The Complete Idiot's Guide to Lyoto Machida

Lyoto Machida is boring.

We, as MMA fans, have heard it before. It's right up there with "Tito has a big head", "Rich Franklin looks like Jim Carrey," and "Dan Miragliotta had money on Kimbo". If you've been to a UFC pay-per-view party where Lyoto was fighting, chances are good that he was compared to at least one orifice.

I can find only one problem with this sentiment. It isn't true.

Now, I'm not saying that he hasn't had boring fights, but it's all about the match-up. The low point undoubtedly came in 2006, when he tussled with Vernon White's dead body in the dead-as-Dillinger WFA.

Remember the line in 8MM when Jaoquin Phoenix warns Nic Cage, "You're gonna see some things...things you can't unsee?" Well, thats' this fight. It's agonizing. The only way any rational human being would find it entertaining is if they fast forwarded it and put on some Benny Hill music. You get the idea.

As soon as "The Dragon" made it to the UFC, though, he started dropping guys like the '97 Marlins. And whats crazy is that he drops everyone in the exact same way.

First, he backpedals and moves around with a relaxed stance and an admittedly dumb look on his face. Second, his opponent thinks to himself, "What I wouldn't give to erase that look off of his face. I think I'll lunge in with an ill-advised strike that I will immediately regret."

And third, to quote John Madden, BOOM! Theres' the short left cross. If Machida were in the movie "BASEketball" he would lead the league in Psyche Outs. He gets guys to overthink a style that is disarmingly simple. I find it fascinating.

He also has a habit of embarrassing guys to the degree that they're ousted from the UFC. He punched, kicked, flurried on, dropped, and basically did everything but actually have sex with Sam Hoger. "Bye Bye UFC," said Sammy.

He kicked the crap out of a worthless David Heath, in a boring yet dominant performance that I'm not even going to attempt to defend. He mounted and nearly choked out the always-game Kazuhiro Nakamura.

He exposed PRIDE transplant Sokoudjou with the short left cross, a slick ground reversal, and a textbook arm triangle choke. He made Tito Ortiz look like a has been (wait, Tito hasn't added anything to his game in at least eight years. Scratch that comment). Tito couldn't have hit Lyoto if he was allowed to use a loaded gun and a 2 x 4. By the way, Tito isn't in the UFC anymore, either.

I'm not saying you should like Lyoto. But to deny his right to fight on main cards, and eventually for the title, is essentially saying that you don't want to watch the best 205 pound fighter in the world work his magic.

Heres' why I like him: he's straight out of the '90s. He still comes out in a gi. He still trumpets the samurai lifestyle. His haircut is right out of the Pedro Rizzo Collection. He doesn't have any tattoos. He advertises for Lugz (Thats right, Lugz! What was Plan B, FUBU?). Your future light heavyweight champion, folks! I guess I'm just nostalgic.

Lyoto Machida is not boring.