Toomer's Corner Tree Killing: How Auburn (and Everyone Else) is Overreacting

You know, I'm really sorry that a kook injected a lethal dose of herbicide into the soil around the Toomer's Corner oaks in Auburn. Really, I am. It was dumb and stupid. And I'm glad they have apparently caught the guy who did it.

But listening to the reaction of various officials and fans has driven me almost to the point of defending the bozo who did this deed. From the way everyone is reacting, you'd think he bombed the Student Union building at lunchtime.

Stephen Enloe, an assistant professor of agronomy and soil at Auburn, held a news conference where he told us, “Spike 80 is an herbicide that is usually used for total vegetation control...It's very good at what it does and that is kill all plants. This herbicide is really active on plants that are actively growing.”

Professor Enloe went on to say that as spring approaches the trees will begin to take up more of the herbicide, causing leaves to yellow and then fall off. This “death cycle” could repeat itself several times, Enloe said. And then we are told by the reporter on the scene, that he said this while choking back tears.

Now, you know what? I hate that those old oaks are going to die. And I'm really sorry that some stupid Alabama fan did this. But...we're talking about TREES! Not even a grove of trees but just TWO TREES! Is all the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth really appropriate in light of the reality here?

I suggest somebody hold a news conference to remind everybody in Auburn (and elsewhere) of a couple of things, just to inject a dose of reality into our collective grief: Trees can be regrown. Trees can be transplanted.

In fact, I betcha Auburn agronomists can find some oaks that look just about identical to the ones that are dying on Toomer's Corner now, and put them right there in the same spots. And I bet they would be just as good at catching toilet paper as the old ones—heck, they might even be better! And I even bet they could do this in the middle of the night when everyone was sleeping and nobody would be the wiser.

In other words, THIS CAN BE FIXED.

It's not as if the guy strangled two cheerleaders or beat up a couple third-string players. He didn't mug anybody. He didn't burn down any buildings. He put a strong herbicide into the soil around two trees. So make him pay for the clean-up and transplanting. Make him stand in the middle of the intersection dressed in an orange and blue tu-tu and sing the Auburn fight song. Make him say "War Eagle!" 100 times at the next pep rally.

But don't make him out to be a mass murderer or a terrorist—that only confirms his insane idea that he could make up for Alabama's loss in the Iron Bowl by killing two oak tress in Auburn (as if the two are equivalent—and they aren't, just ask any fan of either school).

The proper response would have been to ridicule his stupidity, make him pay full restitution to replace the trees and devote yourself to beating Alabama every year till Jesus comes.

But when you start tearing up over a couple of oak trees, it only makes the rest of us wonder which one of you needs help the most.