The All Superhero Football Team

Max KienzlerAnalyst IMay 6, 2009

... and no, I am not talking about the Chicago Bears.

I know this has been written before somewhere online, but I was sitting at a bar one Sunday night with a couple friends and somehow or another we got into this argument about Superheroes and who would make the best athlete and that progressed into the greatest football team of Superheroes. It got pretty heated, but when the dust settled this is what we came up with and why.

First, a couple notes: 

  • The Superhero defense is set at a 3-4. We had a difficult time coming up with enough total lineman that we decided to go with the times and adjust to our current set up.
  • Despite them all being Superheros, we agreed it only fair that there are no two-way players. 
  • They had to be male, sorry ladies. 
  • They had to be heroes, no villains included, although vigilantes were acceptable. 
  • We were slightly biased as a majority of the debaters were more Marvel fans than DC


Quarterback: Captain America

- Born leader. Tough as nails and you know can come through in crunch time. There were other choices, some obvious, like Superman, and some more subtle, like Gambit. But in the end, leadership and intangibles were high on our list and we liked Captain America's overall size. Plus, we felt Superman might be better utilized elsewhere.

Fullback: Cannonball

- This was a sleeper choice. Cannonball was part of the X-men series of Marvel. He can create a thermal chemical energy that allows him to be propelled through the air at great speed, perfect for making a hole for the running back. The energy can also allow him to form into an impenetrable wall, which makes him a potential Pro Bowler at picking up the blitz.

Running back: Wolverine

- While overall speed might be lacking, through his sheer intensity and will, he will be tough to bring down. With Wolverine following Cannonball, you can almost guarantee success inside the red zone. Also take into account his incredibly fast healing powers and you have a ferocious running back who you can rely on year after year.

Tight End: Iron Man

- Smart, quick, strong and a keen sense of perception all lead us to believe that Iron Man is the perfect fit at tight end. While he may lack the overall height, we believe that he has the strength, footwork and mindset to be able to both block and catch. He also trained under Captain America once, so the chemistry between QB and TE is definitely there.

Wide Receiver: Flash

- Obvious choice here. Speed and quickness. But one also has to take into account his ability to react at superhuman speed also, which means he can snag a frozen rope pass out of the air over the middle, allowing him to be more than just a deep threat.

Wide Receiver: Green Lantern

- This was a heavily debated selection. Others that were argued for included the Arc Angel, Spiderman, and the Human Torch. We finally settled on the Green Lantern because HE HAS A RING! You cannot minimize the effectiveness of a savvy vet that already has a ring. His powers also include the ability to "walk through walls," which means he is great at breaking tackles and gaining yards after contact. AND HE ALREADY HAS A RING!

Left Tackle: The Thing

- Incredible strength, resistance to injury and possessing superhuman stamina, the Thing is the perfect combination of ability and smarts to protect Captain America's blindside. While mobility might come into question, it is said that his reaction time and reflexes are still in top shape.

Left Guard: Colossus

- Standing at an imposing 7'5“, Colossus is not your prototypical guard. However, his strength, durability and stamina make him an excellent choice for offensive line, so he could be moved back and forth as needed. He can withstand any temperature (which is helpful because this team is an outdoor team...none of this indoor turf crap and he does not require water when in form, which means he will not suffer dehydration.

Center: The Beast

- The Beast is really exactly how a center should be. Smart, quick, durable, agile, balanced, and flexible. (Think Olin Kruetz.) He also is shorter than most, which gives him a low center of gravity and allows him to get underneath a defensive tackle. His hands are also large and strong and that means even during bad weather, he should have no trouble making the snap.

Right Guard: Warpath

- Part of X-force in Marvel, Warpath has many similar qualities to the rest of the offensive line. He is strong, quick, agile, and a high endurance. He has incredible reflexes and possesses superhuman senses. He also has a mean streak a mile long, which is exactly what we need from the O-line.

Right Tackle: He-Man

- Strong, fast, and acrobatic, this choice as a complete wildcard. When trying to decide on who to put here, in arguably the most important position on the field, it took several more drinks and a few phone calls (my brother in NY finally came through in the clutch) to come to the "most powerful man in the universe.” He-Man is an icon and will keep his head under stressful times. A real cornerstone of the offensive line.


