New Year's Resolutions for Every BCS Top 25 Team
Happy New Year! The calendar has turned over and revealed another clean slate for us all. We have exited the season of excess and now prepare for life in 2011.
For most people that means a new commitment or re-commitment to a resolution. Teams should be no different. Everyone or entity has something than can improve upon. Even the teams that make up the cream of the crop in the college football landscape.
While I don't usually offer my consulting services for free, my resolution was to be more generous. So, to get off to a roaring start I am going to give the following recommendations to the BCS top-25 for no charge.
25. UCF: Broaden The Recruiting Base
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UCF is trying hard to get into a BCS conference and they are doing everything they need to. There is just one thing holding them back now.
UCF needs to drop the C. Why advertise that you are located in the one spot of Florida that is not on the beach? It is not only unappealing, it sounds like a community college.
Of course, there is already a UF. A simple letter rearrangement makes the solution to their problem a no-brainer. Next year they need to be FU.
24. Hawaii: Toughen Up The Image
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The Rainbow Warriors, really? How do they expect kids to dominate in a sport as brutal as football when they are called the Rainbow Warriors.
The only team that should be scared to take on the Rainbow Warriors is the leprechauns from Notre Dame. I am frightened of what they come up with next. We are the Fightin' Hawaii Beautiful Sunsets. Guys, this is not a travel commercial, go with something a little more sporty.
How about the Volcanoes? That makes sense and Volcanoes frighten almost anyone.
23. Florida State: Regain Recruiting Dominance
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Florida State dominated college football for two decades. They excelled in all areas a program needs to. Most of all, however, they did it by getting the best athletes in the land. When Bobby Bowden knocked on a recruits door, families let him in with excitement.
That excitement has been replaced with trepidation. Parents are not overly anxious to send their sons for four years of tutelage from a man named Jimbo Fisher. If I wanted my son to get better making moonshine and ensuring his home is level after another late night emergency relocation, then Jimbo would be my first choice. To become a better football player and man, I would look elsewhere.
FSU needs to capitalize on the departure of Urban Meyer with some coaching change of their own. They don't need to replace Jimbo, but they do need to change his name. I say just call him Bobby Bowden. In a few years, no one will remember the difference.
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22. West Virginia: Raise The Intimidation Factor
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The Mountaineers have turned themselves into a top-flight program. All they need is that final push to become a National Championship contender. Every true power-house needs to have a rabid home-field advantage—an advantage so intimidating, oppositions shake in fear at the mere thought of playing their.
West Virginia has a simple solution to make sure that not only teams, but their respective fans want no part of West Virginia's stadium. Give their fans real mountaineering pick-axes. Florida State has the tomahawk chop, West Virginia will have the axe swing.
21. Mississippi State: Increased Awareness Of Subliminal Messages
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Mississippi, think about that word. Could it be any more feminine? You have Miss and Sissi as prominent sounds in the name. These are not names you wanted connected to your football program.
How about they go with Misterbully State instead? With this top-25 program free from those subliminal chains, the sky will be the limit.
20. South Carolina: Be True To Their Identity
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Steve Spurrier has this school on its way too relevance. Their is one thing sorely missing in this program that was a staple of Spurrier's previous success: a dominant QB.
The Gamecocks' QBs have been more cock than game. They need to resolve themselves to find a quarterback who personifies the name of their team, not just one aspect of it.
19. Utah: Keep The Intenisty
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Utah is moving to the conference currently named the Pac-10. This will move them away from their instate rival, BYU. The BYU-Utah game is commonly referred to as the Holy War.
Holy Wars have, and will likely always remain, a great motivator. Utah is going to have to find their intensity in another place.
I say they ratchet up their admission requirements and take aim at Stanford. 2011 could be the berth of the Brain Battle.
18. Nebraska: Create a Kinder, Gentler Nebraska
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Nebraska started off their 2010 campaign strong and then slumped to a finish. They lost their bowl game to a University of Washington team that they embarrassed by over 30 in Washington.
These are not signs of good coaching. Bo Pelini needs to learn a kinder, gentler way to handle his players, because by grabbing and slapping them, he appears to have lost them.
Pelini's old school hands on techniques are not working for a new generation of pampered athletes. Put Pelini in a Jim Tressel sweater vest and make him watch Mr. Rogers in the off-season.
17. Texas A&M: Become More Football-Centric
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I had to look up Aggie, because I had no idea what it was. Apparently, it is someone who attends an agricultural college. I am thinking it will be easier to target the top agricultural students to your school then the top football players.
How about they go with the A&M Footballers. I am sure the agriculture students will get over it.
16. Alabama: Give Their Players A Boost
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Alabama is likely going to lose three of its top players to the NFL draft. Marcel Dareus, Julio Jones and Mark Ingram are all Juniors and they are all probably done playing college football.
The strong Alabama Boosters need to make it worth these players while to return to the Crimson Tide.
15. Nevada: Increase Program Visibility
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Nevada had a breakout season. They are now set to break down the door of national prominence the way their conference peers, Boise State, have done. Now is the time for them to take their new-found relevance and increase their notoriety.
They should open up a Dome/Casino/Hotel and play in Vegas. Think about the possibilities. They would be the talk of the sporting world. Celebrities would flock to the games. Before each game, the broadcasts would show the Wolfpack Stadium/Casino/Hotel Pool lined with gorgeous women.
Top-flight athletes all over the country would be recruiting Nevada to recruit them. It would be the start of a dynasty.
14. Oklahoma State: Recruit More Experience and Toughness
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Nobody knows that most college athletes are still kids better than Oklahoma State and Head Coach, Mike Gundy. So, why does he still recruit kids?
