NHL Goal Horn Edition: "What's That Dying Cow Noise?"

The bovine mating call goal horn is the leading cause of headaches amongst NHL fans.

So after my article on Halak, calling him October’s most valuable player, there was that 8-1 loss to Columbus. Then there was the piece on the New Jersey Devils and their early struggles this season…and they beat the defending champion Blackhawks. And, of course, there are the power rankings…

I figured I would try something where I don’t look completely wrong 24 hours later.

I believe it is widely known most people don’t understand every little aspect to hockey and the NHL. In fact, I’d say that the population of those familiar with hockey is highly outnumbered by those who only know that ice hockey is played on ice.

It isn’t so much those people are idiots, it’s just that hockey isn’t the most popular sport here in the United States. They are naïve to the aspects of the game. If you want every person to know all about hockey, move to Canada. I would, but I prefer warmer weather and relevant football leagues.

Anyways, I am dating such a person that knows diddly about hockey and, one evening while I am watching highlights of the Blue Jackets beat down of St., she complains about a topic I hardly think about when watching games: the goal horns. In particularly, she was complaining that the Columbus stadium was playing a noise that sounded akin to a dying cow.

So, I had to point out to her that the noise was the horn played when a home team scored a goal. She said it was boring and obnoxious. I was just glad to hear that mentioned by someone else other than me.

In any case, I say that, regardless of how it sounds, it makes the fans happy. She says that’s ridiculous, and they need something more exciting. She liked the mentioning of a cannon the Jackets used to fire when they scored. She thought even the boat horn for the Florida Panthers was good because, as she put, “They’re in Florida. There’s gonna be boats.” Oddly enough, I couldn’t argue against that.

Yet despite all the highlights I was watching, I begin to notice the dying cow noise was by far the most common. Also scary was the fact that she was beginning to really make a point. I had never really just listened for goal horns, and a lot of them were in fact boring.

So how does a franchise make their goals more exciting, outside of their talent on the ice?

The non-hockey fan’s advice: "Sirens. They are exciting. You hear sirens and you pay attention." Outside of me being behind the wheel of a car, I don’t know if this really applies. Anyway, good job Capitals.

Anything else? “They should fit the team’s name.”

I had to clarify things for her a bit here, asking, “But what noise exactly does a Maple Leaf make?”

I suppose they could just have chainsaws revving. I don’t think the world will ever know, though for a Red Wing. The Canucks could use whale songs. I don’t know why the Kings use the noise of a freight train, though it is far more deafening than any train I have ever been around.

The subject changed to goal music, eventually. There came plenty more complaints, though again; it was all pretty much justified.

How many fans are sick of Blur’s “Woo-Hoo”? (Completely unoriginal, also). I personally think what Detroit does with their players has always been great. With Brendan Shanahan, Irish music was played, and for Dan Cleary there is Johnny Nash’s “I Can See Clearly Now.”

Teams could have a lot of fun with this. Kovalchuk could have Pink Floyd’s “Money.” Pavel Datsyuk could use “No More Mr. Nice Guy” from Alice Cooper. Dustin Brown can have any of James Brown. And Sean Avery could have Denis Leary’s “I’m an Assh**e.” And that is just with my limited thinking (which really is limited), so think of what else could be done.

By far the funniest part was when I reached a Ducks game clip. Saku Koivu scores and the sirens and foghorn go off. Initially, she seemed to enjoy it. “See, they have a siren. It’s exciting. I can’t really hear the fog horn, but yeah, it’s creative and different.” However, then came the music. “Oh…man, their music really sucks.”

If one thing is universal between hockey fans and everyone else in society, it is “Bro Hymn” being completely despised by all non-bros.