California Thanks Chicago For the Charity...Sort Of

Joe WillettSenior Writer IFebruary 18, 2008

Ron Rivera, Kobe Bryant, Pau Gasol—California has had a lot of fun off of Chicago's misfires and near-misses.

But the state of California doesn't have it's head so far up its ass that they can't thank Chicago for all the good they've done for them.

Even though it was kind of accidental, and completely based off of stupidity.

I would assume that the conversation would go something like this.

California: Hey buddy, how's it going?

Chicago: To be honest, it's a little cold, and I've been shoveling a lot.  I truly think Mother Nature is bi-polar.

Cali: Really?  Because it's beautiful out here, you should come visit sometime.

Chi: Why did you call?

Cali: Just wondering if you've heard all the good fortune we've had lately.

Chi: You mean like the writers strike being over so that you can make even more money, or the award season being a success like always?

Cali: Well that's all been great, but I'm talking about sports-wise.

Chi: You mean like having Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol ready to dominate the NBA once again?

Cali: Yea, didn't you have interest in those guys?

Chi: Yea, we were actually pretty close to getting both of them, we decided it would be better to fire the coach that got us into the playoffs the last three years and go 10 games below .500 at the All-Star Break.  It just seemed more exciting than, you know, winning.

Cali: Oh yea, winning sucks.  I'm so pissed that we had to beat you guys in the Rose Bowl.  We're still picking pieces of Juice's ass off of our cleats.

Chi: Shut the hell up.

Cali: Did you know that we've also got this professional football team that went to the AFC Championship game?  Didn't one of our coaches used to coach for you guys?

Chi: Yea, Ron Rivera, he was the defensive coordinator when we went to the Super Bowl.  I guess he figured he'd rather have a no-name job in your state than a high level job in my city.

Cali: Yea, I get that a lot.  He has really helped Merriman though, and I'm pretty sure he's helped us get those extra turnovers.  How have you guys been doing since the switch?

Chi: Still looking for a way to clone 23 more Devin Hesters to fill out the starting line-up.  We almost got one, but it exploded on contact.

Cali: Wow, that is very exciting.  Do you mind if I make that into a movie?  I think Denzel Washington could star, and Samuel L. Jackson will have to be involved in some way.  Forrest Whitaker as Lovie Smith.  Keanu Reaves can be Rex Grossman.  He's used to having bone-head roles.  This movie is going to be the next blockbuster.

Chi: Do I get anything for inspiring it?

Cali: Hell no.  Who do you think I am, Oregon?  Ha.

Chi: Jackass.

Cali: So have you been having any success lately?

Chi: Well, my hockey team is 4-0-1 in it's last five games.

Cali: What's hockey?

Chi: My last chance.

Cali: Well, I'm gonna go sunbathe, call me later on my cell.  And have fun with that shoveling.

Chi: Kiss my ass. 

Later that night, Chicago calls close friend and once great but current loser, Miami.

Miami: ...and he just took your problems and is making it into a movie?

Chi: Yea, apparently Denzel, Forrest Whitaker, Samuel L. Jackson, and Keanu Reaves are going to be involved.

Miami: Wow, that actually sounds like a good movie.

Chi: I know.

Miami: So are you going to do anything to get back at him?

Chi: I already have.

Miami: What did you do?

Chi: The San Diego Padres signed Mark Prior.

Miami: Wow, you don't play when you're mad.

Chi: It'll teach him to mess with me.  I'm thinking of sending Grossman too.

Check out my bleacherreport profile.  I'm Joe W.


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