Manhood does not start until age 40. Gundy needs to start combing society for the late blooming 40-year-olds. The ones who never used their college eligibility but have some real skills they found later in life.
Gundy could push them through the hardest practices and regimens he could think of. They are men—they're 40—they could take it.
13. Virginia Tech: Eliminate Confusion
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What is a Hokie? Does anyone know? Do the players even know? How can they be proud to be a Hokie? How can Virginia Tech expect to succeed with all this confusion.
This name upgrade will be easy. They could pull letters out of a hat and improve on Hokie.
12. Missouri: Increase The Role Of The Mascot
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Football is not a sport that you can play scared. With an increased mascot presence, the Tigers will have all of their opposition playing in fear and distracted.
Other teams have horses run on the field, birds fly around the stadiums and dogs barking behind the endzone. The Tigers should have at least 10 tigers roaming the sidelines for all games. Before games Missouri could get mannequins rubbed down in meat and dressed in their oppositions jersey.
Right before kickoff and after scores, they could throw a mannequin onto the field and let the Tigers loose. I think this could give them a real psychological advantage.
11. LSU: Increase The Role Of The Mascot
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LSU needs to do the same thing as Missouri and for all the same reasons. Then these two teams need to schedule each other. The actual tigers could fight for the meat soaked mannequins and that might be the only thing cooler to watch than football.
10. Boise State: Enhance Their Soccer Program
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Boise State finally got the pre-season recognition by the polls they had been fighting for. After starting the season ranked third, they were in a position to get into the National Championship game.
Any hopes they had of this were destroyed when they couldn't convert two makeable late game field goals in a loss to Nevada. Boise State doesn't need to waste a scholarship on a kicker. They can have the soccer team do it for them.
What soccer player is going to say no to being the savior of a high-profile football team?
9. Michigan State: Use Izzo To Remain The State's Top-Dog
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Michigan State is poised to become a perennial powerhouse and the kings of Michigan. They need to reinforce their state dominance to stay a national power.
There is a potential wrinkle in their plans. It has been strongly rumored that Jim Harbaugh already has a deal in place to become Michigan's next Head Coach.
They need to have the MSU basketball coach, Tom Izzo, call Harbaugh and let him know how much he regrets not taking NBA jobs. With Izzo convincing Harbaugh to go pro, Michigan will be forced to continue the Rich-Rod era.
8. Arkansas: Use History to Find Greatness
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Arkansas recently rewarded head coach Bobby Petrino with a seven-year contract extension. Now they just need to figure out how to get him to walk away from it before the bowl game. Maybe they could feed him some rumors of his players running a dog fighting ring.
Petrino walked out on the Atlanta Falcons before their season ended. The players and organization rallied in their common betrayal. They used that moment as a springboard to become the young team, that currently has the best record in the NFC, that they are.
7. Oklahoma: Keep Their Opposition Off-Balanced
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An off-balanced and distracted opponent is a weak one. Oklahoma needs to start cultivating this edge.
The Boomer schooner is one of college football iconic images and it is time for Oklahoma to unleash its full potential. I say they feed the white ponies a steady diet of beans and then in between their on-field dashes have the horses post up on the opposition's sidelines. This should create a negative aromatherapy advantage for the Sooners.
6. Ohio State: Increase Team Discipline
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Jim Tressel is one of college football's most successful coaches. The recent NCAA rules violation involving five of his players suggest that he may not have the full attention of his entire team. It is time for The Sweater to shake things up by changing his look.
Tressel needs to ditch the sleeveless sweater for a sleeveless leather jacket. He could then add some tattoos, chains and a beer-gut to complete the Hell's Angeles look and viola, players would be scared to let him down.
5. Wisconsin: A Program Makeover
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Wisconsin is clearly one of the best and toughest teams in the land. The only problem is, it is hard for the rest of the country to buy into it.
When I hear the Wisconsin Badgers, I think of cute little badgers nibbling on a piece of cheese and not the tough, run-it-down-your-throat football team they have.
They need to upgrade the Badger to a Cougar or a Pit Bull. Something, anything; it's not hard to beat a Badger.
4. Stanford: Hold Onto Their Lucky Charms
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Stanford is playing as good as football as any team in the country. While they are doing it with a team effort, there is no denying that it all starts and ends with all-world QB, Andrew Luck.
Luck appears set to forgo his Senior year and enter the NFL. Stanford needs to stop this from happening. I say just tell Luck they'll give him $10 million to return, or kidnap his family or something more drastic.
Potential rules violations be damned, they are always delayed by at least a year anyway and the Stanford future rides on Luck.
3. TCU: Keep The Texas Momentum
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TCU has made the climb on top of the football talent rich state of Texas. They need to jump all over their current opportunity to win the instate recruiting wars.
Now is not the time for the ethical at TCU. They need to take a cue from the politicians and go negative. They need to "leak" rumor after rumor about their instate rival institutions. Just think of the jump in recruiting they'd receive if Mac Brown had to go onto TV to tell everyone he is not a Nazi.
2. Oregon: Increase Upper Body Strength
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Oregon has the speed. There is no doubting this. They now need to focus on getting stronger. They will not need to look far, because the answer is right under their beaks.
They need to get the person in the Duck outfit onto the team. The Oregon Duck has done roughly a billion push-ups this year. His upper body strength must be second-to-none by now. Put some pads on that mascot, Oregon and let him do some damage.
1. Auburn: Get a New Shredder
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With National Championships comes increased scrutiny by the NCAA rules committee. Throw this in with the allegations of Cam Newton's father demanding a pay-for-play scenario from other schools and Auburn can bank on an investigation.
I don't care how clean your program is. If they look, they will find something. Start burning those back-filed papers, erasing tapes and shredding mail, Auburn. Big Brother will be knocking.
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