The Responses You Won't Hear at Media Days

Media days are upon us, which means the offseason is nearing an end and college football’s most powerful leaders will take center stage. Plenty of ridiculous questions will be asked at these yearly rituals over the next few weeks, although meaningful answers might be hard to come by.

Coaches will take this all in stride, provide very little substance (outside of a few charismatic gems) and they’ll return to campus to make their final preparations before camp begins.

There will be some sound bites from notable figures, but other than that, it will be formulaic and familiar. “One step at a time,” “getting stronger,” “feel like we’ve improved” and “he’s doing well in his recovery” will be featured on repeat, and true answers will remain muted for the time being.

What if we were given more than these exhausted clichés, however, and were treated to unfiltered, truth serum-aided commentary?

What if…

What is the status of your suspended players? How much time do you expect these stars to miss?

“We’ve evaluated the statuses of various individuals, and they’re doing what they need to do to earn their way back into the lineup. Each situation presents its own set of complex circumstances, and it’s not as simple as—I’m sorry, I can’t even say this with a straight face. Our first few games are insanely difficult, and you and I know damn well that they’ll be playing. Hell, they may miss a quarter, but probably not.”

“We ran them until they puked, though. And that’s no fun, I’d imagine.”

Any updates on the quarterback race? When do you think you’ll name a starter, and do you know who that will be?

“How does a year from now sound? [awkward laughter] “But seriously, I’m putting this off as long as possible. All three were average to awful in the spring, and there’s a high probability that I’ll pull whoever I name before the fourth quarter of Game 1. I’ll probably just draw straws the week before the season and see how it goes.”

“A quarterback race is just a horrible thing to have, and in all likelihood, this will probably get me fired in eight to 16 months.”

How do you believe a playoff in college football will impact your team and college football in general?

“We haven’t finished in the top four in any sort of ranking in probably 25 years, so I don’t think we’ll be crashing any BCS or whatever the hell the new thing is called anytime soon. We’ll take our trip to the Beef ‘O’ Whatever Bowl, get our swag and I think we’ll be just fine with that. Business as usual, and hopefully, we don’t go broke traveling to the game.”

“As for the national impact, well, there are going to be some really nice mansions built as the result of all of this.”

Any thoughts on realignment? Do you believe it’s over?

“It’s obviously become a major story, and to be quite honest, I’m still unsure of who’s playing where. Also, can you believe the Big East will have a team in San Diego? Wait, that’s still happening, right? Yes? See, I really don’t know what’s going on.”

“Is it over? Well, no. No it’s not. I heard a rumor that we’re hooking on to the Big 12. Or was it the SEC? I dunno; I just hope I have a job wherever we go.” 

You have some depth concerns on defense, particularly on the defensive line. Does this concern you at all now that we’ve reached the middle of July?

“Hell yes, it concerns me. Have you seen who we have playing on the inside? Seriously, I squat more than a few of the guys in the rotation, and the others just can’t keep their damn weight down.”

“We’ve had to convert a guard and a tight end, both of which should see meaningful minutes this season. If I were playing against us—and I really wish I was—I’d run the ball on every play, right up the gut. Oh, God. We’re screwed.”

What are your thoughts regarding your team’s 2012 schedule?

“Well, it’s hard, really hard, and to be quite honest, I’ll be shocked if we win five games. I’d do backflips if we win six, but that won’t happen. Again, I’ll be on the hot seat come October and likely coaching special teams somewhere else come February.”

“I’ll tell ya, we need to start scheduling out-of-conference games like some of these other conferences. Cough, cough, the SEC, cough, cough. No, but seriously, I'm calling my AD when I get back to the Four Seasons."