Somebody Slap Him!: The CFB Analysts/Writers Who Should Be Smacked Now!

Jonathan KelleyCorrespondent IApril 14, 2010

SOUTH BEND, IN - SEPTEMBER 13: Former head coach Lou Holtz of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish talks to current head coach Charlie Weis prior to playing the Michigan Wolverines on September 13, 2008 at Notre Dame Stadium in South Bend, Indiana.  (Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images)
Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

I was having a conversation at lunch the other day with a friend. When suddenly we saw a person run into a parked car. I emphasize run into because he was running at the time and talking on the cell phone.

My friend then said "You know it should be legal to slap stupid people", and thus an idea was born.

At first we talked about the various politicians that we would love to get or hands on, the people we work with, family members, but finally the conversation turned to sports.

Immediately we both said we would love to slap the same CFB analyst. I have asked around and it seems that the same people keep coming up when I have asked "Who in CFB needs to be Slapped".

Obviously the list of coaches and players who need to be slapped would be far too vast to every actually be able to write in an article so I will simple state the five Analyst/Writers who deserve it the most.

No. 5 Paul Finebaum

Some of you may have no idea who I am talking about, but for those of you who live in the South Eastern region of the United States this one is for you. All in all his interviews are quite entertaining and mostly informative. However his frequent callers and weekly columns are enough to make people play in traffic.

Paul is what he is however and that is a Shock Jock sports radio talk show host. Still most normal fans always feel dumber after listening to his show. In the grand scheme of things his show would be great if he would slap most of his frequent callers.

On a personal note I would like to plead with anyone in an authority position who happens to read this article. Please bring Paul up on charges for crimes against humanity if he continues to allow Charles from Real Town to call in.

No. 4 Phil Fulmer

Do I really need to explain why this man should be slapped? Not only is he let's just say not smart but is arrogant, annoying, and provides no real insight on anything. I do not doubt that he has a vast understanding and knowledge of college football, but as an analyst all he does is state the obvious.

Plus he is PHIL FULMER! Just slap him PLEASE!

No. 3 Jessie Palmer

I like Jessie for the most part. His analysis is nothing to get excited about but it is not bland either. He play's a role on College Football Live and plays it well. The sole reason he is on this list is the same reason he is number three. He was The Bachelor!

The show was as retarded as that smirk he always has and that alone is enough to make most people want to slap him silly.

No. 2 Todd McShay

Mel Kipper is a brilliant analyst who is at the top of his chosen profession. He provides keen insight and analysis to how NFL organizations work, evaluate, and draft to their needs. I enjoy watching him and reading his blogs and articles.

I think it is a crime that he is pared with Todd McShay whose only real insight is that by disagreeing with Mel Kipper he can make money. Todd McShay is wrong 60 percent of the time about prospects and the only reason he is right 40 percent of the time is because it is obvious.

To make matters worse his attitude and personality scream prick! He is by far the most overpaid and worthless person employed by ESPN. If some slaps him I would pay money to see it, and I personally believe that one day he will say something so stupid that Mel Kipper will just lose it and slap him. Oh how I long for that day!

No. 1 Lou Holtz

I would like to retract the statement that Todd Mcshay is the most worthless and overpaid person by ESPN. That honor belongs to Lou Holtz. My wife who could care less about football even realizes that this man knows nothing about College Football today.

He is an idiot. There is no nice way to say it the man should be institutionalized if he believes half the things he say's are accurate. HE PREDICTED NOTRE DAME WOULD LOSE TO FLORIDA IN THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP LAST YEAR. To make matters worse he believed it would happen.

To add gas to the fire the act that he is a lovable old grandpa figure is a joke. I watched Lou Holtz coach and the man was a mean spirited old cuss who was focused on winning. There is nothing wrong with that, but don't pretend like it never happened. If he has changed good, but the fact remains he was not the nice grandpa like figure that he claims to have always been.

None of these reasons even compare to why he is No. 1 on this list. I can tolerate the bias he has towards Notre Dame, and how he loves them so much. I can tolerate his ridiculous predictions, and inconsistent facts. To some extent his fake persona can even be excused, but no one can excuse his segment Dr. Lou.

This man should never be referred to as Dr. ever! He is an idiot and the segment is a waste of time that would be better served as commercials. Please ESPN fire this man. Every time he opens his mouth your company loses credibility, and there is no doubt in my mind that Mark May will one day kill him on College Football Final. There is only so much stupidity that any man can take.

So there are the five Analyst/Writers that I believe deserve to be slapped the most in CFB. If you believe I am wrong or that I left off a more deserving candidate please leave a comment and let me know.


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