Important NFL Draft Exercise: The 2012 College Mascot Mock Draft

Imagine this. Instead of watching NFL teams select the best football players in the country, they will instead be drafting mascots.

It would be serious, very serious, and the outcomes would likely reshape NFL franchises for years to come. It will also be televised, just like the real draft, only it will go back to Saturday because Thursday drafts are absurd.

This feasible scenario is one that I believe will happen, and I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands to create the first-ever (as far as I know, because to be honest who would be weird enough to create something like this) Mascot Mock Draft!

Tired of reading mock drafts that will be destroyed within the first seven picks? Interested in incorporating a more college-like feel into your NFL Draft experience? Do you have a fascination with mascots or animals? Bored at work?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, and even if you said no, then the Mascot Mock Draft is right up your alley.

And in the end, a mock draft full of live animals, blobs, and fuzzy friends carries about as much importance as they 6,546 mock drafts you've read over the past three months. It's the same exact draft order for the 2012 draft...only mascots.

Simple and important. 

1. Indianapolis - Big Red (Western Kentucky): If there is such a thing as a no-brainer first pick, this is it. The Colts need some excitement, and nothing says excitement like a large red blob (and he is actually a blob) with his mouth always open.

2. Washington - Paydirt Pete (UTEP): Although he has character issues due to the creepiness of his mustache, Paydirt Pete also comes with a very valuable mining prop. The ceiling is just too high on this one, although this will surprise some.

3. Minnesota - Ralphie (Colorado): Minnesota needs to beef up quickly, and there’s no better way to do that than by adding a 1,000-pound animal hitting high speeds. Another perk: his handlers are included when you draft him.

4. Cleveland - Puddles (Oregon): The Browns are in need of a PR boost, and Puddles is a familiar face that will quickly garner plenty of attention. He also once beat up the Houston Cougar during a game. Scouts really like his edge. Disclaimer: Nike not included.

5. Tampa Bay - Traveler and Tommy Trojan (USC): Some thought Traveler and Tommy could make sense for Washington at two, and Tampa gets an absolute steal here. The pirate/Trojan warrior combo could change the mascot game for good.

6. St. Louis - Otto the Orange (Syracuse): There have been some questions about his weight, but St. Louis clearly feels it’s something he can keep under control. He is still able to do front flips, which is incredible given his build.

7. Jacksonville - Zippy (Akron): A small school hears their name called, and Zippy has sort of flown under the radar up until this point. It’s amazing that a kangaroo could possibly be low profile, but the Jags will pounce at this opportunity. Who needs Tebow when you've got Zippy?

8. Miami - Mountaineer (West Virginia): Another pick with top five potential, although he’s certainly a bit rough around the edges. Some scouts love him, others are really turned off by the sloppiness of the beard. Has passed all moonshine tests, which is key.

9. Carolina - Stanford Tree (Stanford): This will likely not sit well with many, but this is a prospect that is soaring up draft boards. In the end, it’s a smiling tree wearing a hat, and these prospects don’t grow on...wait for it...trees.

10. Buffalo - Sparty (Michigan State): A physical specimen, a workout warrior, and a sideline general. Some wonder if Sparty can back up his impressive physique with results, but I’m hearing the Bills are mesmerized by his washboard abs.

11. Kansas City - Goldy (Minnesota): Gophers don’t have the flash like some of the other mascots, but this isn’t your average gopher. Goldy turned A LOT of heads when he took down Bucky Badger with this impressive wrestling move. Tough, durable and a safe pick.

12. Seattle - Bevo (Texas): The second large animal of the draft heads west. Some scouts have called him “lazy,” while others just question his work ethic altogether. Still, he’s a mid-first round talent and a respected animal not to be reckoned with.

13. Arizona - Mike The Tiger (LSU): There’s quite a bit to like about a live tiger, and Arizona is need of a little life. Better yet, Arizona gets the live creature AND the mascot by selecting him. The full package indeed, and look out for teams trying to trade up and grab him.

14. Dallas - Cardinal Bird (Louisville): Some have Louisville’s sideline leader labeled as a late first-round pick, but not me. In the end, this is a bird with teeth and I believe a team will jump at the opportunity to own those choppers. Once-in-a-lifetime talent for sure.

