10 Kinds of Fantasy Football Players Everyone Hates

Nick Dimengo@@itsnickdimengoFeatured ColumnistAugust 28, 2015

10 Kinds of Fantasy Football Players Everyone Hates

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    For many of us, fantasy football symbolizes the greatest thing about the NFL season coming back.

    Don't get me wrong—spending all day Sunday doing nothing but sitting on my couch in mesh shorts and sweatpants is dope and all, but I'm a Cleveland Browns fan, so can I really expect anything but heartbreak each week? Nope.

    With fantasy football, though, it gives me a chance to actually feel like a winner, as I get to root for my guys and typically have some interest in every game going on every week.

    But while fantasy is great and all, there are some people who make it miserable.

    Whether they take it too seriously, don't care at all or talk way too much crap, I'm giving you the 10 kinds of fantasy football players we all hate—so don't be any of these guys.

10. The Unsatisfied, Ever-Changing Roster Guy

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    You know that dude who drafts his team, evaluates it as if he were Mel Kiper Jr. or Todd McShay and then decides, "You know what? I REALLY dislike who I selected."

    Well, that dude is one of the most annoying people on the planet and the reason why many fantasy football league commissioners enforce limits on the amount of moves a team can make during the season.

    This guy is always dropping one player for another, then changing his mind and picking the former player back up, or proposing trades to everyone in the league like crazy because he wants to "mix it up" and have a complete overhaul.

    He'll be the first to make a waiver request and, within five minutes after the draft, will drop his backup tight end because he just read somewhere that a new sleeper has emerged.

9. The Homer

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    Look, it doesn't bother me if you want to be the guy who decides to select every single Cleveland Browns player—after all, who on that offense is going to put up any fantasy points this season?

    But when a guy is a Denver Broncos fan and is persistent as hell in getting as many Broncos players as possible, it makes the entire league unbalanced.

    Sure, having Peyton Manning as your quarterback and Demaryius Thomas as a wide receiver is dope—they're both fantasy studs and will give a fantasy owner double points on touchdowns—but that doesn't mean you HAVE to have them on your team.

    In addition to the whole "complaining because he didn't get 'his guys'" thing, the Homer will find a way to select player who used to play for his favorite team, proving that he'll forever be attached to him. (See: Julius Thomas.)

8. The Guy Who Picks First

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    For better or worse, I have the first pick in my fantasy league this season—and you better believe that each of the other nine team owners have an opinion.

    Whether they're giving me crap for being the commish and somehow "just happening" to land the top spot, or offering up their opinions or trash-talk about how I'll mess the pick up, you know it's annoying as hell.

    However, that won't stop all those other guys from continuing to heckle me and wish complete death on the pick—because, even if they're happy they don't have the first pick, they're lying.

    Fantasy football may be the only time when people want to see a No. 1 overall pick actually fail—unless you own that draft slot, of course.

7. The Auto-Drafter

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    Me (Tuesday): "Hey, dude. Don't forget that our fantasy draft is this Sunday at 7:30, OK?"

    Friend (Tuesday): "Yeah, man, don't worry. I ain't missing that. I'm dominating this year."

    Friend (Saturday): "Hey, something came up and I may be late to the draft tomorrow, just FYI. Don't worry, though, I'm pre-ranking guys so you suckers are still all going down."

    Me (Sunday at 7:30): "Dude, you making it to the draft or what? Your team is about to be on the board."

    Silence.

    And for the next two hours, every other fantasy owner in the draft is forced to see a someone imaginarily draft another person's team, usually getting screwed over because the rankings take the highest-rated player left on the board.

    Auto-drafting a fantasy team takes the fun out of a live draft, with no strategy whatsoever in play because a computer selects for a team.

    Oh, and that whole "pre-ranking guys" thing doesn't ever happen outside of about 50 players, so don't think that anyone's buying that crap.

6. The Snake

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    However you want to describe this guy, it's always something negative—because he will try to screw over absolutely everyone in the league.

