Top 10 Reasons to Love Notre Dame

In reply to Denny Armstrong’s article “Top 10 reasons to hate Notre Dame”, I’ve decided on writing my own article, called “Top 10 reasons to love Notre Dame”. And if you don't agree with it, you're obviously wrong.

1.  If the Pope’s backing the Fighting Irish, shouldn’t you be?

If the Pope’s seriously got direct contact with The Lord, shouldn’t you be rooting for a side that he and his billions of supporters back?  Why wouldn’t you?

You might get a thunderbolt from above (which I might add, will probably be more accurate than some of Jimmy Clausen’s throws last season).

2.  Lou Holtz vs. Lee Corso

If you haven’t seen “Lou Holtz’ pep talk” on College Football Live, you haven’t lived. If you haven’t laughed so hard after he predicted a very strong 2007, (I think it was 11-1 if memory serves me) and then promptly tried to stick up for the boys ALL SEASON LONG, you haven’t lived.

But hey—Holtz was a damned good coach with us. Why can’t he be the best, God-given announcer who ever lived? After all, didn't The Lord bequeath St. Lou the ESPN contract in the first place?

3.  Jesus Rocks: Lay off Him

Knowing that Jesus was always a football fan, Notre Dame had the good Lord watching over the Irish year in, year out.

I know he wasn't there when ND’s offensive line gave way nearly 60 sacks last season, but He knows that the Irish will win a bowl game in the next two centuries (apparently it's going to be in 2227—DON'T ARGUE: He's the man with the plan!). Oh, and He's not about to translate “Clausen sucks” into Aramaic!

4.  South Bend is a wonderful place

Newark, N.J., is a worse place than South Bend. So are the bad bits of the South Bronx in New York. But it goes back to our Catholic thing: do you think that Jesus would have His school in an Eden (or, say, anywhere nicer)?

5.  Heisman voting

Personally, we Irish fans HATE the way Brady Quinn didn’t get the Heisman. He was the best quarterback in college football. Unless, of course, you discount actual winner Troy Smith, who took his team to a National Championship game.

But we Irish fans don't need to worry, Jesus will conjure one up one for Jimmy The Anointed One in 2009, just after he’s gotten away with his 16th underage drinking charge of the semester and five gold medals in the "Beer Olympics".

6.  It’s OK to play for trophies.

If you’re not playing for trophies you’re not living. THAT’s why we Irish fans LOVE seeing our team play for trophies.

We can go: “Yeah, we may have lost the IWIPEMYASS.COM Bowl (bringing our losing record in bowls to 400), but at least I won The Crapshoot Trophy against San Diego State for the 16th time in a row!”  

7.  "Rudy" was awesome.

I can truthfully say that I cried after first seeing that movie. It’s all about courage of the heart. I loved it, the viewers loved it, and, of course, Jesus loved it. If the rest of you non-Notre Dame fans DON’T like it, you suck.

8.  The BCS

BCS embarrassments (anyone remember 2006 against Ohio State?), Bowl embarrassments, who cares? At least Touchdown Jesus loves us!

9.  The TV Thing

I heard from the Pope that Jesus just loves watching the Fighting Irish. If He’s not watching the away game, He’s super-pissed. He can't get to away games because he's stuck overlooking the field and guarding it from vandals.

That’s why NBC, the giver of the most sycophantic coverage this side of the Vatican channel—has been ordained to pay money to screen the Irish’s games until 2015 (psst….I heard in St Peter's that the deal will get extended to 2030).

10. We graduate students

Forget those who are failing out of school, we throw their asses out of the classroom. WWJD and all that yeah?! Let’s hope little Jimmy’s studying hard; after his first season, his career's going the way of his brothers, Casey and Rick.

But don't worry Jimmy, Jesus will get you into the NFL (via prison if you keep getting caught for drinking underage)!