Revis Island: The Best Vacation Destination For Lockdown Defense?

As the summer wound down, I wanted to take advantage of the seasonal balmy days before they turned into the unseasonal balmy days thanks, somehow, to Al Gore and his manipulation of the global climate.  So for Labor Day, I decided to travel to that popular tourist destination I’ve been hearing so much about – Revis Island.

I took a J-E-T jet jet jet to the port and waited for the Revis Ferry to transport me to the lonely body of land set adrift in the Atlantic Ocean. . . and waited . . . and waited.  Rumors circulated that it would arrive when each new hour struck, but each proved to be premature and I was losing hope.  Finally, it showed, just as dusk was blossoming.

Though the Revis Ferry was hyped to be the best ferry service to the island, I found that it wasn’t anything special and regretted not taking the Cromartie Ferry over.  It would’ve done the trick, and for much less money. 

It was already late in the day when I arrived, so I just checked into my hotel, the Sanchez Towers.  This lodging was very new and had lots of potential.  This hotel sanchise has only been in operation for a short time, so there were some disappointments.  The amenities – a full day spa, outdoor pool with man-made waterfall, a bidet in every room -- didn’t always live up to their billing.  For instance, the bidet worked properly half of the time, but the rest of the time, it sprayed errantly throughout my room, missing me completely, but soaking my complimentary bottle of water, so that when I drank from it, I didn't know if I was getting fresh spring water or bidet water.  Yeech! 

I went to sleep early that first night, but never really got the shut eye I needed for there are roosters all around that are crowing constantly.  The natives are proud of this “charming” element.  Without the crowing, it wouldn’t be Revis Island, I suppose.  

So once I couldn’t revert back to my dreamland state, I hopped out of bed to visit one of the major attractions in town – an amusement park.  I love a good roller coaster. 

Though I’m sure it is a great amusement park, there wasn’t much functioning the day I was there.  As the Jenkins Jumanji ride, a whirling dervish that throws you on your back before you know it, had broken down earlier in the day, I could not partake.  And the Santonio Sidewinder looked like it’s gonna be quite a thrill ride.  But it won’t be open until October. 

That left the Taylor Twister which is good, but it’s an old ride that doesn’t thrill as much as it once may have, before they’ve come up with all those flashy new rides. 

I was out by noon and spent the afternoon hiking up Ryan Hill.  I was told that the view from the top would be magnificent, but once there, the wind just blows and blows so much that you can’t hear yourself think.  There wasn’t much to write home about; maybe in a few months, the hot air blown will start to feel a little more temperate. 

The next day, having gotten a little too much sunshine already, I opted to spend a few hours indoors at the Woody Johnson Museum.  There isn’t much to see there.  Anything of note is from forty years ago.  Though the Al Toon plaque is certainly uncontaminated by accomplishment.  And there are some art exhibits that are nice, but that I’d seen displayed in other cities.  They seemed to look better when they were there.

The nightlife, however, is pretty hapnin’.  But be wary, if you have too much to drink and go cruising down the Braylon Expressway, you’re liable to get hit with a heavy fine.  I wasn’t driving under the influence (it’s wrong, kids, don’t drink and drive!), but I spoke to one guy who did and he said the cops pulled him over and made him sit on the side of the road without driving for fifteen minutes -- fifteen whole minutes!  If that won’t deter anyone from doing it again, nothing will.

Overall, the experience on Revis Island was overpriced and overrated.  Next summer, I think I’ll just take my vacay in the Asomugha Valley.  I’ve heard great things!