15. Philadelphia - Sebastian (Miami): Despite an incident in 1989 that labeled Sebastian as a “bad apple,” he has been a focal member of college football for quite a while. Also, you have to like the bird connection here with the Eagles on the clock.

16. New York (AFC) - Keggy the Keg (Dartmouth): The only Ivy League mascot to make the first round, Keggy certainly has been knocked for having “character issues.” Still, he is a keg and the Jets are looking to drastically change the culture of their team.

17. Cincinnati - UGA (Georgia): The health of these little guys is the only thing holding them back from being a top ten, perhaps even a top five pick. They also requires ice, a doghouse and other maintenance. Still, this is a risk worth making.

18. San Diego - Buzz (Georgia Tech): A yellow jacket and one of the more familiar mascots in the NCAA. There’s nothing Buzz does tremendously well, but scouts think he’ll bring a lot on the marketing side. He also has antennas, a solid perk.

19. Chicago - Super Frog (TCU): Not the pick I would make in their spot, but I’m hearing that the Bears are mesmerized by the physical attributes. Scouts are not crazy about the fact that small children cry around him.

20. Tennessee - Testudo (Maryland): This would be a solid pick for the Titans, and Testudo is one of the more underrated mascots out there. Scouts love his attitude and the fact that he hasn’t transferred from Maryland yet says a lot about his character.

21. Cincinnati - Big Al (Alabama): Their second pick of the first round will be a safe one, especially after taking UGA at 17 overall. Big Al makes sense. A friendly elephant with a flimsy trunk that has a winning track record. What’s not to like?

22. Cleveland - Brutus (Ohio State): Not much home cooking in the first round, but the Browns will keep this state symbol close to home. Although scouts don’t think he has all the tools (he is a nut after all), he does a lot of things well and the connection is strong.

23. Detroit - Boomer and Sooner (Oklahoma): Another two-for-the-price-of-one situation and Detroit could be getting one of the steals of the draft. Space is a concern for this pick, as is maintenance, but this is a city that knows plenty about proper transportation.

24. Pittsburgh - Smokey (Tennessee): Another selection whose stock has absolutely tumbled during the offseason. Smokey suffered a torn ACL back in September and just had surgery in January. Still, plenty of potential, but he’s recovering.

25. Denver - Bullet (Oklahoma State): The horse/pony/bronco connection stays true here, and the Broncos select a four-legged friend and his rider that should be able to come right in and make an immediate impact. Great fit.

26. Houston - Herbie Husker (Nebraska): Although he’s not an official Texan, scouts like some of the traits that Herbie has exhibited over the years and think fans will embrace his hard-working, but always-smiling ways. Solid late 1st value.

27. New England - Marco the Buffalo (Marshall): A bit of a surprise, but New England has shown in the past that they’re not afraid to take chances. They’ve gotten the image of being speedy (even their tight ends now) and Marco should change that overnight with some beef. Buffaloes, the hot trend of 2012.

28. Green Bay - Joe Vandal (Idaho): A match made in heaven. Joe Vandal is one tough SOB, but he also represents the everyday man. The Green Bay fans will love him, and it won’t be long before Joe Vandal beards are on sale in Wisconsin.

29. Baltimore - Monte (Montana): In general, the Ravens have prided themselves on flying under the radar and making statements with talent. Well, this is about to change with a bear riding a motorcycle. Just too good to pass up.

30. San Francisco - Tusk (Arkansas): If he falls this far, I simply don’t see how they pass him up. There’s some controversy circling the school which explains the fall, but Tusk is a top 15 talent. Plus, Jim Harbaugh once wrestled a boar and he's respected them ever since.

31. New England - The Leprechaun (Notre Dame): After surprising many with their first pick, New England makes a selection that will certainly draw praise from the heavy Boston fanbase. The rivalry between he and Keggy the Keg (Jets first-round pick) will be absolutely riveting.

32. New York (NFC) - Vili the Warrior (Hawaii): The rich get richer, and the New York Giants swoop up one of the better picks of the draft. The Warrior is intimidating, unique and will scare a lot of folks away. Not the Giants, though. They close out round one with a steal.