Big Papi's Press Conference: Using Movie Quotes (Satire)

Well folks, David Ortiz has finally decided to come out and speak to the media about his name being on the list of 104 people that tested positive for performance enhancing drugs prior to the 2003 season. Since the time it was first reported, media and fans, from Boston and around the country, have been curious as to how Ortiz would account for his inclusion on the list. Up until now, we’ve had to wait for Ortiz to conduct his own “investigation” into what he tested positive for and how it got into his body (B-12 anyone?). Well, the wait is finally over.

Given what he will likely say, which isn’t likely what we want to hear, why can’t we just sit back and imagine for a minute what Ortiz would say. If he could only use movie quotes to answer the questions...

 - “Thank you all for being here. As I have nothing to hide about my conduct, I will instead answer questions from each of you in turn rather than read from a prepared speech.”

 - “Mr. Ortiz, Tim Spankman from the New York Times. Can you tell us what it was you tested positive for?”

 - “This is a hybrid. This is a cross, ah, of Bluegrass, Kentucky Bluegrass, Featherbed Bent, andNorthern California Sensemilia. The amazing stuff about this is, that you can play 36 holes on it in the afternoon, take it home and just get stoned to the bejeezus-belt that night on this stuff.” (Carl Spackler, Caddieshack)

 - “Papi, Art Garfield, Springfield Gazette. Where did you get your performance enhancing drugs from?”

 - “From you, Dante.” (Mr. Cheezle, Grandma’s Boy)

 - “Jim Beavereater, New York Newsday. Mr. Ortiz, seriously, how did you come across the performance enhancing drugs?”

 - “Swanney taught us to adore and respect the national health service. For it was the source of much of our gear. We stole drugs. We stole prescriptions or bought them, sold them, swapped them, forged them, photocopied them. Or traded drugs with cancer victims, alcoholics, old-age pensioners, AIDS patients, epileptics, and bored housewives.” (Mark “Rent-Boy” Renton, Trainspotting)

 - “Mr. Ortiz, Erin Andrews – ESPN.  Can you tell us if your sudden drop-off in production is in relation to having stopping the use of performance enhancing drugs?”

 - “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines” (Steve McCroskey, Airplane)

 - “Papi, my name is Anita Bonita from City Live. In follow-up to Miss Andrews question, do you ever think you’ll get back to form without resorting to performance enhancers?”

 - “In eleven days I'm as good as skewered! Ever take your clothes off and run backwards through a cornfield?” (Kenny, Half-Baked)

- “Papi, Jeannie Zalasko, Fox Sports. How are you handling the public’s reaction to the news of your positive test?”

 - “Dude, on a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being not so extreme and 10 being extremely extreme, I give this a 9.5!” (Extreme Sports Punk #1, Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle)

- “And how about how the New York fans are treating you this weekend? Anywhere near how the Red Sox fans treated Alex Rodriguez earlier this year?”

 - “Nihilists! F@#k me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.” (Walter Sobchak, The Big Lebowski)

 “Hi David, Pearl Necklace, WNBC. Have you learned anything from this experience?”

 - “One of the things you learn from years of dealing with drug people, is that you can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug. Especially when it's waving a razor-sharp hunting knife in your eye.” (Rauol Duke, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas)

Alright, that wraps up this experiment in stupidity. Feel free to chime and speak your mind on what you read here.

Originally published at YouGabSports.com.