    He pays more attention to everyone else's team than his own as if it's a stock he's invested in, just waiting to pounce on the first sign of weakness.

    Proposing ridiculous trades and trying to sway another owner like a used-car salesman would, the Snake is ruthless in finding anything possible to win.

    This is the same guy who has an under-the-table deal with the person in last place toward playoff time, agreeing to give him Andrew Luck next season in exchange for Antonio Brown and Marshawn Lynch this year in an after-midnight waiver deal.

    Stay clear of this guy, because, while a snake is majestic to watch slither around, when you're not looking, he'll come and chomp at you.

5. The Fantasy Advice Guy

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    This one is two-fold.

    In one instance, the Fantasy Advice Guy thinks that he knows everything about fantasy football, acting as if he has a Ph.D. on the topic—which, for you actually wondering, doesn't exist.

    He'll offer advice about his team, your team and the team he plans on assembling next year in your keeper league.

    In the other instance, the Fantasy Advice Guy is either a rookie or novice player, literally reading Matthew Berry's Love/Hate columns religiously each week for help on who to play and who to sit.

    Should he ever go on vacation during the season and be left without Internet, the Fantasy Advice Guy will either lose his mind, pay a trustworthy friend to read Berry's column that week and do everything he says or have his lineup set so far in advance because, well, obviously, he's a fantasy football god.

4. The Wanderer

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    Wait, what happened to this guy?

    Last anyone heard from him was the draft two weeks ago, and, holy crap, I think he's still starting Jimmy Garoppolo at quarterback even though Tom Brady returned from his suspension.

    Ah, yes, such is the life of the Wanderer, who says that he's "fully onboard" to partake in the fantasy league's season, only to disappear once his roster is full, refusing to update his team every week.

    Worse than just the standard Wanderer, though, is the guy who, three weeks in, realizes how miserable his team actually is, gets blown out in each game and, without hesitation, refuses to do anything to try to win for the rest of the year, waving the white flag with over 10 games left to go.

3. The Trash Talker

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    Few people want to discuss the presidential race in fear of upsetting someone else, but when it comes to fantasy football, you better believe they're exercising their right of the First Amendment.

    This guy is as irritating as a gnat that just won't seem to stop circling around your ear, as he runs his mouth and mocks the entire league with ridiculous comments on the message board and, yes, even Facebook messages boasting about how good his team is.

    Even in defeat, this guy won't stop talking, totally immune to the fact that his team just racked up its third straight loss.

    A good novel always has an antagonist to stir things up, and in your fantasy football season, that's what the Trash Talker is meant to do—to get under your skin.

2. The Way-Too-Serious Guy

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    He throws his beer at the TV, curses in church when he checks his fantasy score on his phone and, yes, even breaks the fantasy football cardinal rule of cheering for his fantasy team over his real one—he's the Way-Too-Serious Guy.

    Win or lose, this guy evaluates everything as if he's the head coach of a real NFL team, giving his analysis of what happened and what could have been done differently.

    His weekend is legitimately determined by the outcome of his fantasy matchup and, showing characteristics of the Trash Talker, the Fantasy Advice Guy, the Snake and the Unsatisfied, Ever-Changing Roster Guy, is just about as bad as it gets when it comes to playing fantasy football.

1. The Lucky Guy

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    If there's one guy who everyone can collectively agree is the worst in fantasy football league history, it's the Lucky Guy, who somehow continues to win games without any explanation whatsoever.

    The Lucky Guy is always the dude who auto-picks a team and wins the league, or goes an entire season without any injuries, or hits a home run with every single one of his late-round gambles or… AHHH, I'M GOING CRAZY JUST THINKING ABOUT IT!

    Whether he knows a lot or a little about fantasy football, the Lucky Guy will squeak out a one-point win because of a stats adjustment made Tuesday morning and not say a word about it.

    His humility, understanding and acceptance of the luck is part of the reason he's so damn annoying to begin with, and there's nothing anyone can do for the man who, seemingly, sold his soul to the devil in order to catch all of the breaks.