Sports Fans Who Totally Weren't Drunk

Matt Haupert@@matthaupFeatured ColumnistJuly 7, 2014

Sports Fans Who Totally Weren't Drunk

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    Eduardo Verdugo/Associated Press

    In sports there is always time for celebration.

    Nobody in the world is better at celebrating than sports fans. Indeed, sports fans go to unimaginable extremes to celebrate their teams and project their pride to the world.

    They paint their faces. They scream and shout and blow out their voices. They streak across the field in the freezing cold.

    But they definitely, absolutely, without a doubt totally never consume alcohol.

    So let us celebrate with those who know how to celebrate best—sports fans who are filled with passion, bursting with pride and are definitely, absolutely not drunk.

The Guy Who Loves Popcorn More Than Sports

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    Eating popcorn is a difficult task and, without a doubt, a work of art.

    This guy is the absolute master, not just eating his popcorn, but showering himself in it, bathing in the buttery glory of his snacks.

    Apparently the only man in his entire section, he appears perfectly content—after all, what more does a man need than his popcorn? And it’s totally safe to assume this gentleman has steered very clear of alcohol while watching the game. How else would he have been able to perfect such a flawless technique?

Footracing Bears Fans

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    Sports fans are, by their very nature, competitive beings—and these Bears fans are no exception to the rule, engaging in a heated footrace along a city sidewalk.

    Though these two guys are completely sober and in the perfect state for participating in athletic competition, their race is compromised by a street sign that was placed right on their racetrack!

    Someone needs to contact the city and figure out what happened here, because these two track stars just had their very important race ruined by a sign that inadvertently leaped onto the sidewalk where it didn’t belong. What a shame.

Clemson Fan Gets on TV

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    Sports fans exist with exactly two purposes: somehow will your team to victory from the stands, and get on TV.

    Most fans don’t succeed at the latter. This man is not most fans.

    The Clemson fan jammed into the background makes his presence very known as he rips off his shirt and pours what I’m sure is soda into his open mouth.

    If getting noticed in the background of College GameDay is the sign you’ve truly made in life, then this guy is an A-list celebrity.

Overly Dedicated Cubs Fan

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    Opening Day is one of the greatest days of the year for Cubs fans, as it usually marks the final day they’re really in contention for the playoffs. Nevertheless, Cubs fans have an unconditional love for their favorite team and are some of the most passionate fans in all of sports.

    This woman was so excited for another disappointing Cubs season that she actually slept under a table the night before their first game so she could be the first fan in the bar hours and hours before the game had even started.

    The fan then explains exactly what keeps her, and Cubs fans in general, coming back day after day and year after year: Wings. Beer deals. Hot guys.

    As a Cubs fan, I just hope and pray that some time in the next decade, baseball will at least be in the top 10.

Man vs. Mascot

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    Getting in a fight with a professional athlete would likely not end well for most of the out-of-shape fans who populate the sports world. As this Houston Rockets fan proved, going up against a mascot can be just as dangerous.

    After getting beer dumped on him by a drunk fan, the Utah Jazz mascot was quick to get his revenge, dumping a bucket of water on the fan.

    Utah is still searching desperately for a way to translate the mascot's intensity and will to win onto the actual basketball team.

Yankee Fans Celebrate

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    Disclaimer: Video contains NSFW language.

    Everyone hates the Yankees. Everyone hates Yankees fans. Everyone hates parades.

    Put the three together and you get the chaotic disaster that is the video above.

    At the parade following the Yankees' 2009 World Series victory, these sober and sophisticated fans display their intelligence and humility, showing off sweet Yankees merch such as Derek Jeter fragrance.

    Apparently for the fans in New York, even a World Series victory doesn't smell as sweet as their star shortstop.

    Jeter has given a lot to this sport in his illustrious career, which will come to an end after this season. Thanks to these savvy entrepreneurs, at least we'll never have to say goodbye to his scent.

Stumbling Vikings Fan

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    Disclaimer: Video contains NSFW language.

    Vikings fans don't usually have a whole lot to celebrate. When they get a chance, they celebrate hard.

    This guy was so overjoyed just by the fact that he was at a Vikings game—there doesn't appear to be anything actually happening on the field—that he literally can't even keep his balance.

    The game doesn't appear to have actually started yet, which makes total sense when you think about it. The more you drink before the game, the less likely you are to remember the inevitably disappointing results.

Sad Packers Fan

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    Watching your favorite sports team lose is hard, but it's especially hard when you are completely 100 percent responsible, as this woman was.

    As we learn from the video, this fan irresponsibly chose to wear sparkles on her fingernails and not wear her Aaron Rodgers jersey to a game against the Giants, thus condemning her team to lose the contest.

    I don't know who put this lady in charge of the entire supply of magic sparkles and supernatural Aaron Rodgers, but whomever it was needs to be fired immediately. If those sparkles can't be more carefully managed in the future, the fate of this team is forever doomed.

Cardinals Fan Loses to Gravity

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    Disclaimer: Video contains NSFW language.

    If the Cardinals and Cubs think they have an intense rivalry on the field, they must have never seen what goes on outside of the walls.

    These two rival fans put into perspective how rough things can get outside of games, engaging in an all-out brawl that includes one missed kick, sending the Cardinals fan plummeting to the ground.

    It's nice to know Cardinals fans are just as embarrassing off the field as the Cubs team is on the field.

The Guy Who Danced Too Hard

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    A lot of fans think they really love their teams. A lot of fans do a great deal to demonstrate their love in really extreme ways.

    But no fan has truly reached the full potential of his fanship until he has danced so hard that he truly can dance no more, like gentleman in the video above so nobly demonstrates.

    Happy Fourth of July, folks. Now get dancing.

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