Fedor Emelianenko: The 10 Best Photos Of "The Last Emperor" On The Internet
Remember when you were a little kid and you would refuse to sleep in your own room in the middle of the night, because you were afraid that a monster would arise from underneath the bed and eat you?
Well, I never did that because I’m not a candy-ass chump, but I have heard that children tend to react that way in regards to sleeping alone when they are around the age of five or six years old.
I didn’t have that problem when I was a young toddler, because I was up all night spanking Cindy Crawford in her prime, so I didn’t have time to worry about ridiculous things such as monsters and vampires.
Anyway to get back to the original topic, when you cried to your parents about the monsters in your room, your mother or father would look under your bed and even in your closet in search of such a creature.
They never found anything, did they? Do you know why?
It’s because Fedor Emelianenko killed them.
That’s right, when Emelianenko wasn’t competing in MMA or taking strange pictures of himself eating two cones of ice cream, he was fighting and destroying every monster or gremlin that ever dared to hide under a child’s bed.
Even the late Michael Jackson felt the wrath of “The Last Emperor,” but Fedor decided not to eliminate him if Jackson would teach him the moon walk.
Emelianenko truly is a legend, and in honor of his upcoming Strikeforce tournament bout with Antonio Silva, I have compiled a list of the 10 most epic Fedor Emelianenko photos on the internet.
Take a look.
Stay Away from My Picnic Table!
Once upon a time, Fedor was enjoying a glorious picnic out in the woods with his secret best friend, UFC president Dana White. As White and Fedor discussed and analyzed the latest episode of American Idol, a giant grizzly bear appeared out of nowhere and stole their picnic basket.
Out of anger and frustration, White and Fedor tracked down the bear and prepared for battle. White was the first to attack, unleashing a series of F-Bombs on the bear that, unfortunately, caused the creature no harm.
A hungry Fedor wasted little time in making his first move and easily knocked the bear out with a thunderous overhand right.
Hopefully that bear learned his lesson…don’t mess with a man’s food, especially when that man is Fedor.
Fedor Doesn't Scream for Ice Cream...Ice Cream Screams for Him
After an entire decade of heavyweight domination, Fedor’s secret is finally revealed.
All of his legendary performances, including his wins over Mirko “Cro Cop” Filipovic and Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, were due to the power he gained from consuming large amounts of ice cream before each and every fight.
Don’t let those health gurus/nut jobs fool you, because ice cream is actually a performance-enhancing supplement that can give you the power of 50 men.
I, myself, am eating a large bowl of cookies and cream as I’m typing this slideshow, and I can already feel a tremendous increase in strength.
Fun fact; the only reason Fedor lost to Fabricio Werdum was because his wife would not allow him to consume any ice cream during training camp.
Personally, if a woman ever told me I could not eat ice cream, I would probably throw a Klondike bar at her and go marry a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough. Then we would have little ice cream babies; it would be marvelous.
"You Make Me Coffee or I Kill You!"
In addition to the power gained from ice cream, Fedor also gets his immense speed from drinking coffee, lots and lots of coffee.
As you can see from the picture above, Fedor’s manager Jerry Millen was taking too long to prepare his client's early morning caffeine, and it almost cost him his life.
"You Can't Tell, but I'm Secretely Wearing a Thong"
Ever wonder why Fedor always seems rather uncomfortable during press conferences? It’s because he secretly wears a leopard thong as his undergarments.
Some of you are probably raising red flags and wondering how on earth I would know that in the first place so let me explain.
In 2008, I met a woman by the name of…well, I can’t remember her name but she was Russian, and she was hot. She told me that all Russian men wear thongs and that it was considered a popular fashion trend in her country.
After laughing my head off for a good 10 minutes I asked her if the great Fedor Emelianenko followed this fashion trend as well. With a serious look on her face, she said he was the one that started the trend.
She then gave me a thong and demanded that I put it on. Now, I’m normally not one to let a woman boss me around, but she had this whole hot-bossy Russian chick thing going on, so I decided to play ball.
Long story short, I am now banned from stepping foot in Russia or a Spencer’s store, for that matter, ever again.
JCVD, You Ain't Nothing, Son.
If Fedor were locked in a cage with Jean-Claude Van Dam, Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, Bruce Willis, Bruce Springsteen, Bob Barker and a pack of man-eating lions, rest assured, “The Last Emperor” is the only one walking out of there alive.
Fedor, Will You Teach Me How To Dougie?
Actually, I don’t even know what the hell a "Dougie" is. Apparently, it’s some sort of dance that utilizes "jerkin" movements; sounds awkward, if you ask me.
Fedor seems like he has some sick moves on the dance floor, though. Josh Barnett, on the other hand, may need some lessons.
Props to Esther Lin for capturing this incredible moment.
"Ariel, Hurry Up This Interview, I Have To Take a Dump"
Hours before conducting this interview with 2010 MMA Journalist of the Year Ariel Helwani, Fedor devoured an entire village of chocolate coated midgets for lunch. Of course, eating a candy flavored midget is illegal in the United States but it is a delicacy in Russia and a meal that Fedor simply cannot live without.
But as tasty as they are, eating too many chocolate flavored midgets can cause constipation.
You can tell by the expression on Emelianenko’s face that his midget meal had just come back to haunt him.
"Do I Get a Lollipop If I Don't Punch You In The Face?"
Legend has it that if you look deep inside Fedor’s mouth you can see the hearts of every single fighter he has ever beaten.
I wonder if Hong Man Choi’s heart tasted like pork fried rice?
"Fly Aoki... Fly Like The Wind!"
Shinya Aoki has the jiu-jitsu abilities of a deadly python but his childhood dream has always been to fly like an eagle. Fedor helped him achieve that goal.
What a good friend, am I right?
"Wait, This Bear Is Wearing a PRIDE Hat, I Won't Hurt Him."
Well kids, after a rough first encounter it seems Fedor and the bear were able to settle their differences and form a lifelong friendship.
So if you ever see an ice cream truck drive by with a grizzly bear wearing a PRIDE FC hat popping its head out of the window, do not be alarmed, it’s just Fedor… or possibly Borat.
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Mitch Ciccarelli is the sexiest columnist in MMA. A staff writer for Heavy MMA, featured columnist for B/R and host of Crouching Tiger Hidden Leprechaun MMA Radio, Ciccarelli is also a future United States Airman, beginning basic training this March. He is also engaged to Eva Mendes and Jessica Simpson.
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