Strong Safety: Cable

- When it came down to it, there was a debate over whether Cable or Wolverine should be strong safety. In the end, Cable was selected because it was thought Wolverine would make a superb running back. And it is the right call. Cable is strong, mean, and durable. And what he lacks in overall speed he makes up for with his techno-organic eye, which enhances his eyesight, and his telepathic ability, which would allow him to basically read the QB's mind and react before the pass is even thrown or the runner makes a cut.

Free Safety: Spiderman

- Obviously. Between his quickness, superhuman speed, his spider sense, and his balance and webbing, this was the easiest pick of the entire night.

Cornerback: Nightcrawler

- Also an easy choice, Nightcrawler can teleport, which means his recovery "speed" is unmatched. He also has superhuman agility, flexibility, and keen eyesight. He also has a tail that can lift a human. I am not sure how that is helpful, but I figure it can't hurt either.

Cornerback: Human Torch

- This was a tough one to come to. Debated between him and the Iceman we had to discuss other positions and then come back to this one. Overall, I think we got our guy. Most importantly, this cornerback will never get burned by a wide receiver. Add in his moxy and flair for the dramatic and you have a photocopy of Deion Sanders to lock-down anyone trying to go deep.

Outside Linebacker: Batman

- Although he fits the physical description needed for an outside linebacker, Batman was a difficult choice due to the fact he has no superpowers. Despite that, his combination of size, speed, overall athletic skills and his adaptability make him a strong candidate for OLB. With his frame, he should be able to take on the lead blocker or cover a tight end.

Outside Linebacker: The Punisher

- Another very difficult decision due to the simple humanness. But, much like Batman, is overall body type fits that of an outside linebacker. He brings the nastiness to the defense. He is out there to hit, smack, tackle, and maybe even eye gouge a bit. Being on the outside allow him to roam and clean up tackles. He also is the one that every opposing signal caller will be worried about. He will also undoubtedly lead the team in penalties.

Inside Linebacker: Superman

- Say what you want to about the OLB choices, with Superman on the inside, this defense is solid. Superhuman strength, speed, leaping abilities (which could also be effective on punt and field goal blocks) super-hearing and eyesight along with impenetrable skin makes Superman the future Hall-Of-Famer at the linebacker position.

Inside Linebacker: Bishop

- Another surprise, the debate over the style of defense was centered around who would play the D-line and if we wanted to take Superman out of the MLB position. Once Bishop was brought into the discussion, the 3-4 defense was sold.

Also a human, Bishop's incredible athletic ability and build made a good argument. Add in his mutant powers of absorbing energy and releasing it back out makes him prime for blowing up running lanes and getting through blockers when blitzing. His skills in drawing in energy also boosts his strength, endurance, and healing abilities. Also known for a bit of a mean streak.

Left Defensive End: Thor

-With the combination of strength, speed, insane reflexes, never-ending stamina, agility and the occasional burst of whats been called "Warriors Madness," which increases his strength tenfold (had to look that up on Wikipedia) Thor is a perfect defensive end. He should have no trouble stopping the run and getting up-field at the QB.

Nose Tackle: The Incredible Hulk

- The Hulk as nose tackle was also a very easy decision. Once David Banner unleashes the anger, no center/guard in the world will be able to hold back the fury. His abilities also allow him to deflect abuse and protect him from injury. He can also leap across continents and is very fast for someone so large.

Right Defensive End: Earth Lord

- Earth Lord came from Earth Force out of Marvel. He can draw energy from the Earth which can allow him to grow in the upwards of 12 feet tall and an unknown weight. At his peak, it is said that he can lift up to 100 tons. Highly resistant to injury, Earth Lord almost guarantees that no one is running his way and no one is getting a pass over the line of scrimmage.


Kicker/Punter: Iceman

- A more difficult choice, the Iceman was set upon because of his ability to play in any weather and his character. And no one, I mean no one, is going to be able to freeze him by calling a time out late in games. He is a stone-cold kicker.

Head Coach: Xavier

- Do I even need to justify this one?