Johnny Damon Considers Retirement, Then Quickly Sobers Up (Satire)

According to a friend of Johnny Damon, the free agent outfielder has considered retiring from baseball. His chances at a huge payday appear to be dwindling and even the Yankees don’t seem to want him.

But in an exclusive interview, Damon himself moved quickly to dismiss such thoughts.

“I was drunk,” said Damon, as he used Clorox wipes to clean the remains of last night’s cheese and anchovy pizza from his toilet. “So I may have said some things that I didn’t really mean.”

Once he came to, wallowing in a pool of his own excrement and vomit, the former Red Sox outfielder said he quickly realized his mistake.

“I apparently sent an e-mail to all the MLB clubs telling them to go to hell”, admitted a sheepish Damon, as he wiped away some caked-on blood from his bed. “But then I considered the end of this lavish lifestyle which I have grown accustomed to, and sent a follow-up text saying it was all a joke.”

Damon, who was seen carrying a body bag and various sex toys from his home, had this to say when asked if he ever did consider retiring. “Well, yeah, the thought occurred to me, I guess it was right after my sixth beer, or perhaps it was after I attempted to snort some kitchen cleanser.

“But then I said where in the hell can a guy make millions of dollars playing a game? I mean, sure, they must have some tournaments involving naked Twister or even drug-induced Ouija that I could do well at, but in the end, I decided that I should be true to my calling.”

As Damon excused himself to talk to the police, who had arrived at his place only minutes before to discuss a neighbor’s disappearance, his agent summed up his client’s feelings for us.

“Look, Johnny isn’t perfect. We admit, openly, that there is some wild crap going on around here since he’s been away from the game he loves. But I think we are both in agreement that retirement just isn’t a good thing for Johnny.

“An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.”   

Johnny had to abruptly end the interview as he was being handcuffed and taken to a downtown police station for booking.

"I just need to get back to work," he shouted as he disappeared into the night.