Alternative English Football End-of-Season Awards for 2012/13

The real end of season awards for English football were pretty dull. Gareth Bale won everything, apart from Sir Alex Ferguson who won the manger's award just because he is retiring (winning the league might have something to do with it too.)

So we're going to do our own end of season awards, handing out prizes for entertainment value not talent.

So you wont find your Bales, Van Persies or Suarez here...

...unless they've had their ears pinned back, been "nearly killed" by a football or started biting defenders.

Alternative Player of the Season: Glenn Whelan

We're giving our player of the season award to Glenn Whelan. Not because he's played particularly (or at all) well, but because we feel sorry for him.

It all started with an end of season "prank" this month when Stoke City's Kenwyne Jones found a pig's head in his locker in the club's changing room.

An angered Jones took revenge—in the style of a Street Fighter II bonus round—by smashing up Glenn Whelan's car.

The problem is that it turns out Whelan wasn't behind the pig's head. So he had his car crashed for no reason.

Jones has apologized, but we don't think that's enough. Have an award, Glenn.

Exit of the Season: Paolo Di Canio

When Di Canio was hired as Sunderland manager, he made quite an entrance. A politician even resigned because of his appointment.

He also knows how to make an exit.

When Di Canio left his post as Swindon Town manager (a club where his politics didn't matter for some reason) in February, he was caught breaking into the ground a few days after leaving.

The Independent reported:

"

The Italian, who left the League One club on Monday, returned at 11:50pm on Wednesday night and let himself into his office using keys from his time in charge.

Di Canio was allegedly caught on CCTV, accompanied by a member of his backroom team, removing photographs from his successful spell as boss from the walls.

The club have now changed the codes on the stadium entrance and replaced the locks to his office.

"

Breaking into a football club 10 minutes before midnight.

Peter Odemwingie could learn a lot from Paolo.

Worst Sportsmanship of the Season: Brighton & Hove Albion

We are giving our Sportsmanship awards to Championship side Brighton & Hove Albion.

Following their playoff semi-final defeat to Crystal Palace earlier this month, they suspended their manager and left human excrement on the victorious Palace's dressing room floor.

And you thought refusing to shake hands was bad sportsmanship?

Alan Hansen Award: QPR Fan Who Wanted Harry Redknapp to Save Them

The worst prediction of the season award is named in honor of Alan Hansen, who invented terrible predictions by saying "You can't win anything with kids" at the start of the 1995/96 season about a Manchester United team that would go on to win the league and cup.

This season's Alan Hansen award goes to the QPR fan who unveiled a banner saying "HARRY COME AND SAVE US" while Mark Hughes was still manager.

That fan got his wish. Harry Redknapp took over from Hughes in November and led them to a 20th-placed finish in the league, 14 points from safety.

Animal of the Season: Unnamed Police Horse

Too often is the animal kingdom overlooked in end-of-season awards.

We're awarding our animal of the season to this anonymous police horse who not only performs a great job enforcing human law, but had to endure being punched by a rioting Newcastle United fan following their Tyne-Wear derby loss to Sunderland.

An honorable mention goes to the protest chickens that Blackburn Rovers fans keep releasing on the pitch at Ewood Park.

Anti-Climax of the Season: Eden Hazard's Debut

Before the start of the season, Belgian starlet Eden Hazard spent weeks on Twitter and in interviews, hinting and teasing us as to which team he would sign for, with Manchester United, Manchester City and Chelsea as the front-runners for his signature.

After all the cryptic tweets and riddles, Hazard finally announced he was signing for Chelsea.

So, with all this hype, we waited with anticipation for Hazard's debut against Manchester City in the Community Shield...

...he tried a trick, fell over and Chelsea lost.

Worth the wait.

Most Ambitious Player: Julio Cesar

When 2009 Ballon d'Or nominee and two-time Serie A Goalkeeper Of The Year Julio Cesar signed for Queens Park Rangers in August, some eyebrows were raised.

Cesar explained why he had joined QPR to the Daily Mail:

"

I have many dreams at QPR.To play well for the fans, the manager, the chairman and myself. And eventually finish in the top four and qualify for the Champions League and then one day win the Premier League.

"

Spoiler Alert: QPR fell slightly short of Cesar's ambitions.

Teamtalk of the Season: Phil Brown and Jeremy Kyle

Anyone who is familiar with the work of Southend United manager Phil Brown knows he is partial to an unconventional teamtalk.

So we have to hand it to him for Brown's thinking outside of the box when he got talk show host Jeremy Kyle, who has chaired over such debates as "Why deny paternity just because the baby is ginger?" and "Prove I'm the dad then I'll prove I haven't slept with my mum," to give the pre-match teamtalk for Southend's last game of the League 2 season.

Southend lost 1-0.

Interview of the Season: Joey Barton

It may have been in France, but he was on loan from a Premier League club at the time. So The Alternative End Of Season English Football Awards are still claiming this.

You've seen it 100 times before, at least. But it's worth just one more watch. Maybe two.

Joey Barton forgetting he wasn't French.

Magnifique.