10 Things You Should Never Say at an MMA Event

From black-tie affairs to standing in line at the grocery store, every situation, event and venue has its own set of etiquette, and MMA events are no exception.

The spectacle of two fine athletes competing against one another in primeval combat may require the lion's share of your attention, but even here you must be on your best behavior.

While I can't claim to have written the first complete etiquette guide for mixed martial arts events, I have taken the time to construct a basic overview of the verbal restrictions associated with attending such an affair, and that in itself is a helpful start.

Yes, it took a lot of time and effort, but there is no need to thank me. Just read on, and I will be satisfied that I have helped to make MMA venues, and in turn the world, a better, more civilized place.

"That Fighter's Shirt Is so Cool!"

Home to the gaudiest wardrobe off Broadway, the world of mixed martial arts is teeming with glittering skulls, golden wings and fonts that make comic sans look cool. 

If you see something you like, that's fine—a person's fashion is his own business. But if you don't want your companions to think less of you, you'll have to contain your excitement over fighter entrance shirts. Besides, you can always go online and order something similar from the comfort—and secrecy—of your own home.

And don't think this is gender specific. If I see a woman wearing, say, a clown costume that is really working for her, I'll probably hold my tongue. So ladies, same goes for the fighter gear.

There are, of course, exceptions to the rule, and not all shirts associated with MMA entrances are quite so terrible. So if you own one, don't be offended—yours is an exception.

"Ring-Girls Are so Pointless!"

First off, how on Earth are Ring/Octagon-girls pointless? How would anyone know what round a fight was heading into if there wasn't an attractive woman dressed in underwear holding up a big sign (no one is looking at the sign) with the number on it?

Secondly, a few UFC employees—Arianny Celeste and Brittany Palmer for instance—have parlayed their MMA gigs into celebrity and fortune. Eliminating that position means taking away an avenue to success for beautiful people, and we can all agree that the beautiful are unfairly discriminated against as it is. Take away their jobs and all they have left is legions of people clamoring to serve them in any capacity conceivable.

Thirdly, card girls are something of a tradition in combat sports. And since bikinis and tradition so rarely go together, can we really afford to lose this one? 

"I Actually Know That Fighter."

You've had a couple drinks while taking in some fights and the guy next to you leans over and asks you "Who is this Donald Cerrone guy?" Sure, you could give him a little information about the Cowboy, but anyone could do that, and there is a reason he is asking YOU before anyone else in the stadium, right? 

The reason is because you just radiate an aura of knowledge and importance he could not fail to sense. That's why he asked you, not anyone else.

It's time to show this guy that he was right for coming to you and only you. It's time you let him in on a little secret. Fact is, you know Donald Cerrone. He and you are buds. How else would you know he has a sweet ground-game?

So you tell him. He turns away and thinks...you're full of it.

If you actually know a fighter, that's fine. You are excused from this type of behavior. But if your plumber's cousin married the women who works as a receptionist for Cerrone's barber's uncle, then you don't necessarily have to mention how tight you are.

"Yeah, I Train MMA"

I was really surprised to learn that roughly 25 percent of MMA fans are decorated pupils of either Greg Jackson, Eddie Bravo or a member of the Gracie clan. At UFC fan expos, it's actually closer to 50 percent, and events don't seem all that different.

It is really strange how many aspiring or amateur mixed martial artists there are walking around out there. Not that picking random fights was ever the smartest thing in the world, but now-a-days you have to be pretty darn careful when you antagonize a stranger. Chances are they are a lot tougher than you and have a few black belts at home to vouch for that.

If you do train in any discipline of MMA, there is no reason to be bashful. Some people, especially those at an MMA event, will be very interested in what you have to say. But just remember, there is a fine line between training to be a mixed martial artist and having a couple grade school wrestling ribbons in the back of your closet. 

"When Does Bob Sapp Fight?"

There are three reasons you should not ask this question at any MMA event.

First, it implies that you want to see Bob Sapp fight, and if you want to see Bob Sapp fight, the people surrounding you probably won't like you. 

Second, the answer is invariably both "an hour ago" and "in one hour." He may not be fighting at the venue you are at, but chances are he is probably shaking out his wrist, preparing to tap somewhere out there.

The only acceptable reason to ask this question is to help you know when it's time to pack up and go. That way you can beat the traffic formed by those who stayed to watch. But be wary, if you stop for a washroom break on the way out, the crowd that stayed behind will still beat you out of the stadium.

"He Clearly Won, Let's Get Food Before the Next Fight Starts."

It can happen to anyone. You watch a fight, note that it was extremely one-sided and believe that the decision is academic and not worth sticking around for. You figure it's the perfect opportunity to hit the concession stands before the lines grow too large; you head out to replenish your waning supply of milk duds. Upon your return you discover that the fighter you assumed victorious has dropped a split-decision to the corpse he left in his wake.

There are no certainties that any decision made at an MMA event will actually factor in the process of the fight—at least it seems that way from one time to another—so don't jump the gun.

Sticking around for the official decision is never a bad idea at an MMA event.

"I Want to See Someone's Head Get Knocked Off! WOOOOO"

Mixed martial arts is an inherently violent sport, and every one of its participants is putting themselves in serious danger. Why they do it varies from fighter to fighter, but most claim that they love entertaining the fans.

Wishing bodily harm upon a fighter—even one you dislike—makes you come across as a dispassionate idiot, and who wants to be one of those?

It's okay to be entertained by unbridled aggression and violent finishes at MMA events, but when you want to see someone who is taking huge personal risks for your viewing pleasure get hurt...well, hope of injury is not something you should ever express, verbally or otherwise.

"Why Doesn't That One Guy Just...?"

Have you ever watched an MMA fight with someone unfamiliar with the sport, who for the life of them cannot figure out why the one fighter doesn't simply put the other one in a headlock and end the fight? 

Sure, it's a novel idea, but if it were that easy, more fighters would probably go for it.

I'm not saying you can't criticize a fighter's performance, and I'm certainly not saying you have to train to understand what's happening in the cage. But some people's solutions to winning a fight are so wonderfully simplistic you would be fully convinced that they are capable of doing away with a land-shark with a good-old headlock.

Just don't say stuff like, "When GSP shoots, Koscheck should just jump over him," or "Why didn't Sonnen just catch Silva's knee when he was on the ground and throw him over the fence?"

If a question like that pops into your head, ignore it. For the sake of humanity, just ignore it.

"That Michael Buffer Sure Is Something Else."

Poor Bruce spent so many years in the shadow of older brother Michael that he most certainly deserves his due. Even if you know it's Bruce that does UFC, don't let yourself slip up, or feelings will be hurt.

Furthermore, be careful not to synchronize your "Let's get ready to rumble" with Buffer's "It's Time!" It's like when you try to start singing along with a song you don't know the words to. You just look foolish, and once again, feelings will be hurt.

Instead, talk loudly about how much you enjoy the Buffer-180. Mention to your companions that Bruce is the only Buffer worth mentioning. Call out "BRUUUUUCE!"

Follow these instructions and you may notice a little twinkle in the eye of the UFC's master of ceremonies.

Ignore them and you will see the Bruce captured in the accompanying photo.

"I'm Going to See If Any of the Bleacher Report Media Will Give Me an Autograph"

If you block out the din of an MMA event and listen carefully, you'll hear this phrase hundreds, nay thousands of times at any given show. 

Just remember that all of our guys are far too busy to mix with the common folk.