NFL Free Agency: Saturday Night Dance in Denver and Belichick Fireships

The first Saturday of free agency started fast and furious.

Maybe it was because Venus was under the gaze of the sizzling sickle moon. Or maybe it was just desperation born of "win now free agent madness", a sickness that makes some teams lose their minds, much like a wolfman howling under a bright, full moon.

Or maybe Daniel Snyder just thinks his team is his toy and he can do what he wants with it.

Sure, everyone expects Washington Redskins owner, Daniel Snyder, to conjure up images of the worst robber barons of the 19th century by slashing low paid staff, executing minions, and pleading economic distress before going on a spending bender like drunken sailor, Billy Bad Ass Budduskey, in the film The Last Detail.

But did anyone expect suddenly-doomed Denver Bronco QB, Jay Cutler, to be sitting around sadly singing Warren Zevon on Saturday night?

I called up my friend LeRoy on the phone
I said, Buddy, I'm afraid to be alone
I got some weird ideas in my head
About things to do in Denver when you're dead

Sorry, Jay, but I did hear that houses are going cheap in Motown. Sadly, so are offensive lineman.

Vicious Sea Dogs and wicked Admirals of old loved Fire Ships, disposable ships of their own fleet doused in flammable material before sailing into an enemy's fleet to engulf them, to win ocean battles.

Sir Francis Drake, the ferocious, Spanish-gold-hungry English pirate, used the tactic very effectively against the Spanish Armada. Bankers recently used them against us.

My point is, doesn't it seem like Bill Belichick, the "Gridiron Pirate", is using the same vile tactics against the rest of the league?

His coaching tree is a burning one taking down franchises across the nation, and it looks like Coach Doogie in Denver has started a raging Mile High Mountain fire.

Sure, the Broncos got a pair of often injured, under-achieving running backs, Arrington and Buckholder or AnB ouch there goes our knees, and and an all-pro safety who is at the end of the line in Brian Dawkins. Nevertheless, the real fire is burning in Jay Cutler's brain.

Poor Cutler's mind must be reeling: Why does the new coach want me gone? What did I do? Hey, how about a couple of defensive linemen instead of cutting old Cutler? And please, by the Rocky Mountain ghost of gambling Doc Holliday, please don't send me to Detroit.

Everyone thought SpyGate was bad. Hell, Belichick is spreading flames throughout the nation.

Look at the ashes and salary cap wreckage left in Cleveland by Romeo Crennel.

The Towering Inferno that is the post Eric Magini Jets? And that nasty fire ship sailed west to salt the ashes of Romeo in Cleveland like Rome did to Carthage. And Cleveland thought Belichick forgot how they treated him?

Vengeance is a dish best served cold, by Mangini and Romeo, and their Doctor Evil controller in Beantown.

Perhaps Belichick just flashes the Queen of Diamonds at Mangini during games and he becomes the Manchurian Coach, enraptured by Belichick's black magic spell, and doomed to disaster and wasted coaching challengers and draft picks. 

Think Vern Gholston was an accident Gang Green? Well ye did not hear Belichick's ghoulish laughter echoing from the chip he implanted in Mangini's head. First Cleveland then New York laid low by Belichick agents.

And people say Genghis Khan held a grudge?

Nothing will rise in Cleveland except Shaun Rogers' injured feelings of disrespect over a simple missed hello.

No, the $15 million contract doesn't complete Rogers; he needs a hug and love. Just not from strippers, cause in Motown, the big man mauled them a bit.

Consider what another Belichickian left in Miami. Nick Saban giggling over drafting 180 pounds of Ted Ginn? Saban gutted the Fish for Belichick then fled to Sweet Home Alabama.

Is South Bend burning? Not yet, but give Charlie another year or two and Belichick's evil work there will be done. South Bend football will look like sacked Rome after the Visigoths left following a bad barbarian bender.

Don't forget Buffalo and Dallas, where Belichick sent his special Drew Bledsoe fire ship. Buffalo's been pretty quiet since then, eh? Next stop Toronto.

And Dallas? Just another Texas carnival sideshow.

Belichick doesn't have to fire-ship DC. DC is doomed under Daniel Snyder.

Sure, Albert Haynesworth proved in America that the climb to the top still starts by pressing your sharpened cleats into someone's prone face, but $115 million for a man who never played a full year?

Add another $100 million or so for a DB that washed out of Oakland and Atlanta because he loved 15-yard cushions even on 3rd-and-5 and an average guard the Redskins cut two years ago, and it's the same old sad Danny Snyder show.

Less, of course, a few groundskeepers, staff, and secretaries who were slashed to save money in the Hindenburg economy.

What about Da Bears? A backup Carolina Panther tackle and a snippy Lovie Smith saying the best free agent signing of the year will be Rod Marinelli?

Hey Lovie, let me know how many tackles, turnovers, and sacks old Rod racks up at the end of the year? OK...Lovie, let me know how that works out for you when you're coaching the Colts' linebackers next year.

Everyone in Minnesota must be cheering now that the Sage Texas Turnover Machine and Traveling Show rolls into the dome. The excitement will never end; how about a few billion for a new dome home? Hey, you got Sage now. What more do you want?

The Philadelphia Eagles hit an odd jackpot. They need to rebuild, and it's always impossible to part amicably with old stars ready to set. So Brian Dawkins did them a favor by going Rocky Mountain High. Now if they could just deal Donovan?

Donovan in Detroit? That has a ring to it. Sounds Elmore Leonardish almost.

And the Baltimore Ravens had to be secretly hoping that Ray Lewis would ramble out of town and save them his daily drama and a ton of change. Last year, he demanded the coach be canned, this year he demands a massive contract, and now, after no one bit on his services, he has to realize it's the decline of the Ray Empire.

When the Circus Master in Dallas, who jumped on Keith Brookings instead, passes and Mad Al of Oakland, the one with the $100 million secondary and $100 offensive line, says nay, it's time for the Raven to start singing his swan song.

Especially when the old Coach in Gotham, Rex Ryan, grabs the other Raven linebacker. Rex Ryan exhaled with salary cap relief when one aging diva went back to Mississippi. He didn't want to take the Ray show to Broadway for a farewell tour.

As not to be entirely negative, the New York Giants quietly improved their defense with solid, veteran players, and the New England Patriots added a quality role player in RB Fred Taylor. They also freed up salary cap space by trading Matt Cassel, and Bill B sent more minions out.

And the Chiefs got their QB and a defensive leader in Mike Vrabel. But were they sent by Belichick to wreak havoc in the heartland?

Is Cassel a Trojan horse in Kansas City?

And Tom Brady signed Giselle, the best tight end on the market. The Dark Side has its rewards.

The free agent action isn't over. Somewhere, Mike Vick patiently sits pulling wings from flies, tying cats tails together, and tipping turtles on their backs waiting for the phone to ring ring ring.

And if you're an NFL owner and a Belichick assistant comes knocking, be afraid, be very afraid...they answer to only one master. Their dark lord, bent on dominating the league any way possible.

Anyone in Pittsburgh need a Patriot?