The three wise men whose names are visible in the above headline grace some of the greatest football leagues in the world.
Franck Ribery, with his "scarface look", has been gracing the Bundesliga with his dazzling skills for current league leaders and Champions League semifinalists Bayern Munich.
Karim 'The Donkey' Benzema, a £40million Galáctico, has been spectacularly dividing opinion in Spain and La Liga, with his idiosyncratic showings for Florentino Perez's plaything Real Madrid.
And completing France's trio is not Lyon superstar Sidney Govou (who as you might know fits in the same bracket as the aforementioned men for all the wrong reasons), but rather Premier League and Wigan Athletic uber-talent Charles N'Zogbia.
These three lads, after their recent off-pitch exploits, have some fundamentally important life lessons they would just love to share with you.
They each asked Yoosof Farah to tell you their thoughts and words of wisdom.
Franck 'Scarface' Ribery
Have you ever heard the song I Get All The Girls by Calvin Harris? Well, if you have, Franck Ribery will be the first one to tell you that's exactly what he gets.
Strange you might think, considering he has a very unfortunate scar he sustained as a young child in a car accident, which arguably has reduced his attractiveness somewhat.
But no, Ribery gets the girls as he isn't a man to be defeated like that; he is a man determined to overcome any obstacle.
His advice to you is, "If you want something, don't stop until you get it."
"I wanted more than just my wife Wahiba. She's good looking and all, but I was desperate for something extra, you know, like a bit on the side or something.
"I wanted an extra relationship, something interesting and different, so I thought I'd go for a 17-year old prostitute. I'm 10 years older than her, so that's interesting and different, right?"
Well apparently not in the same way as Ribery thinks, according to the French courts. To them, and to many people, that's called pedophilia, as anyone under the age of 18 in France is a minor (Ribery picked up his playgirl at a nightclub in Paris).
Even so, very admirably Ribery doesn't let that phase him in any way.
"Yeah she's underage, what of it? I got a knockback by all this negative press, but I don't care. I want my underage girls, Wahiba doesn't seem to care anyway, so what's the problem?"
So there you are my friends, don't let anything or anyone stop you having sexual intercourse with underage girls, which (seemingly) is Franck Ribery's important life lesson to you.
Karim 'Donkeymus Maximus' Benzema
Karim Benzema is in a similar position to Ribery currently; he seems to just love those apparently "damn fine" underage girls.
"Basically, it ain't going good for me in Madrid at the moment. The fans hate me, the gaffer never plays me, and I feel like I can't even score in a brothel, let alone find the back of the net for my team," says The Donkey, a.k.a Karim Benzema.
The Real Madrid and France striker isn't enjoying the best of times lately, with negative press courtesy of Spanish sports daily Marca amongst others keeping him occupied.
Thus the inevitable question is, what's the perfect tonic then? According to the legendary philosopher that is Benzema, here's that perfect answer.
"When you're feeling low and everything is against you, you've got to take your mind off things", said the French frontman.
"Go out with your friends and have fun. To help me, my mates Sid (Sidney Govou) and Scarface (Franck Ribery) took me out clubbing in Paris.
"I tell you, the amount of girls we got that night... man, that s**t is off the hook!"
But Benzema also has a word of warning on such matters.
"Be careful though of what you do. Scarface (Franck Ribery) said I should check out some real dirty prostitutes who would be up for anything, as after all, for the past year I've struggled to even score in a brothel, so anybody would be better than nobody!"
Unfortunately for Karim though, "These girls were underage. Being the jokester he is, Ribery thought it would be funny to get me involved with his pedophilia as well!"
"So here's a pivotal life lesson for you here my friends. Never, ever, go out clubbing with Scarface."
Charles 'I scored the winner against Arsenal' N'Zogbia
Look, before we get into the important words of wisdom posed to you by Charles N'Zogbia, let's just consider his dire position.
He lives in Altrincham, Greater Manchester, like the other two he's French, and even worse, he plays for Wigan Athletic.
So please, before continuing, don't hold any of that against him. Anyway, his life lesson to you is short and sweet.
He says, "If you can't pass the theory test when learning to drive, just get someone else do it for you."
But what about subsequently getting arrested on suspicion of fraud by false representation?
Somewhat surprisingly, N'Zogbia wasn't around to answer that question, as he was in jail for fraud by false representation.
Yoosof 'The Destroyer' Farah
Lastly, the writer of this article, Yoosof Farah, would like to share a deep, meaningful and powerful statement that will inspire, motivate and enlighten you on the wonders of life.
"Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom. Alien vs. Predator 2 is the movie version of that book."