Armstrong Wins 44th Tour de France on Eve of 100th Birthday (Satire)

Le Lanterne RougeContributor IJuly 26, 2009

EURO DISNEY, FRANCE, July 29, 2071 – Lance Armstrong wrapped up the overall title today in the 2071 Tour de France, and increased his record of Tour trophies to forty four.  In what has largely become a non-event due to its predictability, Armstrong is certain to win the now one-man race by simply finishing. 

Since 2049, other pro riders have refused to enter the event, both out of fear and respect for the aging Armstrong. 

“He wins anyway if we are there, so why race?” says Thrzx Novowels of the Latvian squad Knrpt Wsdjg (formerly Bvrd Ptrsjm).  “It is futile.  I’d rather focus on races where I have a chance of winning.  With Lance on the start list, forget it.  How would it look to lose to some old guy with a drool cup?”

In 2052, the finish was moved away from the city center to Euro Disney after promoters relented to mounting pressure from Parisian officials.  “We are not going to shut down the Champs-Élysées so one goddam American can parade around on his bike around for a few hours,” says Paris mayor, Francois Routin.

The only rider who even comes close to Lance’s record is his own son, Luke, who won Le Grand Boucle twenty six straight times from 2022-2047.  “It was tough finishing a step down from my own son those years,” says the elder Armstrong.  “I was incredibly proud of him, but those were some pretty tense years between Luke and me.  We've only recently resumed correspondence, though he's probably just trying to get back in my will.”

Luke’s success in the event added even more fuel to the love-hate relationship between the French and the dominant Armstrong father-son duo.  “The Tour historians are pissed because they now have to put our entire first names in the book, they can’t just put an ‘L.’  Hah!  Suck on that, Frenchies!!”

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About his son’s decision to leave the sport and leave his dad as the sole event participant, Armstrong continues, “Ultimately, I kicked his ass.  He retired when he was only in his late forties.  I still ride him about that.”

Though nearing 100, the spry Armstrong is still a force on a bike.  To account for his age, the event has been stretched over the years from three weeks to its present duration of nearly four months.  In its heyday, Tour de France stages were commonly well over 100 miles long, but, explains Armstrong, “Now, after 10 miles, I’m pooped and need a nap.”

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