Franken-Hands: Constructing the Ultimate NFL Wide Receiver

What makes a wide receiver great?

Is it their hands?  Route running ability?  How about overall instinct, or a quarterback friendly 6'5" frame with a go-up-and-get-it nose for the ball?

In the spirit of Halloween, let's take a look at what would happen if we took the best parts from the elite wideouts in today's game and fused them together to make one super freakish unstoppable force that not even Darrelle Revis and Nnamdi Asomugha combined could attempt to cover.

Behold, Franken-Hands lives!

Frame: Calvin Johnson

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DENVER - AUGUST 21: Wide receiver Calvin Johnson #81 of the Detroit Lions awaits the snap on the line of scrimmage against the Denver Broncos during preseason NFL action at INVESCO Field at Mile High on August 21, 2010 in Denver, Colorado. The Lions defe

First let's start out with a frame on which to create our masterpiece.

Johnson sets the standard for what you want in an elite receiver with his body size

6'5" and 235 pounds of muscle is a perfect start.

Feet: DeSean Jackson

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PHILADELPHIA - AUGUST 13: DeSean Jackson #10 of the Philadelphia Eagles on the sideline against the Jacksonville Jaguars during their preseason game at Lincoln Financial Field on August 13, 2010 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. (Photo by Nick Laham/Getty I

There's no point in having a big receiver if he can't outrun corners on a deep route, so let's add some speed.

You won't find a faster receiver than the Eagles' DeSean Jackson, so we'll slap his feet on our creation.

Recap: A 6'5'' target with 4.3 speed, this is starting to look good.

Versatility: Miles Austin

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NEW ORLEANS - DECEMBER 19: Miles Austin #19 of the Dallas Cowboys reacts after his 49-yard touchdown in the first quarter against the New Orleans Saints at the Louisiana Superdome on December 19, 2009 in New Orleans, Louisiana. (Photo by Chris Graythen/

The deep routes are great, but we can't let him get too predictable.

We want a receiver that excels not only at streaks but can run slants and other short yardage patterns effectively too.

Austin is great at turning slant plays into big gains.  Corners are forced to guess (often incorrectly) at what route Austin's going to beat them on next. 

Keep the defensive backs shaking in their cleats knowing Franken-Hands can beat them anywhere on the field?  That's versatility holmes.

YAC Ability: Brandon Marshall

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MIAMI - AUGUST 27: Wide reciever Brandon Marshall #16 of the Miami Dolphins runs with the ball against cornerback Brent Grimes #20 of the Atlanta Falcons during their preseason game at Sun Life Stadium on August 27, 2010 in Miami, Florida. (Photo by Ma

Just because he catches it doesn't mean he's going down.

We want to rack up that yards after catch yardage with the skills of someone who does it better than anyone else in the NFL. 

The catch is just the beginning of the adventure for Marshall as he is among the hardest receiver to bring down in the game, juking by defenders or simply stiff-arming them out of his way.

Hands: Larry Fitzgerald

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GLENDALE, AZ - SEPTEMBER 26: Wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald #11 of the Arizona Cardinals during the NFL game against the Oakland Raiders at the University of Phoenix Stadium on September 26, 2010 in Glendale, Arizona. The Cardinals defeated the Raiders

Perhaps the most important part, our monster has to be able to catch any and every ball thrown his way.

For this we use the best hands in football (no not Braylon Edwards), Larry Fitzgerald.

I've shaken the man's hand before, and was momentarily baffled as I witnessed mine disappear into his.

Dude could probably catch Aroldis Chapman fastballs with his eyes closes.  He's that good.

Blocking: Hines Ward

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KANSAS CITY, MO - NOVEMBER 22: Wide receiver Hines Ward #86 of the Pittsburgh Steelers signals to the fans after scoring a touchdown against the Kansas City Chiefs at Arrowhead Stadium on November 22, 2009 in Kansas City, Missouri. The Chiefs defeated th

Now we can't get greedy and throw to our super target every time, so he's got to have some off the ball skills too.

If we run that toss to the right, our running back should see their corner on his back with Franken-Hands gettin ready to plow the next guy over.

For this, we need the blocking abilities of Steeler star Hines Ward.

Listed as a wide receiver but hits like a tank, our running game will be dominant when we run to his side of the field.  First down and a trip to the emergency room for Mr. Cornerback.

Big Play Ability: Randy Moss

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EDEN PRAIRIE, MN - OCTOBER 7: Wide receiver Randy Moss #84 of the Minnesota Vikings takes his first practice after re-joining the Vikings at Winter Park on October 7, 2010 in Eden Prairie, Minnesota. (Photo by Adam Bettcher/Getty Images)

Say what you want about Moss and his beard (Tom Brady sure has) but you can't deny that over the years, no one has made as many big plays as the seven-time Pro Bowler.

Franken-hands needs this edge to him, the ability to make a big play in a pressure-packed situation when the game's on the line.

Adding this skill from Moss will certainly help, as will his ability to moon the opposing crowd.

Attitude: Andre Johnson

Bob Levey/Getty Images

HOUSTON - JULY 30: Wide receiver Andre Johnson #80 of the Houston Texans participates in the team's first NFL traiing camp practice of the season at Reliant Park on July 30, 2010 in Houston, Texas. (Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images)

No dancing.  No showboating.  No crap.

This is what you get from Johnson, an extremely talented receiver that doesn't feel the need to dance a jig after every first down.

We want our creation to act like he's been there before, because he has, and will continue to be.

It Lives

Strike up the lighting, it's finally time to unleash our monster upon the world.  We've collected:

Calvin Johnson's Frame

DeSean Jackson's Speed

Miles Austin's Versatility

Brandon Marshall's After Catch Ability

Larry Fitzgerald's Hands

Hines Ward's Blocking

Randy Moss's Big Play Ability

Andre Johnson's Attitude

What a creation we've brewed up here.  Franken-Hands would shatter all previous receiving records and draw the never before seen "quadruple coverage."  His Madden rating would be a perfect 100 and Franky would go first in everyones fantasy drafts.

Even Boris Karloff would be proud.