Philly Fans, Mark Teixeira, Marc Anthony, and Joba Chamberlain

Philadelphia Sports Fans Are Trash

A man was beaten to death in a savage and needless fracas that occurred outside of Citizen’s Bank Park in the final innings of the Philadelphia Phillies 14-6 home win versus the St. Louis Cardinals Saturday night. 

Police said brouhaha initially erupted between a group from a bachelor party and other drunk patrons inside McFadden’s Restaurant and Saloon next to the Phillies' ballpark.

Bouncers employed at the watering hole were reportedly able to successfully eject the brawling degenerates from the establishment.  

However, the melee, which involved as many as 30 patrons, moved outside into parking lot "M".

When the vicious bloodbath that originated over a spilled cup of beer ended, 22-year-old Lansdale resident David Sale was taken to the University of Pennsylvania's Hospital, where he was pronounced dead at approximately 8 PM.

"One of the individuals was holding him (Sale) in a headlock, while the other two were beating him," Captain James Clark explained. "He went down to the ground, on all fours, and then they started kicking him and stomping him, until he went unconscious. And even after that, we have information they continued to kick and stomp him."

Authorities said Charles Bowers, 35, James Groves, 45, and Francis Kirchner, 28, have been charged with murder in the attack. 

Shockingly, all three “City of Brotherly Love” scumbags have prior criminal records.

Saturday’s fatal incident is the latest chapter in the notorious history of Philadelphia’s disgusting and subhuman sports fan base. 

To name only a few despicable Philly episodes, these worthless, cheese-steak-eating cretins have gunned snowballs at Santa Clause, shot a flare gun across a live playing field, and thrown D-Cell batteries at Cardinals' outfielder J.D. Drew, after he understandably rebuffed the Phillies' offer to play for them. 

In 1997, actions of Philadelphia Eagles fans during a 34-0 blowout loss to the Dallas Cowboys were so barbaric that the city assigned a Municipal Court Judge, Seamus McCaffrey, to Veterans Stadium, to preside over the legions of trash banished from the stands. 

Supporters of Philadelphia sports teams are a largely pathetic excuses for life and they need to be exiled from the world of athletics for the greater benefit of society.

There are three, albeit extremely unlikely, possible solutions for dealing with these immoral miscreants from the Keystone State. 

One potential resolution would be to administer extensive background checks on every lowlife that attempts to enter a sports event in the city of Philadelphia.

Granted, because most Philadelphians have rap sheets, no contest would ever be filled to capacity.

But, attending games in "The Quaker City" would be a vastly more enjoyable experience. 

Another idea would be to mandate that all ticket holders must pass a breathalyzer test, before they are permitted to enter the stadium. 

Again, because Philly fans require mass quantities of alcohol to survive, no contest would ever be filled to capacity.

But, attending games in “The Quaker City” would be a vastly more enjoyable experience. 

Lastly, the four major sports commissioners could convene and immediately disband all of Philadelphia’s professional sports teams. 

Frankly, the last option sounds the most appealing. 

"Filth-adelphia" is also known as "The Birthplace of America".

For the betterment of civilization, all athletic franchises based in Philadelphia should be removed from the American sports landscape without exception.

The Yankees Are Better Because Teixeira Doesn't Wear a Thong

The New York Yankees defeated the Tampa Bay Rays last night to extend their lead in the American League East to 3.5 games over the rival Boston Red Sox.

New York has recently flourished after a shaky start to their year because they have received timely hitting as well as superb pitching from both their starting rotation and bullpen.

Nevertheless, the acquisition of Teixeira, 29, and his impact on the Yankees from both defensive and offensive standpoints, can’t be discounted.

Last December, Teixeira, a two-time All-Star selection and two-time Gold Glove Award winner, signed a contract with the Yankees worth $180 million over eight years.

Teixeira’s arrival signified the conclusion of the dreaded Jason Giambi era in Gotham.

Equally as much on and off the field, the upstanding and clean-cut Teixeira is the pleasant antithesis of Giambi.

In 2001, Giambi, 38, a five-time All-Star and the winner of the 2000 AL MVP, snipped his greasy locks, shaved his scraggly goatee, and agreed to a ludicrous seven-year deal with the Yankees for $120 million.

Giambi, who has curiously never once blinked in his lifetime and admits to periodically wearing a gold lame, tiger-stripe thong under his uniform, is by most accounts a good teammate.

Still, his steroid-marred tenure in pinstripes can only be deemed an utter failure.

Giambi batted a paltry .254 during his overstay in the Big Apple and his fielding at the first base position was a glaring liability that constantly left the Yankees at a disadvantage.

On the contrary, Teixeira is a legitimate defensive wizard who has revolutionized the Yankees once spotty infield play.

Teixeira, who won the Dick Howser Trophy as the national collegiate baseball player of the year in 2001, when he attended Georgia Tech University, has already prevented a litany of errors for New York with his stellar glove, after only 94 games played for them to date.

