B/R Football Dictionary for Dummies

Most of y'all have been here a while and understand the lingo that Bleacher Creatures use. Some of them are common, but some football fans need a little help in deciphering the more intricate vocabulary of football.

Here is the first official Bleacher Creature Football for Dummies, vol. 1.

Kicker: The guy on the team who couldn't make the soccer team. Also known as a head case.

Wide Receiver: The guy who makes wimpy blocks, catches the balls he shouldn't, and drops the ones he should. Future NFL analyst who has no taste in clothing.

Quarterback: A player who gets all the chicks, no matter how ugly he is. The guy who always breaks the finger on his throwing hand.

Running back: The runner who the fullback makes look good with tremendous blocks.

Safety: the guy who everybody blames when a wide receiver makes one of those catches he shouldn't have made.

Linebacker: A defensive player who is legally allowed to kill people on the field.

Spread formation: Unstoppable. Also what desperate housewives do to get their husbands away from the TV during football season.

WCO: West Coast Offense—an offensive scheme that involves short, precise passes usually based on timing or under routes. Used a lot in two minute drills against the prevent.

Prevent: The defensive formation of three down linemen, with the rest covering the long ball. A D that will prevent you from winning the game because the O will be running a WCO.

Stacking the box: When your DBs and safety join the linebackers in the box area behind the line for a party to see who can tear the running back from limb-to-limb first. What quarterbacks love to see when they have called a fly route in the huddle.

Punt: Failure.

Interception: What DBs do to embarrass quarterbacks they can't sack on a blitz.

Flea-flicker: A trick passing play that will cause the coach to either look brilliant or stupid, depending on whether or not the receiver makes a catch he shouldn't. Potential bench-warming duties for the safety.

Sweep: A running play where the running back runs 10 yards to gain two yards.

Reverse: A trick play that rarely works, except in the WAC.

Double-reverse: The play that usually precedes a punt.

Statue of Liberty: A trick play that never works unless you are playing a high school varsity team or Oklahoma in the Fiesta Bowl.

Blast: A boring running play that results in a massive collision at the line of scrimmage and a few torn ACLs.

Off-tackle: A fancy word for a diagonal blast.

Cheerleaders: What fans look at when a team runs a lot of blast plays.

Yell leaders: Those boring guys your mom wants you to date. Future insurance salesman or accountant.

Mascots: A way to contain a drunk student in a plush costume so he can't do any damage in the stands.

Sportscaster: A former football player or coach who can't get a real job in the real world. A place where Ticonderoga pencil salesmen go when they can't unload their stash.

Analyst: A fancy name for someone who doesn't know anything but gets paid a bunch to be right 50 percent of the time. A professional guesser.

"Not so fast, my friend": Loose translation means, "You're an idiot."

Defensive Coordinator: An assistant coach who gets blamed for a 59-0 rout.

Offensive Coordinator: An assistant coach who gets promoted for a 59-0 rout.

Marching Band: A place where having zits is a prerequisite for membership.

Penalty: What Pac-10 refs call to make sure a non Pac-10 team loses. Also known as a flag, hankie, or bull****.

Zebras: The three blind mice on the field who referee the game.

Time management: A nice way to say the coach can't add or subtract 20 or 30 seconds at a time.

Out-schemed: A nice way to say a coach can't coach against inferior teams. Derivatives: schooled, embarrassed, or beat down.

Touchdown: Something Florida International has finally experienced this year.

NCAA: Another word for Big Brother.

Freeze the kicker: A way to use all of your timeouts so when you lose the game, you won't be blamed for not using all of your timeouts. A way to give Dr. Phil more cred than he deserves.

Onside kick: A play that never turns out good for the team you are rooting for. Never.

Half-time: A 30-minute rest sponsored by breweries. Also, the only time the tuba player gets some exercise.

FCS: Football Cupcake Schedule.

FBS: Football Beef Schedule.

BCS: Bowl n' Cash for Schools.