (Morgantown): Sen. McCain, as a supporter of the second Amendment, surely you know that hunters have a right to use guns for their survival...

Oski (Berkeley): Hey, it's hunters like you that made Golden Bears extinct. Survival, huh?

Bruiser (Waco): At Baylor, we have two bears, so what happened, couldn't adapt quickly enough?

Pete the Penguin (Youngstown): What about global warming? Arctic habitats are disappearing at an alarming rate.

Monte (Missoula, Montana): I guess all the polar bears will evolve back into the best species, the Grizzly.

Oski: Come on, you're not even Division I.

Yosef (Boone, North Carolina): That's NCAA Division I Championship Subdivision to you, Mr.-I-Haven't-Won-A-Championship-Since-the-Coolidge-Administration!

Oski: Can you drink beer though your eye? I thought not!
(To Be Continued...)