Takin' a T/O With BT: For the Stanley Cup Finals, the End is Near

Well, the Stanley Cup finals—that time of year where the most glorious trophy in professional sports is finally handed out—is upon us.

The pretenders have been shelled out, and the final two combatants lie in waiting as Saturday approaches, the day where they will meet for the first time, and someone will gain an upper hand in the battle for Lord Stanley's mug.

It figures that it would be the two teams that I simply can't stand.

We could have had Brenden Morrow triumphantly raising the Cup above his head as Marty Turco basked in the glow of exorcising his playoff demons. We could have had the Cup come back to Canada via the Montreal Canadeins, the Calgary Flames, or even the (gulp) Ottawa Senators.

Hell, I could even tolerate the Philadelphia Flyers, who came back with a vengeance this season, as the champions—emblazoning their logo all over Finals merchandise.

But no, we got stuck with the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Detroit Red Wings.

Sidenote: Despite me not knowing what the Flyers logo was (winged 'P'—go figure) until just a few years ago (I wasn't a very smart kid...cut me some slack), I'd like to just say that I was the only one who attributed all of the suspensions to the Flyers players trying to keep their PR people from sounding like liars.

I mean, what better way to come "back with a vengeance" than to get four suspensions? They may be cheap, but at least they're about honesty and truth-telling (As far as you know, this phrase is semantically correct) over there in the city of brotherly love.

Don't get me wrong; both teams are great competitors. Both worked extremely hard to get to the finals, and both have earned their shot at the Stanley Cup.

That doesn't mean I have to like them any more than I used to.

For the Red Wings, it's not that they survived the institution of the cap (you may remember that the Wings and the Leafs were supposed to be two of the teams that were to suffer the greatest from this—batting at 50 percent ain't bad I guess), or that they've had more recent success than any other team (The three Stanley Cup championships are bookended by numerous 100-point seasons—including the only season they finished out of first in the division in 1999/2000 with 108 points), but it's just who they are.

They're an Original Six team, and if you've noticed, the fans of Original Six teams don't like each other very much. We can respect each other and our successes, but you'll never see a Habs, Rangers, or Leafs fan cheering their heart out for the Red Wings—at least you shouldn't.

But let's get to the Penguins shall we?

Granted—they are going to be a great young team, and probably the next great dynasty in the NHL—I can give you that.

However, no one said I had to like it, and if Pittsburgh does go on and win the Cup, then hopefully the Pens fans can hear themselves cheering above the gritting of my teeth.

What about the Penguins "fans" who got caught up in the hype of Sydney Crosby in Junior hockey (he's obviously not that good if he can't win the Memorial Cup) and decided that they can just hop on his bandwagon and get a free ride to success in the NHL? Frankly, unless that 18-year old guy wearing a Crosby jersey at a Pens game looking absolutely clueless can tell you anything about the Penguins history (Pre-lockout, thank you very much), then you know you've got a Cros-bite.

Sidenote: If you like Crosby but kept your loyalties to your former team then that's fine. Just don't go running around in your Penguins jersey during the Stanley Cup Finals screaming "I'm a Pens fan!! I'm a Pens fan!!" if they're up in the series. All bets are off at that point.

There's also the fact that I'm kind of bitter at their draft success.

I understand that they were a terrible team for so many years, and with so many quality first round choices, the chances they select guys that can easily slide into long, productive NHL careers is a lot higher but seriously—they have six of their past first round picks on their active roster (seven if you count the fact Colby Armstrong was dealt for Marian Hossa). To put that in perspective, the Toronto Maple Leafs have had five this decade—three of which are still with the team. (It's Maple Leafs Hockey!! In Toronto!!! Feel the magic!!)

Then there's also the fact that I just don't plain like Sidney Crosby, but I guess that's a story for another day.

So what am I going to be doing during the Stanley Cup finals? Well, I'll be watching as often as I can because (despite my disposition to both teams) it'll be great hockey. I'll also be hoping that Crosby will be held pointless, while Vince McMahon takes over the NHL (According to Sean MC he's already taken hold of the NBA) and creates some sort of 30 team free-for-all for the Stanley Cup.

