College Football: Screw the Computers, Here Is MY Formula for the BCS Rankings

In a college football season in which we would love to cut the red tape on this new four-team playoff that will debut in 2014, we simply won’t be allowed to do so.

There’s a high likelihood that an unbeaten team or two (or more) could be left out of the championship game, and that would—to use a scientific football term—absolutely suck. So we’re left with this Zombie BCS, which I totally want to hit with a hammer, and a debate over which of the four teams at the top—Alabama, Kansas State, Oregon and Notre Dame—belong in the title game when the dust has finally settled. 

Did I mention that this sucks? Good. 

Barring massive chaos in coming weeks, BCS chaos appears unavoidable.

So let’s ditch it. If we’re going to go down in flames, we might as well jump on the fire with pockets packed with Bottle Rockets and a backpack full of gasoline. Consider this my leap over the giant shark lingering below and into the flame-bursting abyss.

I’ve devised my own BCS Formula—The BRO Championship Series—to accurately determine which teams should be playing for the national championship this season. Forget decimals, style points, Harris Poll voters (oh, they are awful) and scheduling minutia—we’re tackling the hard-hitting qualities like key victories, mascots, tailgates and leading hair follicles.

The formula (named after bros) is quite simple. Using the top four unbeaten teams according to the Zombie BCS, we’re breaking down each team’s excellence in a variety of “important” categories. The top team for that category will get four points, the second-place team will get three, third place will get two and the team that finishes last will get one.

The two teams with the most points at the end will make up this year’s national title game. If one of these teams happens to lose before the end of the season, the team next in line will replace it.

This, of course, is a staple of the BRO Championship Series, Bro.

BRO Category One: Best Uniforms

Oh, Oregon. You and your hallucinogenic, reflection lovin’ threads just get it. You know BROS, that's for certain.

You’re bright, even obnoxious at times, but most of your uniform combos are works of “We Shouldn’t Have Ate All of Those ‘Shrooms” art. This is a compliment, and you’re the runaway here.

Notre Dame’s classy attire—assuming those “attempts” from the Miami game earlier this year have been blasted into the sun—are second in this one, followed closely by Alabama’s vintage crimson look. Kansas State is up against some monsters here, and it gets a point for making purple look better than average.

Updated BRO Rankings: 1. Oregon (4), 2. Notre Dame (3), 3. Alabama (2), 4. Kansas State (1)

BRO Category Two: Best Player

We begin the on-field football chatter, and this is incredibly difficult. The BRO Championship Series is always up for the fanbase trolling, though, and troll it will.

Notre Dame gets the edge here with linebacker Manti Te’o over Kansas State and quarterback Collin Klein. Oregon’s running machine Kenjon Barner rounds out the podium, while QB A.J. McCarron gives Alabama a firm grasp of the four spot. 

You can’t lose with any of these selections, although in this instance you actually can lose. You can also lose if you’re my 2009 Nissan Altima, which undoubtedly has its windshield missing and “ROLL [expletive deleted] TIDE” spray-painted on the front hood by now.

Updated BRO Rankings: 1. Notre Dame (7), 2. Oregon (6), 3. Kansas State (4) 4. Alabama (3)

 

BRO Category Three: Best Mascot

Large furry heads and sideline supporters are important in this equation, and the final four present interesting selection scenarios. Although I respect Willie the Wildcat’s improved tackling technique for Kansas State, Puddles—Oregon’s familiar, crowd-surfin’ duck—takes the honors here. He’s a pro, a heavyweight, and he’ll fight you if necessary. Big Al, Alabama’s lovable flimsy-trunked elephant, grabs three points as the second selection.

Willie the Wildcat certainly made this a difficult decision, but he takes home the bronze here. The Leprechaun of Notre Dame is fourth, although please don’t take that as an insult, Irish fans. This is tough company.

A leprechaun and a large angry cat will now confront me in a dark alley, and I will offer up treats and Guinness as an attempt to avoid an embarrassing beat-down.

