Secret Unveiled: Is Xavi a DNAsaur!?

Catalan C*nts

“..I do however have some interesting facts for you, which for some reason oblivious to me; have been hidden from the public domain. These facts include the following..”

Over the past month or so, we Gooners, have been at utter loss of words given the very nature of scathing verbose showered at Cesc, courtesy the courtesy-less Catalans (read: C*nts). Left, right & center, they’ve left no space uncovered in teaming up against our charismatic captain, in a bid to lure him back to what they wrongly believe his home. Let’s face it; he learnt all his craft under the able tutelage of Arsene at London Colney. He might have been team-mates with Pique & Messi when in diapers at the Cantera (read: C*nt-era), but if it were not for Arsenal, he’d be rotting on one of the many crocked benched at Camp Nou.

All that is history though, & it looks very likely that we’re gonna procure the services of Fabregas for yet another season (one of many I hope). Amidst the entire melee, modern football was introduced to a very new kinda parameter to negotiate, re-negotiate a possible transfer. Usually it’s the money & the number of years left in the contract which matter; players can now even buy themselves outta a contract if they really want to move on. Fair enough I reckon. But never before in the history of football, a person’s DNA decided which club he should go to, did it!? In one of the feedbacks on 11G, I found this really intuitive take as to why exactly are these Catalans so obsessed with the tiny threads called DNA. Read on & hope you like it

“..The reason why Xavi is an expert on DNA, and coincidentally the reason why he is pasty white, is because he constantly consumes it, when he isn’t smearing it all over his face.

Puyol on the other hand, uses DNA to maintain his magnificent samoan-esque locks; no doubt a direct result of an irregular pay-cheque from El Catalans.

Manure-reject Pique utilizes DNA as face balm in order to grow a fuller beard; in an effort not to end up with what is commonly known as a ‘Gary Neville’ rat beard.

And how can one forget Lionel Messi. Since his arrival at Barcelona as a twelve year old, he has had daily injections of DNA direct from source, which I believe is the prime reason behind his vertical might. 4 ft 2 inches no less.

The source has been unofficially confirmed as being that of Joan Laporta. Injection duties were due to be transferred to his successor Sandra Rossel. However upon inspection by Barca’s medical’s staff it was determined that he does not possess the necessary equipment in order to undertake said duties. Thus finally explaining why he has a girl’s name.

Seriously though, now that my rant is over, I have a couple of corrections for you. See as I am feeling a little “anal” today (pun intended); it should be UEFA & not FIFA who should intervene in this matter. This has to be the most blatant & public tapping up scandal since I cannot remember when; as this is a matter between two clubs of the separate domestic leagues & it falls under UEFA’s remit. However we cannot expect ‘puppet’ Platini to take any action, as in the past he has been quite vocal in his dislike for Wenger’s methods acquiring young European talent. Also I wouldn’t expect Barca’s players to be sanctioned for their part in this saga, as those bloody twats get away with saying & doing what they want. I would however have expected Barca’s elected & official representatives to have been reprimanded for their part as theoretically they should know better. But then, it’s in their blood. Can’t really help.

I cannot agree more with your last statement that we should hate Barcelona for this fiasco, and not Cesc. Should any fan at the Grove, give him an Adebayor-esque reception; we would be giving Barcelona exactly what they want & that’s the last thing we wanna do at this moment of time. Hopefully you will all join me in giving him a rousing reception & that we remind him of how much he is loved & respected at the Grove; so that he then knuckles down & finally leads us to some silverware this season.

As for Cesc’s retail price, Arsene should tell Barcelona to put up or shut up. And if they cannot meet our valuation, then they should start tapping up other ready-made players like the Rooney’s, the Torres’s & the Drogba’s of this world. And yeah Xavi, you can either go back to Ice Age or rot in hell..”

I’m sure the above re-iterates the view of every Gooner out there. Btw, Xavi’s latest theory prescribes Cesc being on a loan at Arsenal & will be Barca-bound one day. For once I agree with the knob-head. Yeah Cesc has been loaned to us for the next 14 years. After that Xavi is free to tally Cesc’s DNA with his or do whatever he wants to. One reminder though, the threads would’ve turned ‘red & white’ by then. Like Titi once famously said, ‘Once a Gunner, always a Gunner’.

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Note: If any of you want to share your views/opinions on the club from N5 (read: Arsenal!), leave Us a comment at the bottom. We’ll get back right away & be glad to give you a chance. Keep Gunning..