I mean at least that would lessen the chances of these two winning right?

But I guess if we're going to get serious then...

Looking at the two teams, they both have different strengths.

Despite Detroit's propensity for offensive flair, they preach a style of game that is both offensively electric and defensively responsible—giving them one of the best shots at stopping the Crosby and Malkin show because everyone on this team back-checks.

On the defensive end, Pittsburgh's only defenseman with a Stanley Cup ring is Darryl Sydor—and he hasn't played since the series with the Rangers. Granted the Penguins made it this far with a fairly young defense buoyed by some veteran presences, but you've got a ton of experience in big game situations on Detroit's back-end with guys like Chris Chelios, Brian Rafalski (often the forgotten man this season), Brad Stuart, and of course Nicklas Lidstrom.

People question how much experience really means in the Stanley Cup playoffs, and to an extent I agree. I think if you carry momentum through the first three rounds then you have a very good chance of winning. Once you make it to the finals however, it's a completely different monster all together (Little known fact: Pierre McGuire has trademarked the word 'Monster' and is now faxing me over a six-figure law suit).

And I'm still not sold on Marc-Andre Fleury. I'm just sitting and waiting for him to have that one mind-boggling gaffe and cost the Pens the playoffs. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen, but a man can dream can't he?

Just for kicks, Frank you get the last word...

Frank Drebin: Well I would think so, after all, every great team in the history of anything finished together and stuck it out until the end—although I wasn't invited back for the conference finals.

But to be honest, picking on these two teams is worse than beating up a man in a wheelchair—people will just think you're envious of his motorized wheels and the fact that calling him an evil genious just makes them all the more suspect of your sanity.

Although, if you're able to prove that he's wearing a fake beard and he IS an evil genious, then the cards are turned over like a blackjack game on an air conditioner—which leads me to another point: Playoff beards. I buy Detroit's beards, those are believable like that of a lumberjack or the 40-year old man down the street who keeps offering little Timmy a "tootsie roll", but does anyone actually believe that the Pittsburgh Penguins can grow playoff beards? It's more reasonable to believe that you can clean home plate with a full sized, stand-up vacuum than Sidney Crosby growing a full-fledged beard (For those of you out there in need of a plate cleaning tool, use a Dirt Devil—it fits in your pocket better).

However, I have to say, despite Sidney Crosby's failed attempt at a beard, and Evgeni Malkin's propensity to wear nightcaps despite my moral objection to them, that the idea of a Penguin hoisting the Stanley Cup is just silly. You might think that something like that would happen in Canada or Arabia where animal uprisings are common, but most definitely not in America.

Despite that however, if by some deranged miracle Detroit does lose (the possibility of Nordberg getting trapped under the team bus could slow them down dangerously), then as Americans, we'll have to be a gracious recipient, and host, of these fluffy, tuxedo-wearing, hockey-playing fowl, no matter how much snow they drag through our living rooms or whether or not your ex-wife knows what a harp is despite touring with the Chicago Male Chorus and Symphony for 300 days a year.

But if you want my opinion, then the finals are going to be awefully hot, and awefully wet—like the Sunday roast with the parents. If you're thinking of rioting like those beavers in Montreal though Detroit, then you may want to set a place at your kitchen table for Police Squad because we'll be there!

BT: As charming as that was, and as charming as it's been to have Frank making picks (and beating me) this playoff season, all good things must come to an end.

Luckily enough Frank and I agree entirely (go figure) on the outcome of the Stanley Cup Finals. Here's hoping you enjoy them!

Game 1: Pittsburgh: 2 Detroit: 5

Game 2: Pittsburgh: 3 Detroit: 6

Game 3: Detroit:3 Pittsburgh: 4 (OT)

Game 4: Detroit: 5 Pittsburgh: 1

Game 5: Pittsburgh: 2 Detroit: 3

Conn Smythe Winner: Chris Osgood

Leading Scorer: Pavel Datsyuk (In goals and points)