Eagles Cartoons Show Fans How to Raise Kids, Promote Defecating on Cowboys Logo

If you don’t scream in your child’s face or feed them their daily, cheese-covered meat hoagie, you’re not raising them to be a proper Philadelphia Eagles fan. 

Or so goes the wisdom of the franchise’s latest faux-fan education campaign—a tongue-in-cheek series of cartoons showing Eagles fans how to rear their children the Philly way. 

Titled, “How To Raise an Eagles Fan,” the comics (created by designer Matthew Schwenk) give parents “advice” concerning how to bring their kid up to be a proud Philadelphia Eagles fan.

First off, always use a high-powered bullhorn to serenade your infant with fight songs. That’s day one stuff.

Eagles / Matthew Schwenk

If your child is old enough to go to school, make sure their lunch is packed with enough sodium to de-ice the driveway. You don’t want them cramping up out there. 

Eagles / Matthew Schwenk

Last, but not least, introduce them to rivals early. It’s key they learn to associate the Cowboys with bowel movements before their first steps.

Eagles / Matthew Schwenk

You can visit the Eagles website for the rest of the comics, which include tea parties with Malcolm Jenkins and catch with Nick Foles. They’re entertaining, if not entirely inadvisable in some cases. 

Well done, Philadelphia. This is a funny concept pulled off with only a mild-to-moderate risk that certain fans will take it seriously and start screaming Eagles chants at their children through microphones.* 

*Please do not do this.

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