Terrell Owens Is a “Jerk-Off”

Cancerous wide receiver Terrell Owens signed a one-year, $6.5 million contract with the Buffalo Bills Saturday, less than one week after the Dallas Cowboys justifiably released the pathetic superstar.

By releasing Owens, 35, a six-time All-Pro selection who has recorded nine 1,000-yard seasons in the NFL, the Cowboys exhibited a classic example of addition by subtraction.

Owens is a self-serving, pompous prick and his malevolent presence in Valley Ranch ensured that a quality team like Dallas would never realize their championship aspirations.

In sharp contrast, by acquiring T.O., the Bills decidedly improved their somewhat lackluster roster for the upcoming 2009 season.

Buffalo, a proud franchise that hasn't qualified for the playoffs since 1999, was in need of a prolific threat on offense and, for a single year, Owens will undoubtedly provide that explosion.

It would be suicidal for an organization to sign Owens, who "accidentally overdosed" on hydrocodone in 2006, to a long-term agreement and it was prudent of Buffalo's hierarchy to offer the receiver a measly one-year pact.

"The Player," as legendary coach Bill Parcells dismissively referred to Owens, is a divisive individual who does not warrant any form of a guarantee or security. Still, largely because of his limited options and lack of professional comfort, Owens will likely thrive on the field in his inaugural campaign in Orchard Park.

However, after the initial honeymoon bliss erodes, history indicates that the "O.D." and Buffalo marriage will ultimately end in a nasty divorce.

The San Francisco 49ers drafted Owens out of the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga in the third round of the 1996 NFL draft.

Despite an average career on the gridiron, the 'Niners selected the "Mouth of the South" in the earlier rounds of the draft because he was a physical marvel who had also excelled playing basketball and running track at UTC.

Playing alongside his childhood idol, Jerry Rice, T.O. thrived running routes in the Bay Area and he quickly established himself as one of the elite receivers in the sport of football.

But instead of enjoying his accomplishments and savoring the ideal surroundings he was brought into, Owens became a dramatic diva who needlessly feuded with his Head Coach, Steve Mariucci, and quarterback, Jeff Garcia.

The disgusting product of Alexander City, AL eventually succeeded in his efforts to abandon his heart in San Francisco and he orchestrated his trade to the Philadelphia Eagles before the 2004 season.

In vintage Owens fashion, “the player” couldn't depart the Bay with even a granule of class and he maliciously insinuated in an interview with Playboy magazine that Garcia was gay despite the fact that the signal-caller is expecting his second child with his wife and the 2004 Playmate of the Year, Carmella DeCesare.

Seemingly from the moment he arrived in the "City of Brotherly Love," Owens flourished as Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb's primary offensive weapon. The Eagles waltzed through the NFC's competition and they advanced to Super Bowl XXXIX to compete for the championship versus the New England Patriots.

Despite a sprained ankle and fractured fibula that had yet to entirely heal, T.O. courageously played in the title game and caught 9 passes for 122 yards in the Eagles 24-21 loss to New England.

Rather than let onlookers relish his heroic performance, Owens curiously decided to initiate a conflict with McNabb and he blamed his Pro Bowl quarterback's conditioning for Philly's loss by stating, "I wasn't the guy who got tired in the Super Bowl."

Following more nonsensical slights against McNabb and Eagles management, Philadelphia suspended Owens without pay and the team deactivated him for the remainder of the 2005 season before they gave the hemorrhoid his outright release.

In March 2006, Cowboys Owner Jerry Jones gambled and signed Owens, who ranks second all-time in touchdowns behind Rice, to a three-year deal worth $25 million.

T.O. was a relatively model Cowboy at the outset of his tenure in “Big D.” Owens even homoerotically wept like a woman watching Beaches when teammate Tony Romo was criticized for vacationing with his buxom girlfriend, Jessica Simpson, the week before Dallas lost their first playoff game to the New York Giants in 2008.

"That's my quarterback," Owens tearfully bawled in a pink defense of Romo.

If the past is any indicator, Owens will spawn a catty vendetta in due time with incumbent Bills quarterback and graduate of Stanford University Trent Edwards. One can imagine that T.O. will gripe, "I don't need no beautiful mind throwing me the ball here."

Owens is an exasperating figure and one can only hope that he squanders the opportunity that Buffalo afforded him because it will likely be the final chance he is provided by an NFL organization.

Similarly to the way the Chief of Malibu Police felt about the Dude, T.O., "I don't like your jerk-off face, I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear," Terrell.

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