The Terrible 10 Of College Football: Week Three

1] Virginia [0-3]

The last time Virginia was treated this badly it all ended bleakly at Appomattox.

When will Al Groh go to his Appomattox?

2] San Jose State [0-3]

They have lost their way in San Jose.

Ladies and gentlemen the fabulous Burt Bacharach!

Do you know the way to san jose?
Ive been away so long. I may go wrong and lose my way.
Do you know the way to san jose?
Im going back to find some peace of mind in san jose.

3] The Three Owls{Temple, Rice, and Florida Atlantic} [0-7]

The Owl was sacred to Athena the Greek goddess of wisdom. She sure must be mad at this cursed bunch.

If Temple football was a fight it would have been stopped long ago.

At Florida Atlantic Howard Schnellenberger must be contemplating the joys of retirement and wondering what might have been had he stayed at Miami.

Rice can still bumble games with the best of them. They are very well trained in the art of the turnover. There is a certain terrible beauty in turnovers.

The poorly thrown pass that is picked, the muffed field goal, the botched snap, the mishandled hand off, Rice has always excelled at all these things.

4] Michigan State [1-2]

The Sydney Greenstreet of South Bend defeated the Spartans with his dreaded fade pattern.

Or maybe it was the pre game motivational Casablanca fez Charlie Weis wore.

Either way dropping a game to perpetually poorly prepared Notre Dame is a sure sign the program's future is bleak.

5] Purdue [1-2]

Northern Illinois, who nearly beat the Badgers of Wisconsin, bashed the Boilermakers.

Northern Illinois, if they joined,would be one of the best teams in the Big Ten which, of course, isn't saying a whole lot.

The boring Big Ten is dominated by the sweater vest at Ohio State. Who, as long as his team is overwhelmingly athletically superior, can game plan with the best of them.

6] The New Mexicos [1-5]

The Lobos and the Aggies meet in the Billy the Kid Bowl this week.

The loser must sing Woody Guthrie at midfield.

7} Maryland [1-2]

Fresh off their whipping of Wild Tommy West of Memphis the Middle Tennessee State Blue Raiders marched North and made turtle soup of the Maryland Terrapins.

As Ralph Friedgen watched Alan Gendreau's game winning field goal gallop through he groaned  "Damn it I've been sunbelted..."

Then the big man mumbled that he felt like Maryann the maenad at the end of True Blood, gored in the guts.           

8] East Carolina {1-2]

Whats worse then being a pirate and losing on talk like a pirate day?

Arggghhhh aye me mateys losing to those sniveling curs of North Carolina, the very swine who sicked those sneaky red coated sea-dogs on Blackbeard, tis a terrible thing. 'Ave ye no shame laddies? Arrghhh time flies when ye be having rum but tis no fun to drop another one.

Call Captain Blood the boys need a pep talk.

Skip Holtz is said to be eyeballing Charlie Weis' shaky reinforced throne at Notre Dame. This is why his Pappy, evil Lou Holtz, laughs like Doctor Evil and picks Notre Dame to win the national title.

Then Evil Lou sticks another pin his Weis voodoo doll.

9] Tennesse [1-2]

Sure they played the Gators tough but that loss to those Yankee blue bellies from California still stings on Rocky Top.

The last Tennessee coach to start a season with a pair of big early losses was General John Bell Hood.

When last seen General Hood was being played by The Band's Levon Helm in The Electric Mist.

It's also rumored that Hood is a biker on Sons of Anarchy. Bikers have nothing on Confederate Generals in the wild beard department.

Maybe Lane Kiffin ought to grow a big wild reb beard.

10] Western Kentucky [0-3]

Poor Big Red, the Western Kentucky mascot is said to be belting down bourbon after bourbon pondering not only why they made him look like a mad Red Grimace Grendel on speed but what the hell is a hilltopper?

Fight on Big Red for the Louies, Lafayette and Monroe, loom...and an upset will lift ye deep gloom and doom. 

And Big Red stay off them hill tops for not only do ye look a bit like a big red bear but ye also have a bit of the Ned Beatty, a fellow Kentuckian, look going.

Don't let the Navy make you squeal like a pig Big Red.