Updated BRO Rankings: 1. Oregon (10), 2. Notre Dame (8), 3-tied. Alabama (6), 3-tied. Kansas State (6)

BRO Category Four: Best Win in 2012

We turn our focus back to the on-the-field accolades, and this is where controversy could hit the BRO hard. Prepare yourself, Oregon bros.

The Crimson Tide are a clear top choice here with their win at LSU at night last week, and they are rewarded four points for doing so. Both Kansas State and Notre Dame beat Oklahoma in Norman, but we’re giving the tiebreaker edge to Kansas State because Bill Snyder is the kind of guy that should never lose a tiebreaker.

Respect your elders.

Oregon’s schedule—which includes games against Washington State, Colorado, Tennessee Tech and some kids playing at recess down the street—took home one point in fourth.

Updated BRO Rankings: 1. Oregon (11), 2-tied. Alabama (10), 2-tied. Notre Dame (10), 4. Kansas State (9)

BRO Category Five: Best Tailgating Scene

Why tailgating, you ask? I’m sorry, did you just ask why tailgating? I thought so.

Our BroCS machine—aka, some guy we’re giving a Red Lobster Gift Card to for writing all of this down—began chanting “S-E-C” once this topic surfaced. Indeed, and Alabama tops the BRO ranking here for the magic and sometimes terrifying tomfoolery that takes place in Tuscaloosa.

Eugene, Oregon, comes away with three crucial points for its  Pac-12 dedication, while the flat but historic South Bend, Indiana, come in third. We see you, Manhattan, Kansas, and we respect your love for your coach and your team. You’re just too nice, though.

 I’m sorry, but kindness is killer here. Stop being so nice and friendly to everyone.

Updated BRO Rankings: 1-ties. Oregon (14), 1-tied. Alabama (14), 2. Notre Dame (12), 4. Kansas State (10)

BRO Category Six: Best Name on Roster

Names that matter are also being recognized for their excellence, and once again Alabama earns four points thanks to sophomore defensive back Ha'Sean Clinton-Dix, who also goes by Ha Ha. When you are dominated by a young man named Ha Ha, you have truly been dominated.

Notre Dame grabs three points thanks to freshman linebacker Romeo Okwara. I assume if you’re named Romeo, you are automatically a huge hit with the ladies, so congrats must be passed along.

Kansas State lineman Boston Stiverson grabs third with a name that would be fun to say with a fake East Coast accent, while Oregon lineman Axel McQuaw comes in fourth. It should be noted that any lineman named Axel, Biff, Bulk, Meat, Large or Slow deserves some sort of medal.

Updated BRO Rankings: 1. Alabama (18), 2-tied. Oregon (15), 2-tied. Notre Dame (15) 4. Kansas State (12)

FINAL BRO Category: Best Head of Hair on a Head Coach

And it all comes down to this very important final BRO Category to determine our national championship. Alabama—which is on a bit of a BRO roll—stays on a roll and gets in thanks to Nick Saban’s hair, which looks like it belongs on some historic congressman or that guy at your local golf course who wears jeans.

Brian Kelly edges out the others with the “Pretty Much What Everybody’s Boss Has” hairstyle, while Bill Snyder holds down third with his magnificent 73-year-old hairdo. At his age, he still often surveys the sideline without a cap, and he’s happy to show it off. Bless him for it and get off his lawn.

Chip Kelly rounds out the four with his hair that has clearly been impacted by extreme visor wearing, and in this instance it's costing his team dearly.

With all the important aspects of the four teams accounted for, we are left with our first official BRO Standings and our championship game.

Drumroll, please...

FINAL BRO CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES STANDINGS

1. Alabama (22)

2. Notre Dame (18)

3. Oregon (16) 

4. Kansas State (14)

According to our advanced and scientific football selection system, it will be Alabama and Notre Dame that meet in the 2013 BCS National Championship Game. We apologize to Oregon and Kansas State fans for their unfortunate finish in the inaugural BCS and the disappointment they must be feeling right now.

We do want to congratulate them on tremendous seasons, however, and offer these "Thanks for Participating" stickers we got at a nearby Walgreens. Thanks, guys.

We were in need of an improved system with absolutely zero controversy, and we have it here. I'm also glad to see that Alabama finally caught a BCS break.