Additionally, Teixeira is a far more stable presence at the plate than "juice-head" Giambi ever was for the Bombers and he is currently batting .281 with 25 home runs and 72 RBI.

In May 2007, Giambi told USA Today that he "was wrong for using" steroids and that he “made a mistake".

The Yankees "made a mistake" too, when they signed Giambi.

However, New York’s hierarchy was absolutely correct to court Teixeira, as his vast overall abilities may help propel the Yankees to their 27th championship in team history.

No matter what the ultimate outcome of the 2009 baseball season is, at least the Yankees no longer employ a first baseman who is known to prance around the diamond in erotic women’s lingerie.

With Marc Anthony as an Owner, the Fish Won't Win Until 2073

Latin pop singer Marc Anthony officially became a minority owner of the Miami Dolphins last week.

New Dolphins' owner Stephen M. Ross decided to add Anthony, 40, as an investor after he received a call from a lawyer who suggested he meet with Jennifer Lopez’s b*tch.

The best-selling Salsa singer of all-time called investing in the teal and pink clad franchise, that hasn’t won a championship since 1973, "A dream come true, a no-brainer.”

"What was interesting was you couldn’t help, but be a Miami fan, it’s almost like America’s team," claimed Anthony in a baffling and ridiculous statement. "Being born and raised here in New York, East Harlem, you’d think Jets or Giants, but you were always aware of the Miami Dolphins and what (Dan) Marino was doing."

In reality, it has been difficult to be "aware" of The Fish, at all, for quite some time now. 

Miami has qualified for the playoffs only twice this decade and they have not appeared in the Super Bowl since 1984. 

The curiously colored organization rebounded nicely last year, following a disgraceful 1-15 season in 2007, and they surprisingly captured the AFC East crown.

Bill Parcells, a two-time Super Bowl winning coach, who was named Executive Vice President of the Dolphins' Football Operations after the 2007 debacle, has done a tremendous job in helping to restore credibility to Miami’s once rudderless organization. 

Nevertheless, the addition of Skeletor Anthony, in any capacity whatsoever, can only be considered a setback for fans of The Fins.

"Just listening to Marc, his enthusiasm…he really has great ideas," Ross said. 

Anthony is scheduled to perform the National Anthem at the Dolphins' October 12 Monday Night game versus the New York Jets at Land Mark Stadium.

J-Lo’s whipping boy said some aspects of his ownership will be difficult because he, "Still has to talk with (his) father-in-law, who is a huge Jets fan."

The Latin icon once wrote and sang a song titled, I Need to Know. In the homoerotic melody, Anthony sings, "They say around the way, you’ve asked for me. There’s even talk about you wanting me."

Ross wanted Anthony on his team. Apparently, “they say around the way,” the new owner of the Fish must not want to win.

The Best Way To Get Joba Hurt Is to Limit His Innings

New York Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain had his third consecutive stellar outing since the All-Star break in a 6-2 victory over the Tampa Bay Rays last night.  

Chamberlain, 23, who had posted a 6.75 ERA and allowed 27 hits over three straight no-decisions prior to the Midsummer Classic, hurled seven dominant innings versus the A’s and allowed just three hits over eight scoreless innings versus the Rays.

"I’m just having fun, getting back to being myself," said Chamberlain, who is now 7-2 with a0.83 ERA in three starts after the All-Star break.

Despite his recent dynamic performances and the soaring velocity on his pitches of late, the Bombers' hierarchy intends to dramatically limit the number of innings that Joba will throw henceforth. 

Chamberlain has currently thrown 110-and-two-thirds innings and the Nebraska native is not expected to exceed 160 frames in total this year.

If the Bombers refuse to waiver on their cockamamie plan, the revised “Joba Rules” will provide Chamberlain with approximately 11 starts for the remainder of this season. 

The former University of Nebraska star appears to be on the cusp of becoming a reliable and effective major league starter and the Yankees simply can’t afford to coddle Chamberlain as they make their playoff push in mid-September. 

"It’s something I don’t think about," claimed Chamberlain. "I’m going to try to not worry about it now."

The Yankees treat Chamberlain’s right arm as though it is a hotter commodity than a pirated videotape of Erin Andrews frolicking around her hotel in the buff. 

To a degree, it is understandable that the Bombers pamper Chamberlain. 

New York’s 41st overall selection in the 2006 Major League Baseball Draft is homegrown talent and the Yankees are determined to again legitimize their farm system. 

Additionally, Bronx suits are likely fretting over the fate of Cleveland Indians starter Fausto Carmona.

Like Joba, Carmona premiered out of the bullpen before he ascended to become the Indians No. 5 starter in 2007. Carmona initially flourished in Cleveland’s starting rotation, until injuries ultimately derailed his career. 

Granted, football and baseball are dramatically different sports. Nevertheless, gridiron legend Bill Parcells was once quoted as saying, “The best way to get a player hurt is to try and not get him hurt."

If New York wants to protect Joba Chamberlain, they should continue to send him to the hill every fifth day without restrictions. 

If the Yankees don’t heed Parcells’ sage advice, they might just “get him hurt.”

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